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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

all invited for a sleepover but one

271 replies

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 12:01

We are all going to a theme park tomorrow. Three girls (age 8&9) all great friends and excited to be going, all 3 mothers are going and are good friends too, not super close but enough to see each other for lunch, drinks etc. Just found out from my dd whom is very upset that the other 2 are having a sleepover tonight and driving there together and she hasn't been invited.

I am quite surprised (and hurt) that they have arranged this quietly, as usually all the girls have a sleepover together. I have noticed one of the mothers is really trying to appeal to the other but didn't think much of it (same one that arranged the sleepover) Dd thinks it is going to awkward if the other girls are chatting all day about the fun sleepover they have had and she hasn't been with them. She is also surprised that they would think this was okay.

I am not sure whether to talk them about it, ignore and carry on and hope that dd isn't upset tomorrow. Is my dd being over sensitive or is this just quite hurtful?

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:45

beamur My eldest dd is like this, she could not care less, my younger dd however has a much more sensitive nature, I can't change the fact she would much rather be having a fun sleepover with her friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:46

octo And I am guessing you have very few problems because of your direct approach and confidence probably works every time :)

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:47

octo Can I have some please? Lots of my other friends would be the same, straight on the phone sorting it out. Maybe I need to be more direct...:)

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 29/04/2018 13:49

My DD (9) sometimes gets messages from friends on sleepovers together too. It doesn't bother her. I always tell her to play with lots of different children and we have lots of different friends to play here. Sometimes together sometimes on their own. I prefer that to her having 1 BF at this stage as things can be so fickle at this age. If we're going somewhere for the day she'll sometimes ask 1 of them to join us. Not always the same one. And she gets invited to days out and sleepovers too. I often see children who's parents socialise together often end up not staying BFs in school as the friendship has been almost forced by the parents friendship (not saying that's what's happened here mind). I'd encourage her to play with the other 3 girls in the class too. It will sort itself out I'm sure

RhiWrites · 29/04/2018 13:50

Ana, Beth and Cerin are all going to a theme park together. The night before Ana’s mum tells her she can have one friend to stay over, she chooses Beth. This is all totally normal. The next day all three girls have fun, enjoying the rides and no one mentions the sleepover.

OR

The next day Cerin is visibly upset and accuses the other girls of leaving her out and Cerin’s mum is distant and disapproving.

The problem isn’t the sleepover, its your massive overreaction OP. Tell your daughter the sensible things other commenters have suggested and don’t turn this into a big drama.

Beamur · 29/04/2018 13:52

I am glad my DD is resilient and I think your reaction is perfectly normal, some kids are just more sensitive to slights than others. Can you do something special with her tonight?

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 13:53

That's really difficult, and of course your DD is upset, as the two of them are her best friends. It's actually a bit odd, has there been a falling out that you don't know about? There might be a genuine reason that you don't know about.

My DD1 has always struggled with making friends and she hardly gets invited anywhere, apart from one friend from Brownies. Her best friend from school came here for a birthday sleepover, but there was no return invitation when she had a birthday sleepover of her own, which her mum had talked about in the playground. Thankfully, though, I don't think DD1 knows about that, so that's not nearly so bad.

ZoeWashburne · 29/04/2018 13:54

OP: Says she understands that you can't be invited to everything, and then proceeds to throw toys out of pram when not invited to everything.

You really need to get a ruddy grip. Two girls out of 3 decide to have a sleepover before all 3 spend the day together. It is such a non-issue!

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:54

lucky I will definitely be increasing her friendships from now on. They all seem to have made their own groups (not steered by anyone) but we will make much effort in the future. This is good advice.

Will revaluate the school generally, as it is helpful to read the posts about it becoming a bigger issue later on, that would not be good.
She does play with lots of other girls in other classes, but it is harder as they don't share lessons etc. I think more could be done in this area. Point taken.

OP posts:
CreamTeaa · 29/04/2018 13:55

Don’t do what Octonaught, how bloody cheeky!

