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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 21:44

Originally the mother of the other child (not hosting) had said no as it is a school night but in the end relented apparently. She looked so worn out today, so I wonder how much energy she has for all of this. She hinted that she needed to talk to me, but no chance today.
We never do school night sleepovers usually, I know they do and don’t think much of it.
My dd is shattered from our day out, and yes I could have dropped off a bag and she probably could have gone but I am a little worried about leaving her there now.

Having seen the girls together today I know for sure it is not them. I sincerely hope the other mother doesnt end up spoiling it by interfering too much. Some of us have a lot to learn from our children.

OP posts:
LittleMia · 30/04/2018 22:17

You don’t really know why or how this has come about so try not to jump to conclusions- it may not be as it appears.

It sucks when our kids get upset and I feel for your dd but this, sadly, this is life and we can’t protect them from all disappointment, no matter how much we want to.

I think just try to square it in your head and move on - no reason not to still have a lovely day!!

Abbylee · 30/04/2018 22:26

OP, I am sorry that you are getting negative nellies who seem to have poor reading comprehension.

Social climbing exists. Hopefully the third mother will notice and try to keep things on an even keel.

MY dd had this: two mothers wanted their dd to be bfs but their daughters enjoyed my dd's company. Mothers are unkind sometimes.

I do not have advice, only empathy.

One thing that I know is that when I planned class parties and a mother said, "it's okay if one child does not get a treat, teaches them life is not fair " I knew that THEIR child would not be the one learning that life is unfair. I always made sure that I brought in extra whatever she was responsible for during the party.

Children learn by example and unfortunately, it is usually magnified.

proudbrows · 30/04/2018 22:40

Oh well I’d be interested to know what non sleepover mum wants to say to you!

KERALA1 · 30/04/2018 22:49

It won't last for much longer op - good luck to social climbing mum trying to police her dds pals 11 plus when they start secondary Grin

We have a friendship group and our dds were all very good friends at primary but it's waxing and waning at secondary. We are careful not to discuss the girls friendships with each other.

You are overthinking it abit though and need to grow a thicker skin and perfect a breezy who cares attitude about it all with your dd. Oh and listen to Taylor Swifts old song "Best Day" she wrote for her parents and how her own mum dealt with similar situation. Made DH and I cry!

Devora13 · 30/04/2018 23:11

I haven't had a chance to go through all the pages of comments being totally honest so apologies if this has been suggested. But could you have a quiet word with the bf's Mum and say your daughter felt a bit sad about being left out, and you wondered if there was something you could tell her that would explain why it was just the two girls? It sounds as though you have known her for a while, and she may not even be aware your daughter was excluded?

octonaught · 01/05/2018 00:31

Looks like the host mother got caught out & made up another excuse to have a 2 nd sleepover, to cover her tracks.
I’m sure your daughter won’t be deliberately excluded again.
I’d try & meet up with bf mum for a coffee without “ Helen” mum interfering.
Well done OP, you handled it impeccably

Aria999 · 01/05/2018 04:07

If there were originally 4 girls going on the outing could it have been that she didn’t have space for all of them, didn’t want to exclude girl 4 and 2 seemed fairer?

CosyLulu · 01/05/2018 05:51

Curious to see what the non-hosting mum wants to say to you! She must be aware that this is unfair on your dd, especially as your dd and hers have been friends for so long!

My dd is 15.5 now and there have always been upsets and exclusions with friends over the years, much worse at secondary school in fact. I would say to hold onto the friendship with her bf as much as you can and maybe fix something for just the two of them to do together soon? It would be a shame for this new girl to break their bond.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 06:59

The second sleepover said it all. Rather than 'compete' with her or get into any games. I have organised some play dates with other girls. Broaden her horizons and encourage other friends. Distance seems the best option.

Thank you for you all your replies. Looking forward to the day when it gets easier! :)

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 01/05/2018 07:20

A sleepover, then a long day out and then another sleepover?!

Why would you even do that?! The other mother is mad!

Homemenu1 · 01/05/2018 07:28

The only good thing Is that the mothers have shown their true colours

diddl · 01/05/2018 07:49

Where does the girl who dropped out fit into all of this-would she usually be doing a sleepover also?

