Inheritance angst - shocked & angry

[hoopyloopy2]

MIL died like last year and we are just getting to grips now with the details of her estate. FIL died 13 years ago.

To cut a long story short, it’s emerged that she gave a very large amount of money (hundreds of thousands of pounds) to BIL a few years’ ago after he divorced and to enable him to start his own business. DH and I have never received money from his parents - in fact we didn’t even know she had that kind of money.

It’s become clear that DH’s other brother has also received financial support over the years but nowhere near the same level. DH is certainly not more financial comfortable than the other two now or in the past - so there’s no logic as to why he/we were overlooked. Their mum did play favourites over the years, but there was no rift or issue (that we know of) that would explain why she should have skewed things in such an extreme way.

DH has confronted BIL after working all this out by going through years of bank accounts. BIL says it was a loan that he was intending to pay back at some point, but he hasn’t. Issue now is whether this is taken into account when dividing up the estate, DH & I think it should be as amounts to 2/3rds of her savings. MIL did not suggest it should be in her will. But it is SUCH a significant amount of money. BIL is embarrassed & defensive at being found out, and is implying DH is being nosey by going through their mum’s bank accounts in detail - ridiculously.

To put things in context, DH and I are in a financially unstable situation now. He isn’t working after being made redundant several months ago, for the 3rd time in a few years, all very stressful & difficult. I work but we cannot survive on my salary alone. DH has become disillusioned with his line of work and would dearly love the kind of financial support that BIL was given to make choices -ie start his own business or make a career change. We would never have dreamt of asking his mum to bail us out while she was alive though. But it seems BIL had no such qualms - this has shocked us both.

So are we BU to ask for this large payment to BIL to be recognised in how the estate is now divvied up? Ie that he gets a lot less as a result. I know their mum was entitled to spend her money as she liked, so there is no legal case here. I am worried that asking will cause major upsets & divisions but at the same time, it feels profoundly unfair & will fester with DH (and me) if we just let this go.

I can see how these things arise. I want to be fair to my children and its hard to do that as their personal circumstances are unlikely to be equal as the years go by. Loans and gifts have to be thought through very carefully.

Hi Peartree17

Good question (a bit private on some of it but good question!)

For me giving my brother money - it was a combination of me being (too?) generous with my brother telling exaggerated sob stories. So I was soft. He didn’t have “form” as such, other than being a bit of a selfish teenager, but that was teenage years. As an adult it developed over time. Multiple gifts and loans from me, multiple gifts and loans from my Dad. At first I was happy to be generous, but it got out of control when I ended up clearing credit cards they had run up repeatedly on extravagances. So it was the accumulation, I realized over time that he was taking the you know what out of me. So I stopped completely, as he by no means needed it.

Also I caught him taking money from me and my father to pay the same credit card. Lying to us both, that’s way against my acceptable behaviour, so I put my foot down as not acceptable. That was later. So again, realisation over time.

The taking from my father really bothered me, so I was also trying to soften what my brother took from him by trying to pay for the things I knew he would take from my Dad, or replace them by taking over the loan. I knew my Dad would help if asked. Once the lying kicked in and my brother started being abusive, I also drew the line there.

For my own financial situation, well goodness me I have a story, but don’t we all. It’s not a happy one and anyone who would trade with me for the ability to slowly go broke by giving all my money away is out of their mind! I had money in the bank and a baby brother playing the baby brother generous sister card. So I was generous for as long as I felt there was decent behaviour. He worked so I wasn’t encouraging laziness, I just had much more of a sense of sharing than he does! It made me very sad to realise one day that I could be broke and living in the street and he would do nothing for me, yet I would have done anything for him (within reasonable not destructive to him limits of course). I stopped when I realized there were lies and the abusive, disrespectful behaviors towards me started. That was also a put my foot down moment. I don’t need or expect thanks, but regardless of any financial situation, he was incredibly cruel in very life being cruel to me (27 and cancer, ouch). I had friends read what he wrote out of the blue in emails and they cried as it was so hideous.

So that’s what happened!

OP here. So 9 months on we seem to be finally at the end of sorting this out. I often look back at old threads and wonder how the story ended, so I thought I would come back and share here.

To cut a long story short, BIL reneged on his his statement that it was a loan, as we half-expected and didn’t want to ‘pay it back’ when it came to dividing up the remaining estate. They came to a financial compromise in the end after lots of painful emails and it’s been complicated working out the tax implications. So much damage done to the sibling relationships I am not sure they can survive it, due to BIL’s dishonesty.

YABU. You inherit what is left when she dies. How she chose to spend her money while alive was her own business.

I like a pp am horrified about how some children seem to keep a mental tally of what is their parents money whilst they are still alive and deem things unfair, unjust etc.

