all invited for a sleepover but one

[elderflowerandrose]

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

I think two on a sleepover is quite enough. From what you've said it's just a day out and not a birthday party or anything like that. Don't dwell on this or even bring it up in conversation. Just enjoy the day out.

see, I don't think this is a big deal at all, or extremely hurtful.

Just because 3 girls are friends doe snot mean they have to do everything as a three.

You can't be invited to everything, and 3 can be an awkward number for a sleepover. I never have more than one of DS friends over at a time (also, would not fit 2 extra in his bedroom)

There have been times when some of DS friends have a sleepover or go home together or something, and other times DS has 1 friend coming back.

Why is it hurtful or complicated?

It sounds like you (and possibly the other mum) are overly invested in their DDs friendships. I really don't see the issue. My DSs have never been upset in a situation like this, you know, it's just life and not everyone can be (or should expect to be) included in everything. That is just an exhausting way to live!

It's fine to have just one for a sleepover but ffs, there's three in this friendship group. I hate the way a mother can cause divisions like this by excluding one child. This mother should have had NOBODY for the sleepover or both of them. Kids fall out enough as it without all this nonsense

Kids fall out if you YOU make them think there is something in this that there isn't. There may be three in this friendship group, but no doubt there are other overlapping friendship groups. If my child wants one friend overnight, I don't have to invite another child as well so that childs mother doesn't get in a snit when she should know better.
Some adults here really need to grow up. maybe take a lesson from the children!

tawny, yes, agree

Yanbu, it might sound petty but i know how these kind of things can cause upset.

Yes, can cause upset. If you allow it.

But they don't have to cause upset, if handled well by the parent.

There did not need to be any drama or upset in this situation at all.

Seems nasty to leave out your daughter!! Very unkind
I would re make arrangements with parents who are a little more kind & fair,..

Peanutbuttercups2 I think you are looking at this purely from a boy's point of view, girls (but not all) at this age have complicated friendships, it feels like a balancing act much of the time.

Thedowager It can cause upset if you allow it. I don't get to control my child's feelings dowager. I am not upset, she is upset. I can't tell her that her feelings are worthless and not valid can I? What I have done is reassure her that she has plenty of friends, and she is a kind and lovely girl. She bounced back quickly to her credit and has been fine ever since.

Kim1010 You are absolutely right. I don't think it was especially kind or fair, and I would never do it to another child. However not everyone is the same as me (and you) and not everyone cares for others feelings. It has been a real learning curve this year.

Janey Thanks Janey that is exactly how it is! Most mothers of girls of this age quickly learn they can be fickle, and try to build resilience (with sometimes limited results!)

update

So we had a good day, it didn't rain all day and girls had a whale of a time. I took everyone's advice and didn't mention a word, and it was fine.

Quite incredibly the mother arranged a sleepover again for tonight, apparently arranged on the way to the park. She mumbled something about my dd coming, but of course she can't because we didn't have a bag or anything with us, but to be honest I am past it!! I just wanted to get my dd home and forget all about the bloody sleepovers!

The good news is even dd no longer cares! The best thing was that the other two girls were pleading with this mother for dd to come and then to me for her to come, so I know the problem is not with them. And really that is all that counts.

To my mind, I am completely over this situation now.

I don't want to be involved with it.

I have been kind to everyone, dd was great and seems to see this for what for it is. Thank you for everyone's input, I appreciate it so much.

Sometimes it's just not possible or convenient to have more than one at a sleepover, it's hard for your daughter, I understand that. I sometimes feel it's the mums who are more upset than the kids. They will all be together tomorrow too. Having said that if it starts happening regularly I would possibly mention it.

they said they wished dd could have been with them last night.

This speaks volumes to me. That it was likely the host mother who decided it would be just the two of them. And her reaction of looking startled and slightly embarrassed kind of demonstrates that.

Us women usually have great intuition and I think your gut feeling about this woman is probably right. Does sound like she wants to cement a closer friendship for her daughter and a closer friendship with the other mom (because of the standing of the other mother as you suspect). Frankly
arranging a sleepover for 2 out of 3 best friends, the night before they all go out for the day is a bit of a shitty thing to do. You’d know full well one would be left out and it could cause upset, so why do it. And if you had legitimate reasons for it why not mention it from the outset to negate any upset that may be caused? The fact host mother never even mentioned it to you in conversation, is a telling sign to me.

The good news is even dd no longer cares! The best thing was that the other two girls were pleading with this mother for dd to come and then to me for her to come, so I know the problem is not with them. And really that is all that counts.

At least your DD can see she wasn’t left out by her own friends, so she can be safe in the knowledge they weren’t the ones excluding her. And that’s the main thing your DD needs to know.