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 07:51

The other mother is desperate! That’s all I can say. Two sleepovers in a row smacks of pure desperation. I think I am well out of it tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 07:55

The fourth girl rarely does things out of school, occasionally she will. Can’t say I blame they after this :)

OP posts:
diddl · 01/05/2018 08:08

It's a great idea to try to get your daughter involved with others. & obviously she can still do stuff with the other 2 if she wants-just not be reliant on them.

I wonder if it's a case of the one mum isn't bothered but finding it hard to stand up to the other?

LoveRun · 01/05/2018 08:15

2 sleepovers with a day out between. That is going to need a whole lot of Wine to get through!

I sympathise with you OP. I am sure most of us have come over a bit tiger mother when we feel our child has been badly treated. Dd had a similar experience recently, one of those two tier parties where a load of girls were invited. But half were staying for a sleepover as well which the mother had asked them to keep secret but of course had been splashed over Instagram by midnight Grin. Dd was one of those not invited which normally would have been OK, but she was the only one who were part of an activity that party girl and other sleepover invitees went to so it did seem odd to not invite Dd. Dd was upset of course. So I put on my best smile and said to rise above it, we don't know the details etc. Maybe time to put some distance between us. Interestingly the mother must have known my DD has found out as she asked for a separate sleepover next weekend. Dd doesn't t want to go and I think I'd find it hard not to ask if this was the consolation prize so she won't be going.

These girls are year 7 btw and dd has known most since she was 4. TBH OP, some people use their children as weapons to play out petty vendettas or are just plain nasty arseholes. Some parents behave like they are in the playground themselves. Rising above it and expanding your horizons is definitely the way forward

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 08:16

It is absolutely the case, she has a lot on and often gets bulldozed into things. Her dd is very sociable so it is easier sometimes just to say yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 08:23

Overrun. Those split party sleepovers never work, you can guarantee at least one child will be upset! Horrible for your dd to have to see the photos on sm too. We have that all to come!
I wouldn’t be rushing to agree to a consolation sleepover either ( I am expecting the same to happen with us as the other mother has texted dates for things already)
I do wish I didn’t have to be involved and they were old enough to organise themselves.

OP posts:
Limoncell0 · 01/05/2018 08:25

A sleepover followed by a long day out and then another sleepover - then school the next day - is ridiculous!

This kind of mum puts other mums in the awkward position of constantly having to say no.

My DD and is at school with someone (not a particular friend) who is an only child. The mum asks every other Sat if DD can go for a sleepover and it's just too much. She went once, the girl kept her up all night and DD was shattered at school the next week. They don't supervise the girls at all and I feel like they just want to use my DD so that their daughter isn't cmbirhering them. It puts me in the position of constantly having to think of excuses.

I bet the other mum would prefer her daughter to not be having a second sleepover, but the sleepover mum is too obtuse to see this. All sounds a bit desperate to me.

diddl · 01/05/2018 08:44

Well hopefully if the girl is tearful & tired at school then the other mum will realise that just saying yes for an easy life isn't the way to go.

She needs to put her daughter first!

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 01/05/2018 09:33

limoncello Host mother's dd is an only child too, and this could be why she is always arranging things. It is understandable but I don't want to spend every weekend with school friends. Dd sometimes needs a break from it all.

The other mum is on the receiving end as she has her dd (9) but has 2 more that are teens, so for her it is easier sometimes for her dd to go and then she can focus on the teens and her work.

OP posts:
TawnyPort · 01/05/2018 09:36

Well hopefully if the girl is tearful & tired at school then the other mum will realise that just saying yes for an easy life isn't the way to go

A grown woman hoping that a child is upset? WTF?

diddl · 01/05/2018 09:48

"A grown woman hoping that a child is upset? WTF?"

Yes, that's just what I saidHmm

m0therofdragons · 01/05/2018 10:16

All sleepovers here are for one friend and often there are parties where everyone goes and one has a sleepover. Surely your dd will get to sleep over a different time? If 4 were invited and one left out then that would be rubbish but although I can see dd would be a bit disappointed I really can't see why it's such an issue. I'd just say to dd, would you like me to arrange a sleepover soon and if so, who would you like?