OP I only read the first couple of pages but was cringing and how uncouth you sounded, the money or indeed your late MIL's will has absolutely nothing to do with you. I get that it wrankles but to start trying to adjust someones will by asking the benefactor to reconsider is just so wrong.

Similar thing happened in my family and the brother who had received the large (undocumented) loan, they forfeited this amount willingly when the estate was divided. It is just the right thing to do.

If there is no documentation to say it was a loan as opposed to a gift, or written agreement with BIL and mother, I'm not sure where you stand with this, and like others would advise you to seek legal advice. If the will stipulates all money to be divided equally on passing of MIL, you may not be able to recoup the lent money from the other siblings. But I'm not a lawyer; so may be taking rubbish.

Thanks for coming back to update, OP. It doesn't seem fair at all, I agree. At least it's over now.

OLD THREAD people, revived to show the end of the story. Thanks for letting us know, OP.

I guess you have to weigh up what's more important to you. Money or family?

And what about BIL doing the same, Wilbur!

I'm glad you've found a resolution and this can be ended, though it is very sad that it may have caused long term damage to family relationships.

However unlike many PP I don't think you /your DH are in the wrong here. You found the transfer of money, investigated it as you had to for tax etc, BIL volunteered it was a loan. You then tried to account for it in dividing the estate and he reneged.

All the people saying you are uncouth... Would they really turn a blind eye to their own brother basically deceiving them out of £100K plus? Or are maintain good manners and being a doormat to something approaching fraud prioritised over fairness and huge amounts of money?

Just like with an abusive relationship it is the BIL who has caused this by his dishonesty.

Good luck for the future, I hope your financial situation is improving

Oops, just realised it's an old thread.

Thank you for coming back to update, OP.

I think your h was morally right and your BIL behaved terribly badly, no matter what your MIL's will said.

Why do people get so arsey over money??

If BIL had received hundreds of thousaands of pounds from MIl, amounting to 2/3 of her estate, he should feel bloody ashamed to ask for half of the remaining funds. If your h hadn't found out about the money your MIL gave him, would he have said anything?

You really find out who people are when it comes to wills. I'm sorry to hear your h's relationship with his brother has been damaged. I hope you can get over this and put it behind you now, and move on.

I don't think you sound at all uncouth. Shame your BiL has limited moral fibre.

I agree, @Hermano!

If OP and her h had ignored the money and split the will 50/50, they would have resented BIL and the relationship would have been damaged anyway.

Thanks for the update OP and sorry you had to go through such a messy situation.

I'm kind of glad my mum had no money when she passed, none of this shit. My dad may have a little left of his pension but it won't be worth fighting over. Hate how this does this to families.

Poodle - I like a pp am horrified about how some children seem to keep a mental tally of what is their parents money whilst they are still alive and deem things unfair, unjust etc.

It wasn't just a few quid here and there. It was hundreds of thousands of pounds.

My MiL keeps a little black book of every loan she makes her 4 sons, and crosses them out when/if repaid. All the brothers know she does this, each knows that the others have borrowed in the past but not to what degree. They are very open about money to avoid exactly this.

When she passes her book will pass to the executor/solicitor so the final reckoning is equitable.

Glad you are coming to the end of what has been a painful process for you all. It is very sad that the brother reneged on his suggestion that that it was a loan.

I do agree that mil was free to do what she wanted with her money when alive, but emotions run high after death. Grief is wicked and all of us want to feel that our parents loved us equally.

The brother should have offered to give some back, or take less of the will before dividing up, as it would be the right thing to do and would certainly help with their sibling relationships going forward. I know that legally he didn’t have to but life is about more than simply legalities.

Im always surprised when people have the cheek to be angry at how someone chooses to spend their own money and the feelings of entitlement that seem to come with inheritance , do not question the will, if mil wanted to help one of her dc to rebuild his life that is her prerogative, spilt 3 ways, be happy you got anything at all, you have no reasoncto be angry, its not even your family.

woops, sorry didnt realise was old x

Really, Chicky? So if your brother got £200k while your mum was alive and after she died he still got half of her estate, which is much smaller than £200k, you'd be fine with that? You wouldn't think that was unfair, or think that it showed your mum loved your brother more than she loved you?

OK. That makes you different to about 98% of people.

And saying that 'it's not even your family' - come on. OP and her h are together. It's her h's family. And she's married into it; of course it's her family. The will and how it was done affected OP's life.

(Also, it would be easier to read your posts if you used full stops.)

Good that they've come to a compromise, sad that their relationship is affected. I'd have felt the same way as you did op.

OP I feel for your DH. So very sad. His brother sounds like a piece of work and this episode didn't sour the relationship but just highlighted what a taker his brother is.

I see it's an old thread - thanks for the update.

What the fuck is wrong with all the posters who think it is worse to be "uncouth" than completely unethical?