all invited for a sleepover but one

[elderflowerandrose]

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

Elderflowerandrose honestly if a friend asked one of my DC at the last minute and the Mum had told me what had happened I'd bend over backwards to help and so would anyone of my 5DC,we've raised them all to believe that if you can you should treat everyone the same with respect and kindness.

I really hope it all works out and that your DD and you manage to have a lovely day tomorrow and please let your DD know that is nothing that she has done or hasn't done,sadly some people never grow out of the school ground bullying of excluding someone even after they've become parents it would seem

I agree 3 girls do tend to lead to problems, I have been here with my daughter many times and it is upsetting however you need to rise above it show your DD the valuable life lessons to be learnt. Practice your happy smile for tomorrow I'm sure your 2 dd's will have a lovely time.

Generally girls do come through this my DD has and it's been tough at times but it has taught her about different people, my DD socialises out of school, she also only has a few girls In her class so the the three scenario happens often, I just try to keep smiling for my daughters sake and don't lower myself to other tactics. I would however be really upset if I thought I had upset another child, like others have said though maybe your DD will get invited another time, I did have 3 girls round at one time to avoid exclusion it was awful so never again.

Hope you all have fun tomorrow let us know how it goes.

just read your post about your older DD going as well that's a lovely idea,I hope both of your girls have a really lovely time.

Thank you for the encouragement, elderflowerandrose the problem at the moment is that DD1 has been muscling in on DD2 and her friends, and DD2 is starting to object, understandably. (I've posted a thread about this elsewhere.)

It sounds like you've handled this really well, I'm sure your DD will be fine. It's really so hard to see them hurt, isn't it? I was excluded at school and it's very hard not to overthink things as a result.

My DD14 has been 1/3 friends for years. The other two do go off together more and don't include her.

We've had all the chats about ok to not always being included everything, having more friends, me being supportive/positive but the fact remains it's really shitty when she is the one always left out. It's hurtful, girls relationships are difficult. If my DD arranges something she includes all of them, the other two don't, it's hurtful.

I'd be concerned that there are only 6 girls in your DDS class..
Kids are resilient... I actually pulled my DD out of her primary school in year 4 to another one (for other reasons) and despite me having sleepless nights with worry, she coped very well and settled and made more friends... just saying...

I'm a bit confused OP, hopefully you can clear up some of your earlier posts for me.
You say that your DD and her 'BF' do things just the two of them, but that her 'BF' doing something with NG (new girl) is excluding your DD. But then go on to say these friendship groups have been the same since nursery, hence why you know the parents so well as you have also known them for years, and they have always had sleepovers as the 3 of them as they are all so close.

Personally, I don't see the problem. As a young teen, I had two very close friends. Mostly we would do something in a group of 3, other times we would have additional friends too or there would be just two of us, and it really could be any two. I think it's important that your daughter learns to see that others do things without her, just as she does things without them (going out with just 'BF').

That really isn't helpful, EthelHornsby there was no need for that. The OP has actually handled the situation well, but she's allowed to be hurt. You're the one that's sounding like you haven't left the playground.

I don't think you're overreacting to feel how you do. It sounds like you and your daughter have been "Helened"by New Mum.
I've had this happen. My son had a best friend at school. Another mum almost seemed to choose BF as her son's BF and repeatedly pushed them together including inviting BF's mum to dinner etc. It was odd as both BF and New Boy were friends with my son and would try and include him but NM would make all sorts of excuses. I think she disapproved of me (evil working mother) and wanted my son well away from hers. Well not only hers but from BF who she had selected as the chosen friend. All three boys were bemused - it was quite sad.

Thankfully son is now at secondary and parental meddling is at a minimum thank fuck.

The people who are telling OP to grow up need a good shake! I grew up with 2 close friends from 3-11 and I would have been hurt if they had had a sleepover together behind my back. I think my mum would have been hurt for me too and if DS was in this position I would be hurt for him. Of course kids should try and have a wide circle of friends by naturally you do form wee groups.

OP you are not being childish or precious on behalf of your DD but I would keep your counsel so far as saying anything goes. See how tomorrow goes and then, as you've said, try to expand the friendship circle a bit.

Great chance to say to your daughter that although you don’t want her feelings hurt, now she knows how it feels she can make sure she never makes other people feel that way. It is a more powerful way of thinking about it to stop her feeling a victim. A little comment on the other mother having poor social skills might not go amiss too.

