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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 30/04/2018 05:15

elderflower - you're entitled to feel as aggrieved about this as you like. They're your feelings, and they are what they are.

But the most important thing here is your daughter.

If she's sensitive, and more likely to be upset by this, then that's all the more reason to play this down.

You can privately be as irate as you like, but if you let on to your DD that you feel upset and angry on her behalf, then she's absolutely going to feel upset, angry and left out, too.

The best thing you can possibly do in a situation like this is be blasé and breezy, waving away any upset and down-playing it.

The less of a big deal you make it, the less of a big deal it is.

This was something my own mum was so good at. I would come to her with [insert random friendship drama], and she would always, always diffuse the situation by dialling down the idea that there was any fuss to be had over the situation at all. And then it was all forgotten.

The priority here is your DD, and how you can help her to get past this quickly and with minimal 'scars'.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 05:42

stressedoutfred That must have been truly awful. Your post has really put things in perspective for me, if your ds was so ill that would be the moment you would hope his friends would be there for him. You must have been to hell and back.
Why do you still go out with them if it causes arguments out of interest? Esp given your ds was so ill having chemo and they were nowhere to be seen? I would not waste my time on them seriously. You have been through so much, I hope you ds is better now?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 05:46

Homemenu1 You are absolutely spot on. I just know on some level this is happening. Nothing obvious, apart from this one sleepover, but a million subtle ways. I have been amazed to watch the 'engineering' that goes on behind the scenes, and the thought that goes into it! A real eye opener for sure if you have been there?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 05:50

Momo18 I have reflected carefully on whether or not I am being precious and you are right to ask. The honest answer is no I don't think so, well not on this occasion anyway.
I have been bright and breezy but acknowledging my dd's feelings. We have a solution, and she is completely fine. My instincts however tell me there is more to it, and to be careful.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/04/2018 08:00

"The adults orchestrate the friendships and I think OP has had a lightbulb moment! "

I would have thought that the girls are too old to be forced together if they don't want it.

If this does cause these two girls to gravitate together then I think that it wouldn't have been long before the "three" drifted apart.

It could be that the activities that are on offer have been keeping the girls together & not a great desire for each others company.

Certainly it would seem in this case that the other girls are happy enough to have a sleepover without Op's daughter.

Who knows what would happen if Op's daughter could have just 1 friend for a sleepover at some point or it had been decided that the friend who dropped out should sleepover with Op's daughter for the sake of convenience?

Letseatgrandma · 30/04/2018 08:50

I would see these as two different events- sleepover with a friend and then a day out with 2 friends. There is just an overlap of one friend.

I like sleepovers with one other and find sleepovers with 3 girls is often a total nightmare!

I think I am in the minority though!

Thespringsthething · 30/04/2018 08:55

The problem is the small pool of potential friends in the school. This is causing the OP and her daughter to worry about keeping friendships which may be waxing and waning anyway. The OP is spending too much time trying to strategize precisely because if her dd drifts away from the two (deliberately or just because that's what happens sometimes) she'll have almost no friends at school. It's hard to relax then in these situations which, with a larger pool of friends, would more naturally sort themselves out (e.g. children who were friends in nursery often aren't friends by first year secondary). This may be ok til end primary but after that, I think a bigger selection of friends would be better esp as you really can't micro-manage friendships by then and if two girls fall out, parents won't be able to patch it all back up again.

chocatoo · 30/04/2018 09:48

Good morning! In answer to your question OP, we soldiered on. The small number of girls divided into 2 camps making fallings out even harder to manage as the this reduced the pool even more! We encouraged DD to be friendly to everyone, including friends from other years, we also made sure that DD had lots of friends outside of school (which I think is healthy anyway).
In retrospect I think she would have enjoyed a move to a bigger school. The whole thing helped to make my DD more resilient.

I agree that sometimes the right thing to do is to be bright and breezy but other times the right thing is to show your child that you do understand what's happening and support them with strategies.

Homemenu1 · 30/04/2018 13:40

I would see these as two different events- sleepover with a friend and then a day out with 2 friends. There is just an overlap of one friend. would you though as an adult if you were say going to a party and the 2 you were going with were getting ready together and you hadn’t been included? Would you be able to them as separate events? Would you be a bit hurt.
There are so maybe post on her of adults feeling left out of events be it a party or coffee at work, and this is s child.