In a friendship of three it is very hard, it doesn't really work.

I was part of one and hated being left out. I remember us three friends were at an event having been taken there by the parents of one of them. When it was time to go home, the car was quite full but they could have fitted me in or came back for me but no, I was the one not allowed to get in and had to walk the 1.5 miles to their house. Oh, they did take my bag for me!

I think now is the time to tell dd that not every adult is nice and some like to be a bit silly ( better than calling them manipulative twats) I had a similar issue which involved 3 adults not kids, one was always inventing problems for me when there really wasn't one, it came to a head when I was sent an email meant for the other friend. Needless to say I removed the problem from my life, life too short to be dealing with 50 year old women who think they are still in the playground and that everyone is as needy as her.

Disagree. Can't the 2 girls have a sleepover? Why don't you invite a friend for your dd to have a sleepover with.

What did non sleepover mother have to say?

Hi
This is an opportunity for you to explain to your child that things are not always as they seem and not to take not being asked to the sleepover as a slight. This is something that will hurt no matter what the reason for her not being asked but the explanation might be that it is simply thoughtlessness and convenience rather than being seen as a sleepover in the fun sense. It is a chance to use this to help your child to see that people are not always thoughtful nor are all situations meant to hurt, even if they do. If you make a big deal of this, it will spoil the day out to which she has been invited, and it will make you and her look like spoilers. These things are best left until a time in the future when an opportunity will arise I am sure for you to bring it up with the other person when you have distance between the feelings you have now and the advantage of seeing what happens on the day out. My feeling is that you should make light of it with your child and stay on the positive rather than the negative, this will help her throughout her life, this won't be the first or the last time that people will be thoughtless and hurtful. It's how we take it that matters, and there might be a simple as one of the other people has said of convenience and not a fun sleepover in that sense.
I hope the day out goes well, I am sure it will, if you start with a positive attitude. Let's face it why would they leave someone out of a fun sleepover (if that is what it is) and then want to spend the day with them. If it turns out that it is malicious then you know what to do in future. Don't jump to nurture hurt. Have a good night sleep and a wonderful day out.

Maybe it’s about the number of kids... I wouldn’t want more than one kid sleeping over at my house.. why not tell your DD not to worry and have them over for another Sleep over soon so she feels included. Good luck!

I'm surprised that the other mother agreed again to a sleepover tbh-she doesn't have to go along with it, does she?

I'm sure if your daughter had really wanted to go you could have dropped stuff off for her.

Is there another teacher training day tomorrow? if not then weird to have a sleepover on a school night.

Also after a sleepover most parents want their child back home so they can have a good nights sleep especially if you've been out all day at a theme park.

Glad you've had a good day and well done for taking the high road and not getting snippy at the host mum. So pleased the girls are all fine with each other - like you say that's the main thing.

OP, what you describe reminds me of a childhood incident. Basically me and around 2 other friends from school used to hang out with another friend so there were like 4 of us in the group. Anyway, one mate's mum went a bit funny on the group[i never understood why as we were around 11 and had no bad in us]. She would only allow 1 of the group up to the house[despite the fact that i had visited several times before and had been invited to birthday parties etc.] and forbid myself and the other friend from coming up[the other excluded friend was angelic and a goody goody so that makes it more puzzling.]

Anyway, I recall us hanging out and the friend telling us only x friend was allowed into the house and myself and the other friend were not allowed in.... People are odd. Having said that, my own mother was the same, she would take sometimes ridiculous notions over my friends when I was young and would try to keep me away from them-sometimes for no logical reason. As I said people can be very strange.

Perhaps invite both children for a sleepover next week. Gives you the opportunity to have a bit of a dig at thoughtless mother saying something like, "it's just that she felt a bit left out last week as they're a bit of a threesome"?

I'd just ask? I mean why not? What have you really got to lose. What are they going to say that's worse than you're already thinking?

''I don't love the school, because if any more girls leave we are in real trouble.''

I think you are overthinking it, you cannot wrap your dd in cotton wool forever. Yes she may say she hates boys now but she is getting older now, she is 9? So if more girls leave then she will just have to fit in with the boys, kids are very sociable creatures and be careful of over sympathizing with dd as kids can be very dramatic and love self pity. She will make friends and she will make her own way, she seems ok. I had plenty of friendship dramas at that age and look back now and laugh[not been invited to birthday parties etc.] Seriously kids forget this sort of stuff and unlike adults do not have the resentment gene, in the grand scheme of things I say do not address this situation.Your daughter is young and has many years ahead, many friends will come and go and there will be plenty of dramas etc. Just relax and don't become too bogged down by it all.