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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 18:54

I wish I was the kind of person who didn’t care about my dd being so sad and was able to shrug my shoulders and say that’s life kid, kind of also wish she was the kind of girl that didn’t care, but she is a really caring person by nature and outs her all into life in general. So when she is hurt by those that she trusts it is hard. I know they all go through it, but I honestly these people were better than this ( I have obviously been very lucky to now!)

OP posts:
IlikemyTeahot · 29/04/2018 18:58

Oh I see ...it does seem a bit off then

WeAllHaveWings · 29/04/2018 19:27

I honestly these people were better than this

Now you are just overreacting to this and seeing it too much as an exclusion rather than the other two girls are just having a sleepover.

It might be the girls or mums were talking and they asked for a sleepover and the mum wasn't keen, but gave in to just one sleeping over as its quieter but didn't want a group sleepover and didn't think it would cause such an issue (because it really shouldn't).

They are allowed to have a sleepover inviting just one child / without inviting your dd, they aren't doing anything wrong, are you saying they cant ever have a sleepover without inviting her?

It doesn't mean they aren't still her friends like before, it doesn't mean she cant trust them anymore, or they/their parents have behaved badly, that is just being overly sensitive and melodramatic. I am saying this as I have had those thoughts too with ds when he wasn't invited to some sleepovers but gave my head a wobble and told myself that I was being unreasonable. After it happened we started having sleep overs mixing up the children that came and it took away this expectation the 3 always had to do it together.

This will continue to happen with a small group of 3, there will be periods the children will naturally be closer to one or other of the group and might want to do things as just two of them, expand her friendships to give her more options.

Octonaught · 29/04/2018 19:39

To be Helened is when someone new comes into a group & tries to turn everyone else against one other member of said group. Something like that....

bimbobaggins · 29/04/2018 19:40

I thought it was wendied?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/04/2018 19:41

That’s shitty
I would never do that
Yanbu to feel hurt

Time for distance maybe ?

Onwards and hope she has a nice day anyway

Octonaught · 29/04/2018 19:43

Copied from another thread from @hygge

Wendy comes from the Judy Blume book Blubber.

Helen is from the film Bridesmaids.

A Wendy alienates a person from their friendship group by turning people against that person.

A Helen uses one-upmanship to try and be the best friend of someone, but again alienating someone else in the process.

It's a shorthand way of explaining that kind of behaviour when you encounter it. And I suppose they've come into use on here because lots of people remember the book and have watched the film.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/04/2018 20:01

Helened, wendied???? These are 8 year olds! Not adult friendships. The terms are really not relevant for children whose friendships should be many, varied, flexible and fluid as all their personalities develop and change.

Welding 8 year old children together in exclusive relationships just because they have been together since nursery is never going to work and will inevitably result in upsets when one of them tries to expand their friendship horizons.

chocatoo · 29/04/2018 20:34

I completely get it OP. I think its a great idea to include big sis. We have been in a similar position and its hard. Work on building more friendships and I wouldn't rule out other schools. Again we were in a similar position and I regret not at least considering moving my daughter.

Octonaught · 29/04/2018 20:50

I think a pp poster was referring to the sleepovermum re: Helening. Inviting other parents to dinner parties etc

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 20:52

octo Thank you! Wendied or helened. I definitely feel this is happening.
NOT between the girls at all, but the mother who arranged the sleepover.

weallhavewings I think you are missing the point entirely. All the dc (inc my own) play with everyone. It is not exclusive or anything like that, but there are very few girls, so it is quite difficult to have varied friendships Actually impossible in school to expand horizons in any way. We have lots of family friends outside of school.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 20:55

chocatoo I am considering a school move now, because I can't think this situation will improve, if anything it may get worse if more girls leave and/or they get older and things tend to become more complicated. I am glad I am not the only one that finds it hard work! Did you move your dd in the end?

OP posts:
Octonaught · 29/04/2018 20:56

Sleepoverzilla Grin

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 20:59

stopfuckingshoutingatme thank you, I was beginning to question my own sanity. I am not over reacting or cross in anyway just sad that the mother ever thought it would be okay (and I know she would be livid if it was the other way around and her dd was left out) so for me it is disappointment in her, the kids will be fine and won't care soon enough, but my opinion of this mother has altered drastically.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 21:00

Sleepoverzilla Grin Grin a new one to add to our expanding vocabulary.

