all invited for a sleepover but one

[elderflowerandrose]

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

rachie I think distance would be a good thing. I am not sure I like her very much. I will still be nice, but this group thing isn't working for us anymore.

Well done op, and to your eldest. Nicely handled.

rachie three is a crowd and all that :) There is truth in that!

weirdcat thank you. I am doing my best.

elderflowerandrose
rachie I think distance would be a good thing. I am not sure I like her very much. I will still be nice, but this group thing isn't working for us anymore.

People assume because their kids are friends that they are or should be friends with the mothers.

I can't stand some of my kids friends parents! I'm sure some can't stand me. We don't 'socialise' beyond our children, parties, trips out etc. You don't have to be friends with the parents, you just have to not spoil the kids friendships because of your feelings about the mother.

WTF you have the hosts card marked! Total over reaction you don’t know the situation in which this has come about and friendships especially with girls change constantly! The host might not want three girls as it’s harder to control and be up majority of the night and be too tired for the theme park, the new girl might be trying to develop friendships on a one to one basis, the host might be helping the mum out. It’s strikes it of being at school again and your friend moaning that Megan is taking Sarah away from me, it’s so childish, you don’t own friendships. She’s going to be in for a massive shock when she goes to secondary school when friendships and new friends shift again. If this was a regular thing you might have grounds but it’s a one off. You need to take a step back and stop micromanaging them.

Ignore it. Children come to no harm learning to cope with disappointments. You can't and shouldn't try to fix it

This kind of thing happened to me a lot as a child. No idea why. It's continued to affect me throughout my life and left me quite an insecure person. So some people might not think it's a big deal but it is.

Try to protect your DD and encourage her to make more friends

thechinesechicken I love your name! As a mother I am worried it will erode her confidence if it was left to go on. It is a big deal when you are little. I will def encourage friendships. I hope you have lots of friends now.

confused with all due respect, she has had plenty of disappointments already, and I am not sure she needs another like this.

I should reserve judgement until you know what the motivation for the sleepover was; you seem to be assuming the very worst motives.

If there were originally four girls going, a sleepover for two of them may have seemed perfectly fine, on the assumption that the other two girls could do the same if they wanted to.

The host mother could have all sorts of reasons for wanting to car share.

The other mother may have needed childcare.

It could have happened out of a casual conversation, an impromptu decision, something the girls decided together.

The point is that you have no idea that the new mother is 'cementing friendships at the expense of your dd' or anything else.

dancing their friendships are not changing endlessly because there is so few children. So this does not apply to our situation. The groups have been the same since reception, and so far no one has been able to change it.

rainy I could say with some degree of confidence that the mother would not like this one bit if it were the other way around!!

I have lots now! But I do often doubt friendships unnecessarily. Some children are just the ones this happens to and there's no reason why (although I think it's often the more reserved ones). Hopefully it's a one off and there's nothing more to it

rachie I agree, and our friendship has evolved from many years of seeing them. I tend to allow things to grow naturally, so some mothers of friends are very close to us, and others I never see out of school.

Seems like there is a lot of panicking about someone being left out-hence the sleepover & now Op's daughter's sibling going.

Don't "mark the card" of the mother as that might make it difficult for that girl to be friends with your daughter if she wants.

There seems to be too much parental influence.

You might be surprised who does & doesn't want to be friends when they make their own decisions!

thechinseschicken Glad to hear it, and probably as a result of your childhood you are almost certainly a great friend now.

My dd and bf do lots of things together

that the mother would not like this one bit if it were the other way around!!

Which is it?

Firstly young children should not be encouraged to refer to each other as Best Friends - this automatically excuses other children.

The new child's mother may not understand the protocol of sleepovers and may see you DD and BF excluding hers and as a small group she is pushing a way in for her DD - to the exclusion of yours.

You are right to be wary BUT this may leave your child without a friend at school if you make a big deal from it. It gets worse in year 6!!

I would smile and enjoy the day and take note of how things go, you may be able to drop a few hints to the nicer mum 'why does she always do X?'

Maybe mention DD was upset because she felt left out but you've told her X Y and Z to help get feel a bit better' maybe jolly it along with pre teens eh?

Your first defense is to be nice! Do not lash out andbiver react - smile

Good luck and let us know how it goes

Maybe. Let her be the over-invested mother obsessing about her dd's primary school friendships then. Your dd will benefit long-term from you demonstrating that this is no big deal. If you're worried about confidence and self esteem, show her in every way possible that this is absolutely nothing to worry about. You have about ten more years of friendship issues ahead of you, set the tone now for how you want your dd to handle them.

And I'm not criticising you at all. It is upsetting for both of you to feel excluded. But do not think the worst until/unless you know for sure. I forever resented the mother who accused me of leaving her child out of a birthday party, when she later found the invitation. She looked like an idiot.

OP, I don't think you are overreacting at all, some people are just not very sensitive, and then justify this with claims that life isn't fair, well, no it isn't if people are thoughtless, we should try and make it as fair as possible!

Of course having sleep-overs with just one other friend is fine, but why organise it for the night before a planned activity with a third child? this only underlines the exclusion, why not pick another, unrelated day? then it would not matter and be just one of those occasions when you are not invited, it is not about being invited all the time, it's about not creating a hierarchy of fiends IYSWIM

The only difference I think would be if there was an external reason, such as the need for child care, then I think it would be ok (hopefully that is what it is and things can continue as normal!)

it is not about being invited all the time, it's about not creating a hierarchy of fiends IYSWIM

By referring to each other as best friends creates he hierarchy, so the third child automatically feels left out.

rainy The host mother is very heavily invested and is hosting not just sleepovers but dinner party after dinner party as well. Literally phoning every parent for coffee etc. I have always felt it was her call if she wants to do this. She is completely aware of what she is doing, and is very very focused on her dd. Which is fine, we have always had a more relaxed approach. Yes we have ten more years of this to look forward to!

@elderflowerandrose I've tried constantly, but she gets accused of following them around, and it all fizzles out. She's a bit in their faces IYSWIM. She plays with the neighbours' DDs, which does work nicely, but she's a bit in DD2's shadow; DD2 (3 years younger at 6) is extremely popular and gets regularly invited to parties and play dates. This does make it hard. She's a bit controlling and tends to flounce off if things don't go her way, I observe the interaction when our neighbours' DCs play here.

They used to see their cousins regularly (my DSis's DCs who are a similar age) but they moved far away in the summer so we can only see them on holidays. So that's hard for her, too.

They're adopted and DD1 has SPD and Attachment Disorder. I don't honestly blame her friend's mum for not inviting her, but it's just very sad.

missperegrinespeculiar I hope so too. Always said I wouldn't get involved in playground politics but here we are are

lizzie It is tricky for you as her mother, I am sure in time she will find friends just like her, they have ups and downs throughout their school life. secondary school will be easier I am sure of it.