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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:

IlikemyTeahot · 29/04/2018 12:26

Maybe they're doing it for convenience...I personally wouldn't ask them anything. To be honest I would find it a bit odd to be asked something like that.
Yes your daughter may feel a bit left out but not everything has to be fair and I wouldnt make a big deal about it.
Just tell your DD it's to make leaving early and car sharing a bit easier for them.
If your going to be all upset over it then expect the same from your DD (and probably make the atmosphere of the day super awkward)
Usually kids get over things quite quickly.
I'm sure they're all going to be way too excited about your day trip to focus on who slept where.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:36

We all live equal distances from each other so it is not for convenience, and my dd would not buy that either. I don't want to lie to her when she knows we all live close to each other.

Our thoughts are that things should be fair most of the time, and we wouldn't personally organise a day out and then just invite a few for a sleepover. It is not especially kind. I get what you saying about atmosphere, but I do feel they will have created that not me.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 12:40

Elder that is sad and a bit shitty. Mabey the girls are more friendly with each other, than your dd, or the mums. I would not say anything, but distance yourself from that group a bit, and encourage your dd to make other friendships, not too invested in these. As they say, 2 is a company, three is a crowd.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:46

Thanks aero actually you are right distance might be a good idea. Usually I go with the flow and we usually take things as we find them.
In fact my dd and the other girl have been bf for several years and the other one is relatively new to our group who organised the sleepover has only been at our school for 7 months or so. So it is difficult. I don't want to make a thing of it, equally it is upsetting for dd.

Distance is hard because they are all in the same class and there are only 6 girls! Rest are all boys :(

OP posts:

Flutist · 29/04/2018 12:46

How mean to leave out a child. I blame the hosting mother who only invited one child, not the mother whose child was invited as she may not have known your DD wasn't invited too.

I'd organise another sleepover and not invite the child whose mother hosted this sleepover. Two can play at that game. And I'd take a step back from friendship with that particular mum too. Personally I couldn't be friends with her if she purposely left out my child.

CreamTeaa · 29/04/2018 12:48

Maybe the new mum is trying to cement friendships for her daughter ? Maybe the mum don’t want 2 other girls round and finds them unmanageable so having one is easier.

Unfortunately, life isn’t fair and this won’t be the first thing your daughter isn’t invited to.

Just have a good day at the theme park

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:50

flutist

I must admit it has really altered my opinion of the mother who arranged the sleepover. I definitely think a lot less of her now.

I was hoping to try and be mature about it, but I do feel pissed off to be in this position!

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 29/04/2018 12:51

If they're sharing a car for whatever reason then it does fit to only have the four of them there in the morning.

It does suck massively for your dd, but I remember that feeling if been left out in little ways that meant a lot vividly and I think it's a good opportunity to start building her resilience to it.

I would be encouraging her to put it to one side and enjoy the day out. Ask them directly, and friendly how the sleep over was and be genuinely interested, teach her to rise above it. In the children's defence it sounds like they've had very little input if one of the mums is pushing it.

Be aware that a theme park is likely to highlight divisions in a threesome too - two seater rides in particular.

Then once tomorrow is done start encouraging other friendships. None of this shit hurts so much if you have a wider social circle.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:51

creamtea

She is trying to cement her dd's friendship at the expense of my dd that is the problem, and I am not sure I can spend all day smiling sweetly knowing she is deliberately doing this.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 12:53

I would definitely distance yourselves, I think the two mothers are getting more friendly, you said you noticed something. Encourage your dd to take part in outside activities so she can make friends, so she relies less on these girls. Yes it happens and it isen't fair, but teach your dd to shrug her shoulders and move on. if the girls wanted to cement the friendship, why a sleepover straight after the day out, with one girl left out. They could do the sleep over any other time. Its very shitty of the hosting mother, and I personally could not do that to a friendship group like that.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:54

cornetoninja My dd does have lots of other friends outside school but our school is small, and this is one of the problems. The socialising is limited. Good point on the rides, I will look out for that!

OP posts:

my2bundles · 29/04/2018 12:54

My son similar age is in a group of 5 best friends but I only ever have 1 over for a sleepover at a time. Anymore is to much at this age.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 12:55

I hope that the girls don't make it obvious to your dd at the theme park and exclude her, that would be bad, I hope that she has a lovely time, and finds other friendship groups.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/04/2018 12:55

It's the sort of thing my friend would do for her youngest DD. That's because her DD struggles with friendships and she tries too hard to help her form them. Her theory is her DD won't struggle to mix because she has the sleepover to refer to.

Also agree with above poster who said your dd will take the lead from your reaction to it.

So I'd be saying things like "they'll probably be really tired and you know you'd enjoy the day less if tired." "Just think of all the space we'll have in the car!" "You're great at conversation so just steer it away from the sleepover".

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:55

aero One of the mothers (the invited child) is very wealthy and connected, and although not something I give much thought to usually, I wonder if this is the attraction for the other mother. I feel really sad as they are such a nice group of girls.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 12:56

5 is different to one being left out, has the host mother organised a sleepover with just your dd.

CreamTeaa · 29/04/2018 12:57

How do you know she won’t invite your dd round within the next month or something for a sleepover?

The mums could be friendlier and get on with each other more then you know and as a result the kids will meet up more without your DD.

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:57

my2bundles would you choose to do a sleepover on a day that another boy was also going to be there? Or would you wait for another day?

OP posts:

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:58

creamtea I think the host is definitely trying very hard to be on friendlier terms with the other mother. The other mother seems indifferent to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:59

I think maybe the host mother's dd is struggling a little for friends, but this kind of behaviour will alienate others, so is not really very helpful for her dd in the end.

OP posts:

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 29/04/2018 13:00

Don't lie to your DD. Just explain to her that not everything is shared equally all the time. These girls are allowed to have a sleepover of two, just like your DD would be allowed to have a sleepover with just one of them if she wanted to or if there was a convenience reason.

As long as this isn't part of a general pattern of your DD being excluded by the other two I don't think it's sinister. In friendship groups of three there is just give and take sometimes.

I would also be wary of feeling too upset with the mother who arranged the sleepover when you don't know the whole story. You could make things much harder for your DD.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/04/2018 13:05

Is the sleeping over bit to help out with childcare (rather than specifically an extension of the day out)?

That's the only way this is not extremely rude. Inviting lots of people to a party and only 1 to sleepover is an entirely different scenario.

aaarrrggghhhh · 29/04/2018 13:05

It is really horrible - but people can be horrible. Cliched as it sounds - I think great opportunity to help your daughter (and yourself!) learn how to respond and be resilient when people are being dicks.

Whatever might work for you - but example well that might be a bit hurtful but how can we recognise that we feel hurt (i.e. not pretend that you're not) but not be overwhelmed by it and still go and have a good time. Yada yada -as said whatever might help you.

Good luck! Reminds me of that horrible sick feeling in the tummy when you're left out at school. Ugh. It woudl have benefited me in my life immeasurably if my mother had used those events to teach me how to respond well and look after myself instead of making it into a huge drama (and all about her emotions) - not remotely suggesting you're doing that BTW.

Jaxhog · 29/04/2018 13:05

As long as this isn't part of a general pattern of your DD being excluded by the other two I don't think it's sinister. In friendship groups of three there is just give and take sometimes.

I would also be wary of feeling too upset with the mother who arranged the sleepover when you don't know the whole story. You could make things much harder for your DD.

This.

my2bundles · 29/04/2018 13:06

Elderflower yes I do, they are more than old enough to understand that sometimes they won't be neither.

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