OP posts:
chocatoo · 29/04/2018 21:03

No didn't move DD but in retrospect think we should probably have as the pool of available girls if/when they had falling outs was so small in her class. You should probably do it sooner rather than later though.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 21:07

chocatoo We have noticed when some of the girls have had rows it is an international incident, because there is literally no one else to play with. Also if you don't get a long, you are stuck with them for years and years. It just makes life very hard work, and although dd is yet to fall out with anyone, I am sure if (when) happens it will be the same as it has been for the others. It has become a bit of a goldfish bowl.

What happened to your dd? Did she develop strategies or did it just become really stressful? I guess if I move her sooner, she will not resist too much, maybe there is a window of opportunity?

OP posts:
Momo18 · 29/04/2018 21:14

Op do you not think your being a bit precious? If you carry on your daughter will end up insecure about friendships. The girls Mum probably thought it was too much having the three, I know I wouldn't want to. When my DC have sleepovers it's usually one child and DC chooses. These girls obviously like your DD, don't spoil it for her by making her over sensitive and dispondant perceiving it as rejection. Maybe your projecting here? You have felt that one mum basically brown noses the other and tries to impress her, it comes across you feel a bit put out by that. Your not on the playground now op, your an adult and it really is ok for adults to be closer to some friends then others. Everyone clearly likes you and your DD, hence the invite. Relax

RedSkyAtNight · 29/04/2018 21:22

As I said upthread, my DC used to go to a junior school where it was very common for DC from neighbouring small schools to join in Y5. The reason cited by their parents was generally that the small school had become claustrophobic. All of the DC settled in very well - there are so many changes in friendship dynamics in Y5, particularly among girls, that they were positively embraced as new "blood". I would not be happy with my DD in a class with only 6 girls, there is just no where to go when you're not 100% happy with the way things have always been ...

Homemenu1 · 29/04/2018 21:33

Op the other mother is trying to exclude your dd, by all means have a sleep over but it doesn’t have to be the night before w group trip, particularly if this isn’t the president. She knows full well what she is doing. She has drawn a line.
My ds is in a similar situation one of a group of three and one of the mums has been fairly instrumental in trying to exclude my ds.
Her dc also likes to point the finger at ds quite a lot which i hadn’t notice, and I think encouraged by the Mum, but now I’m very aware and am on the look out.
Protect your dd.

Colbu24 · 29/04/2018 21:37

We simply don't allow sleepovers. That way our DS doesn't even ask and my friends know not to ask.
Seems harsh but we just want to avoid the potential grief that can come from these invitations.
Our DS it's 12.

stressedoutfred · 29/04/2018 21:50

A group of three is difficult. We're friendly with two other families, we all have children in the same year at school.

All was lovely, lots of great days out etc. Then my DS became ill ( needed chemo) and suddenly our invites dried up Sad. Excuses along the lines of saying they thought DS wouldn't have managed etc - would have been nice to at least being asked! Chemo ended a year ago but it's not gone back to how it was. We've just had to move on.

One of the mums, whilst she's generally ok, is very pushy and doesn't hold back in saying how desperate she wants her DS to be amazing friends with the other couples DD. She's not so keen on DS, he's got a great group of friends since pre school and I think she feels he's not worth trying to encourage friendship. Sad really as DS would love that friendship with her son .

We've moved on, if events do include us we try and bring another friend to even it out, as it'll always end up with arguments and DS gets the blame as the other couples DD likes him Hmm

Looking forward to DS being old enough to deal with his own social life!

GreenTulips · 29/04/2018 23:52

These are 8 year olds! Not adult friendships

The adults orchestrate the friendships and I think OP has had a lightbulb moment! Woman have a sixth sense for these things and the other woman is trying to break the 3 and become a cosy 2 - now depending on how OP handles the situation (all guns blazing - will be seen as psycho or all sweetness and light - perfectly normal)

This doesn't mean OP has to play her at her own game - but the BF mother needs to become aware of the situation

It maybe that this mother would expect your DD to be at the sleepover and isn't 'in' on the exclusion - she may question why one was left out - there may even be a sob story involved. But she will be in a difficult situation.

Do not play tit for tat as she will feel squashed in the middle

Smile and be kind people work others out quite quickly

MrsA2015 · 29/04/2018 23:56

Wouldn’t get involved tbh, I’m sure if the other girls wanted your DD there they would’ve mentioned it to her or something. Please don’t try to force a relationship just because they’ve spent more time together compared to the new girl, I was forced into beinf someone’s Best friend all my childhood because of the parents opinions

missperegrinespeculiar · 30/04/2018 03:00

stressedoutfred that is just the lowest of the low! Instead of rallying around a family going through the most difficult time of a child's illness they exclude you? unbelievable!

You are a far better person than me still talking to this people! Lovely to hear your DS is doing well!

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