Also now the other Mum will feel obliged to have the other child back for a sleep over. Op get in first and invited the other child for a sleep over this weekend. Maybe a nice shopping trip as well

LadyDuplo · 30/04/2018 13:45

I don't know why the OP has been told not to be so petty etc.

It's the timing of the sleepover that's the problem.

3 girls going to a theme park but 2 of them have a sleepover the night before hence waking up together all excited, having breakfast together, car journey together etc. Talking about what rides are the best, what they want to go on first etc.

I think OPs instinct regarding the mother is correct. It's tactical.

But, agree you need to be sweetness and light to the mother concerned- and downplay to your daughter.

Hope the trip was a success.

TawnyPort · 30/04/2018 13:50

This post doesn't make much sense. ALL but one invited for a sleepover? You make it sound like your child is being specifically excluded from a large gang, when really one child is sleeping at another childs house. There is no ALL about 2!
There are any number of reasons why one specific child may be staying over, none of which are about you. You sound kinda difficult tbh.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 14:01

I am here. It’s okay apart from the rain. Girls were delighted to see each other and hugged dd when we saw them, they said they wished dd could have been with them last night. That has been the only awkward moment. Host mother looked startled at the comment and slightly embarrassed - I laughed and said next time. So wish I wasn’t here it is cold, and wet and I am tired and I am not doing this again!

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 14:06

Thank you for your messages. I haven’t got tons of confidence and you all made me feel so much better. I am trying to be the very epitome of calm and collected, and making it a nice day for everyone despite the fact we are wearing ski jackets and are still cold.
Tawny, you are right it was completely the wrong title in hindsight.

OP posts:
stressedoutfred · 30/04/2018 14:08

@elderflowerandrose , we go out with them as it would be awkward to avoid them as I see both mothers most days. DH hated it all and wanted to say something at the time but knew that for me it would make most days very awkward.

We've just moved on, we have other friends and DS is lucky to have a lovely group of friends .

DS is doing ok at the moment thanks Smile

stressedoutfred · 30/04/2018 14:10

@missperegrinespeculiar - one of the mums in particular is very self centred, just the way it is really! I've just sucked it up as I hate confrontation and would rather be the bigger person

youarenotkiddingme · 30/04/2018 16:17

They sound like great friends with the way they treated DD. Hopefully her friends won't exclude her even if 1 Mum is trying to engineer that.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/04/2018 16:18

Greeted DD. I can never work out why my iPhone it's choice of words is better than mine!

Sparklyglitter · 30/04/2018 17:31

Can you organise a sleepover for your daughter?

Jayfee · 30/04/2018 17:34

My suggestion is that you keep an eye on the ride sharing..that they alternate fairly so your daughter is not left out.

magoria · 30/04/2018 17:42

God I remember this from when I was a kid many years ago.

My two 'friends' when they were friends were best mates and didn't want to know me. As soon as they had a falling out one or both of them would be all over me.

I didn't quite understand it back then but it still hurt like shit sometimes.

Good on you for looking out for DD.

Tumbleweed101 · 30/04/2018 17:58

I only have space for one friend to stay at a time. Could this be a reason?

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 30/04/2018 18:00

I’m a bit old school.
You don’t get to pick what you’re invited to. It’s really entitled to think that just because others are going you/your child should go to.
It is mean...but, not your choice.
We’re the kind of family that do whole class parties because I don’t like seeing children upset. However, my daughter is very shy and often not invited to other people’s parties - that’s life and she’ll need to learn to deal with it. Thankfully, she understands

RickyGold · 30/04/2018 18:10

My ds 9 loves sleepovers, we host mostly and I now only allow 1 of his friends at a time as sleepovers with more than 1 are a nightmare, it does not have to have any malice behind it, he accepts it and so do his friends - well they certainly nag me plenty for one!

biscuitraider · 30/04/2018 18:15

Yanbu, it might sound petty but i know how these kind of things can cause upset. It's fine to have just one for a sleepover but ffs, there's three in this friendship group. I hate the way a mother can cause divisions like this by excluding one child. This mother should have had NOBODY for the sleepover or both of them. Kids fall out enough as it without all this nonsense.

MsJolly · 30/04/2018 18:37

Think you've handled it well. I would certainly be keeping an eye on things though and if it happened again in similar circumstances I would say something. Also I would start maybe edging away from the threesome doing everything-invite another or do two. Threes never work.

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