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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:06

I am trying to avoid an arms race for sleepover dates leaving other dc out. I am trying to be the bigger person and see it just as a sleepover, in meantime dd is crying because she feels that they are being really mean.

Trying very hard not to send an email to host mother now.

OP posts:
CadyHeron · 29/04/2018 13:06

I'd organise another sleepover and not invite the child whose mother hosted this sleepover. Two can play at that game.

Sad So you'd make another child feel shitty just to play games with the mum? Don't take this advice, OP, unless you're 5 years old yourself and still in the playground.
Hurtful, yes, but I think in this scenario I wouldn't say anything,and do something nice with my dd instead. Saying something like sometimes we can't be invited to everything and concentrating on our nice day out/movie night whatever and that there'll be other parties.

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 13:07

elder its sad, I've been in your shoes a few times when my DDs were younger - you feel sick seeing their little faces. What a nasty thing to do.

So I used to say something like "ok well that might seem a bit unkind but maybe they didn't have room, or maybe the mother said only one person can come and made her choose" - stuff like that, so you are acknowledging its unfair and not minimising her feelings. An as Myother says above, you can say to DD well maybe you want to have a sleepover with just one girl one day, who knows.

I think its a shit idea and a shitty thing to do I bet the other two will be exhausted all day if my kids' sleepovers are anything to go by Sad - just try to make the most of it, obviously you'll be wary of that woman next time, if there is a next time.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:09

arrgh

I know I should be doing this, you are so right, of course this is the moment to teach her the right way to deal with all this crap. But it is given me that dread feeling, and has def changed how I feel about them/group. Just want to cancel and see some nicer friends instead!!!

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Flicketyflack · 29/04/2018 13:11

I would take it on the chin, store it in my mind and move on with your daughter. At secondary school this sort if behaviour is less common as Mum's are less able to manipulate/influence friendships (if this is what is happening).
Personally I try to distance myself from parents & allow friendships to develop between my kids , it helps this sort of behaviour become less 'personal '. Unfortunately this is how some friends behave so it is a 'life lesson' . It is horrible for you and your daughter to experience Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 13:12

Do you think it is part of a pattern of behaviour op, or just a one off? Are they gradually excluding your dd with their behaviour, are they starting to do more things together and excluding your dd. If your dd wants to meet up with just her best friend, she has every right to do so, like others have said.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:12

staples thanks staples, I thought I was too old for playground politics but alas it still has the power to kick you in the balls despite my supposing my advancing age and wisdom. You would think by now I would have this down to a t, but no, it still hurts.

I am wary of this mother now and I don't want to be, I want to liker her as much as I did yesterday.

DD and I will grit out teeth and style this one out gracefully hopefully (unless dd decides to be more forthcoming), and from now on we are not spending so much time with this particular person/group and will back away very firmly.

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Starlight2345 · 29/04/2018 13:13

I would also of pointed out there are another 2 girls not invited to anything

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:14

aero I think we will revert to just doing things with bf and not doing group things anymore. My dd and bf do lots of things together, but they work well on their own and with other friends just as well.

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LARLARLAND · 29/04/2018 13:15

Some people get a massive kick out of excluding others because it makes them feel they belong to a group and others don't. Generally speaking such people are stupid and insecure and not worth spending time with.

JustDanceAddict · 29/04/2018 13:16

I know it must be upsetting but in a few years’ time when they’re at secondary you will have no control over this sort of thing and the kids have to sort it out themselves. DS has been in this type of situation recently (age 14) and me/the other mum haven’t spoken about it at all as it’s for the boys to work out between them. It’s sort of worked in DS’s favour as the other boys in group have seen how DS has been treated and sided with him. DS has actually been mature about it and been the ‘better person’ with my encouragement. I always say ‘kill with kindness’, don’t stoop to their level, but don’t be a mug either and ‘beg’ for the friendship. I hope your dd has a nice day at the theme park - I wouldn’t make a big deal of the sleepover issue as others have said there could be different reasons behind it.

VanillaPriscilla · 29/04/2018 13:16

I’d be pissed off too arrgh however petty that made me look
Not much you can do about it though , I’d just be very wary of the other mother from now on
Yes of course it’s her choice blah blah blah but it’s still not nice

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:17

aero I do think maybe the other girl is trying to edge my dd out thinking about it, under perhaps her mother's instructions. she is an only child and they run a very tight ship.

