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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:

Dulra · 01/05/2018 10:27

This kind of thing irritates the hell out of me. We are all adults we have been young girls we can remember how hard it could be at times how you just wanted to fit in, be included not miss out. How at times you were excluded from things and how hurtful this was. So fast forward and you are a mum why oh why would you exclude a child and encourage this exclusion when you no doubt remember how hurtful and upsetting this could be.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 11:13

Mother of dragons I don’t think you have read the post. Appreciate it is long! The issue isn’t that they are sleeping over, the issue was that it was the night before a day out and dd hadn’t been invited. They then had a second sleepover after the day out. Yes the host mother can do what she wants, we all know that, but to have a group of three and leave one out is unkind. Most (not all) people think that isn’t a nice way to treat a good friend. We are fine with it now, and have decided that we need make many more friends.
They are girls, they are young and these things hurt.

OP posts:

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 11:15

Btw the day out had been arranged for ages. Girl 4 was invited but decided not to go (lucky thing!)

OP posts:

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 11:19

Dulra. I just thought the other mothers were better than this, she has been texting me today so I guess she does feel bad now. ESP the host mother had a really horrible time at school so she should know better than anyone.
I don’t think dd is entitled to sleepovers, but I do think she is entitled to decide if she wants to spend time out of school with people that think nothing of hurting others like this.

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 01/05/2018 11:22

Sleepover mother sounds nasty. Hopefully the other mother has her sized up as well and that's what she wants to speak to you about.

CosyLulu · 01/05/2018 11:25

And how is your dd now?

JaneyEJones · 01/05/2018 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 12:17

emmyrose I hope so! Do wish it wasn't this way though.

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Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 12:21

cosylulu dd fine and went to school happily. dc are resilient to most things aren't they. They get hurt, cry and get over it

JaneyEJones Yes it is both, host mother's childhood was horrible because she was bullied, so I am surprised she doesn't know that what she is doing is hurtful but I think we are just collateral damage in many ways. Worst of all her dd moved to our school because she had so few friends, I can see why her mother wants to do her best, but will be alienating others in the process. Stupid really as we have such a small girl year.

Roll on year seven!!!!!!

OP posts:

EdgeOf17 · 01/05/2018 12:50

Just coming on to say i know where you are coming from. DS was good friends with boy 1 and boy 2 since reception (boy 1 was in nursery with him). Boy 1 has started engineering things to exclude DS so B1 & B2 are now splashed over SM as 'bestest friends'

I was bothered by it at first but a good friend of mine who knows the mothers has said she spotted the 'social engineering' ages ago.

Luckily DS isnt that bothered now and plays with other children at school, he doesnt have a 'BF' but reading this thread it seems that this is a good thing, i think he 'spreads himself about'. I also encourage Cubs which he absolutely loves and has made other friends there (B1 & B2 also go to cubs but always run off together).

I also acknowledge that i am more bothered about this than DS, although i agree with you - if DS was upset by it there is no way i would be minimising it.

I am also interested to hear what the other mother wanted to talk to you about..

YADNBU

EdgeOf17 · 01/05/2018 12:52

Sorry just to be clear my first para should have read:

Just coming on to say i know where you are coming from. DS was good friends with boy 1 and boy 2 since reception (boy 1 was in nursery with him). Mother of Boy 1 has started engineering things to exclude DS so B1 & B2 are now splashed over SM as 'bestest friends'

janex1 · 01/05/2018 13:26

It doesn't get any easier/better as they get older so I would go for the "shrugging it off" angle as soon as possible.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 13:29

It seems that boys are better at shrugging this off than girls. With girls their friends seem to mean the world to them.

We are going to practice much more shrugging!

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Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 13:30

I think our kids will be the best shruggers in town after this thread

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EdgeOf17 · 01/05/2018 14:08

Dont get me wrong, in Reception DS was so upset when he thought he had made two good friends (other boys), oh he was so upset when they were mean to him, it was heartbreaking.

I think he has got used to not being centre of attention and has learned the 'shrug'. They all get there

AjasLipstick · 01/05/2018 15:12

I don't think boys are better at shrugging things off at all! I think some boys are hugely sensitive and have feelings which run just as deep as girls.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 17:03

No not all the boys are good at shrugging off hurt feelings, but lots of the boys on this thread have been relatively good at this with the exception of edge’s post. This isn’t about girls being more or less sensitive, it about the parents engineering friendships, and that can happen to anyone!

OP posts:

EdgeOf17 · 01/05/2018 17:09

Yes OP - DS is 9 and is still learning. I can see the light with him though and have found some excellent advice to help him on this thread

Lizzie48 · 01/05/2018 17:12

I agree with you, @AjasLipstick our DD2 is close to

Lizzie48 · 01/05/2018 17:31

Whoops, posted too soon, my DDs interrupted me! My DD2 is close to one of my DNephews. They play together a lot when we all meet up. He tries so hard to please her and gets very upset when she's annoyed with him. So yes, he's sensitive all right. They get on really well usually, though.

Homemenu1 · 01/05/2018 19:08

Mines a boy, and he finds it very hard sometimes,
I think it’s the purposeful excluded from an grow adult which makes it harder.

Fwiw op I went in the school and had a chat about trying to pair ds of with someone else, and also about that the parent excluding him from the friendship. Teacher was really helpful and sat ds next to a chatty boy even though they normally sit boy/girl

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