I susoect that OP is more bothered by this than her DD. People can invite who they want, when they want and how they want.

Perhaps the 2 girls want time to themselves and have arranged this rather than the mothers. By making such an issue of this I expect they'll take a step back from you and consequently your DD

I’m guessing the sleepover was arranged to suit the mothers, not the girls. I wouldn’t tell your daughter that it’s not a big deal if it is to her, because she won’t believe you. The best thing to do is approach her friend’s mum and ask her; phrase it in a concerned way as if your daughter might have done or said something & see what she says. There are a lot of arselicking mums in my area who like to ‘build’ friendships with the kids of wealthy parents; most of the time these friendships fall on the wayside as kids get older and more independent.

Thank you for all of the kind comments. I have been talking to dd and making sure she is good for tomorrow, she seems happier now, and I have reminded her that her friends will be excited to see her regardless of the sleepover.

I don't feel I am overreacting, but I can't just simply ignore my dd's feelings (and upset) about this, and other girls are always having play dates etc and she never bats an eyelid, so dd does not have form for being overly upset about every day girl stuff which is why this is quite out of character.

RafikiIsTheBest my dd and another girl have been great friends since they were 5. They play one to one and with groups of girls and have never been exclusive, but they do have a strong bond. The new girl arrived around 7 months ago and is very sweet, and we have all made her (and her family) very welcome. My dd likes her a lot. All good to now, and lots of sleepovers and play dates and outings with all three, and sometimes four girls. Up to now they have all done things together, although sometimes we all have one to one sleepovers. No problem.

Last month I noticed that the new girl's mother was fawning a lot over the other mother, I would go as far as to say it is quite nauseating, but I still really liked her, she is good fun and a nice person.

When we do things with the dds we tend to do it as a group and include them all, which is why I was so surprised that she would arrange a sleepover for just two of them the day before the girls outing without mentioning it. In the past we would have made the sleepover for all of them, naturally not wanting to leave one out. They all love sleepovers, but for many reasons we can't do them very much, so they are a rare treat which is why my dd was so upset.
It was not an accident and the other mother doesn't need childcare, it is a Sunday night and we are all at home.

I don't know what the term ' Helened' means? Please tell me. For the record I am not the kind of parent that would ever do this, I always think through the dynamics and so does she....usually.

One reason for this happening may be that four fit in the car but not six. Perhaps one of the mums is not keen on driving the distance or car in use or something?
Also perhaps hosting friend has mentioned the other child more and the mother is going on that?

Nevertheless, it is hurtful for your dd1 to spend the day with two friends who had a sleep over the night before. I'd try not to make a big deal out of it as it will only make things more awkward.

boopsy That is true! That would be much worse. They are not at an age where tactful diplomacy comes naturally.

Just to say also that if my dd had been cool with this, it would not bother me in the least. It is because she is hurt by it.

Allthebestnamesareused

Yes obviously we are all free to do whatever we want, whenever we want, but I am raising dc to be considerate of others and not to just think of themselves.

I am relieved to hear it gets easier as they get older, I am looking forward to the day I don't need to be involved and they organise their own lives :)

I would advise not nurturing a close friendship of 3 as it always causes problems. Friendships fluctuate a lot with children and it is fairly normal for 2 of the children in a group of 3 to become closer for a period.

You have fallen into the trap of them being an inseparable group of 3 meaning if two of them have a sleepover it is seen as an exclusion. You would see it is absolutely ok for a child to invite just one friend for a sleepover if it wasn't your dd who was upset.

Make it normal for them to have sleepovers with one or two of the threesome, but also with other friends so it isn't felt as a, probably unintentional, snub. Expand their friendship group so they are not confined to friends just because they have been friends for years.

If these girls and parents are getting closer (and there is nothing wrong with that), there is a possibility one of them might invite just one of them on a holiday together to keep their dd compoany which if this tight threesome continues will be much harder on your dd than a sleepover (I know, been there!).

We had this with ds(14) around age 9-10 and really close and exclusive friendships at that age are not healthy. 2 of his threesome got really friendly for a year or so and he felt really left out. He now has a much wider group of friends, still including the 2 original friends who aren't as close anymore to each other either, and is much happier. In hindsight I wouldn't have encouraged just 3 being so close.

I'd be upset too if I was her (and you - and I was 1 of 3 close friends growing up) and think you're dealing with it well. If you're anywhere near me though I'd cancel going based on the forecast alone though!

The weather is the other issue! It looks shocking!