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Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 13:18

I would just plan things with her best friend, if this girl is not really her friend, and let them do things the two of them. It might not be working out as a group, but the girl can still be her best friend or have more than one best friend.

diddl · 29/04/2018 13:18

If the plan was the theme park together tomorrow & that it still happening, there's really no need for everyone to be included in any other plans happening around that.

You were never all going to be going in one vehicle were you so if the other two mums have decided to share a car that's up to them.

Your daughter & maybe you have learnt the lesson that people don't always do everything together.

See how it goes tomorrow-if the other two are being pushed together by their mums then they won't be trying to push your daughter out.

If they are naturally gravitating towards each other then you need other friends.

bimbobaggins · 29/04/2018 13:18

Is the mother going for the sleepover too as I see all mothers are going to the theme park?

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:19

justdance Just can not wait for the day when the dc become older enough to sort the dynamics out themselves. I feel quite sick at the thought of tomorrow if I am honest, because it is a whole day with her, and no escape. She also has form for gushing over the other mother, praising her relentlessly and directing endless compliments towards her dd. It is a charm offensive and I didn't see it before this happened.

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Snowysky20009 · 29/04/2018 13:20

You don't know the full story. Could
They now be sharing a car for example. Could mum have plans and host mum said it's ok for your dd to stay over?
The girls may have asked themselves for it to happen. You don't know!
Just go and enjoy the day. There will be plenty of sleepovers to go to. You can't get worked up every time this happens. And it will- again, again and again.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/04/2018 13:21

The girls are all 8/9 so this is Year 4? There only being 6 girls in the class is likely to throw up lots of friendship issues over the next couple of years - a really common time for girls to start re-evaluating friendships. Do you love the school OP? I'd personally be at least thinking of moving DC to another school (and continuing to maintain friendship with BF). My DC used to go to a junior school where there was a huge influx of DC from "local small school" in Year 5, as the small school got too claustrophobic.

ZoeWashburne · 29/04/2018 13:21

I don't understand. It isn't like she had a massive party and your DD was left out. When I was a child, I never had more than 1 person over for a sleepover unless it was a birthday party.

Are these girls not allowed to be friends outside of your DD? This isn't a pattern of behaviour, this is one non-event. It is one sleepover.

You can't get invited to everything. Friends can have other friends. There aren't exclusive cliques that all need to be invited to everything.

It isn't like they pretended they had other plans and arranged this behind your back. You are still spending all day (!) with these people at a theme park. I feel like you are projecting a lot of insecurity here at this new woman taking your friend.

But go ahead and mama bear about this one time your daughter wasn't invited to one event before your all day plans. I have a feeling being invited to some events and not others will quickly solve itself when people just stop inviting you all together.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:21

bimbo other mother I am guessing will join her dd tomorrow after the sleepover to drive together to the theme park.

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fluffyrobin · 29/04/2018 13:22

Oh for goodness sake stop being so ridiculous!

Some mums find it easier to have just one girl for a sleepover, it's a good way to get to know them better!

Stop being so precious. You are free to invite whoever you want as a sleepover for your dd too you know!

Hmm
AjasLipstick · 29/04/2018 13:22

We did something similar and I felt terrible but it happened by accident really. My DD was turning ten and didn't want a party...then the week before, she said she wanted a birthday sleepover. No outing...just a special tea and a couple of friends round and to watch films and have cake.

Fine. But we said "No more than 3!" She has a lot of friends...but we didn't realise that one girl who considered herself close to DD would then be excluded.

DD wasn't that fussed as she never said "It must be 4 or X will be left out!"

So we went ahead and then I learned that X's Mum was upset X wasn't asked.

It was very awkward.

grumpy4squash · 29/04/2018 13:23

I'm confused. There are 3 girls in total and 2 are having a sleepover. That's not really 'all but 1', that's a pair.
Quite dramatic, I think.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:24

redsky You make a very good point, and it is something we have been concerned about for ages. We have had other girls leaving for this reason. My older dd has managed really well with just a few girls (the boy heavy issue runs all the way through the school) so I assumed my younger dd would also be fine with this. Now I am not so sure.

I don't love the school, because if any more girls leave we are in real trouble.

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