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:58

Lizzie are you encouraging lots of other friends for your dd now?

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Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 13:59

I will do something lovely with dd and hope it goes okay tomorrow with the rides. They will have to take it in turns.

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Thespringsthething · 29/04/2018 13:59

I don't see this as an issue. In my girls' friendship group, having only one child for a sleepover would be fine, and not a big deal. Especially as originally there was a four, but one dropped out. So- would you have expected the mum to have three girls to stay had that one not dropped out?!

I only do one child at a time for sleepovers, that's plenty. Sometimes they go on to do something else the next day and might invite another friend or text when at the sleepover.

As long as your dd isn't being systematically excluded every time, I think this is fine.

We also do sleepovers to cover parents going out, meetings, to share rides, to make things slightly easier. I never have more than one child so this just wouldn't happen in my house as one is plenty!

Your dd is still crying because you didn't reassure her and are still emotionally engaged yourself. I'd honestly not worry about this any further myself.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 14:02

thespring sleepovers are still quite special here, so it is not an every weekend or even a monthly thing. Maybe that is one of the problems. It is still very new for most of them, and still very exciting. If she did much more sleepovers she would probably be indifferent.

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Octonaught · 29/04/2018 14:03

Well with DS I often host the other children as he is an only. I often pick up the other child from school as the mum is working. I guess I am quite direct, but We haven’t lost any friends over it.

I think it is a very British thing to hate confrontation. I’m not British by birth, and now live overseas, so I probably get away with it!

BewareOfDragons · 29/04/2018 14:03

3 is a terrible number for girls frequently, and it will make the theme park rides difficult.

Is there anyone else you could invite at short notice for the theme park?

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 14:05

dd is having a sleepover with her big sister now and we have arranged a midnight feast. I am now taking my eldest too, to balance out the numbers.
Tomorrow going to invite other girls to play etc and broaden her horizons much more (as much as we can with small number of children)
I won't make an issue of it with host mother, but I have her card marked now.

OP posts:
Octonaught · 29/04/2018 14:07

Go you OP! Excellent solution

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 14:08

No fallings out at all, I wish there was a better explanation.

OP posts:
Thespringsthething · 29/04/2018 14:08

I do agree 3 is a bad number, one of my girls had a bad 'three' experience last week when they all get on really well in different pairs.

I think if you can get anyone else to go, this would be a good solution to the issue of rides/waiting.

I would certainly not ask why someone didn't invite my child to sleep over and if I had a text asking me, I'd say no as I don't want to host a (non) sleepover for more than one child. It would make me not like that mum as well because people who are easily offended make difficult friends.

I get if sleepovers are a new thing, it's more of a big deal, but I would just say 'we can't be invited every time' and move your dd on. My dd didn't get invited to about 4 parties in a row recently, no reason, just other kids in small combos early in secondary life, she did eventually get invited to one, but you just have to suck it up and wait your turn (obviously if your child never ever gets invited anywhere this must be awful, but that's a different situation).

Thespringsthething · 29/04/2018 14:08

Great idea to take big sis!

Rachie1973 · 29/04/2018 14:09

but I have her card marked now.

Unmark it and get over it. Seriously! You're not helping your kid.

You have years and years of this shit ahead of you, it gets worse yet.

Original poster
elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 14:09

octo Thanks, every now and then your big sister comes to the rescue! :)

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ZoeWashburne · 29/04/2018 14:10

I won't make an issue of it with host mother, but I have her card marked now.

OP- you sound unbelievably petty and vindictive. How self-centred that you think these people are just plotting how to leave you out. Sometimes in groups of 3, 2 people hang out. Sometimes 2 people hang out with another person. Sometimes 1 person joins another twosome. That is how friends work. They haven't been mean in any way shape or form to you or your daughter. They are all still friends. In fact, I would probably think that you are making this into such a bigger deal then your DD.

Why can't your DD invite them both for a sleepover next weekend?

You feeling left out is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you continue with this conniving and vindictive behaviour.

Creambun2 · 29/04/2018 14:10

Grow up OP