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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL letting her DS open my DS's gift?

160 replies

Flutist · 29/04/2018 11:11

When we've been to dinner at SIL's house we met her husband's parents a few times. SIL drove down to visit them yesterday and they gave her a gift to pass on to our new DS who was born a couple of months ago.

Last night SIL was texting my DH and was saying that her son (age 1) was crying because he wasn't allowed to open the gift from his granny and grandad. She'd tried to explain it was for my DS, not for him, but (unsurprisingly) he didn't understand. The conversation continued: He likes unwrapping parcels! Don't think you are going to get this gift haha, he's determined to open it (video of him bashing the parcel on the floor) Oops he's ripped the paper... Aww it's a teddy bear! Photo of DN holding the teddy bear and crying because she was trying to take it away from him.

DH showed me the messages and I was so angry! Yes I know DN is only little and I know my DS is tiny and doesn't know if his gift has been opened, but AIBU to think SIL shouldn't have let DN play with the parcel at all, never mind open it! She should just have said firmly "No, that's for your cousin not for you" and removed it and put it away. Or not let him touch it in the first place!

She was obviously letting him play with the teddy and get it covered in snot and sticky fingers - she said don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off it before I drop it off, haha. Well my DS doesn't want a dirty second hand toy so I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". I'm now thinking that DN is going to grow up to be an obnoxious entitled little shit because he's never been told NO.

AIBU to send a thankyou card to SIL's husband's parents and add that unfortunately DS didn't receive the gift because DN opened it and wanted to keep it?

OP posts:
PlateOfBiscuits · 29/04/2018 11:13

How ridiculous your SIL is!

The note may be a step too far though.

Bambamber · 29/04/2018 11:15

YANBU. At that age they don't really understand no, but it's easy to take something off them and distract them with something else

Lazypuppy · 29/04/2018 11:16

I'd definitely send the note, maybe with your address attached so they can send things straight to you in the future!

T2517 · 29/04/2018 11:17

I would tell them she opened it. It’s not on. The little boy I look after saw his birthday present two weeks ago when it’s his birthday this Thursday and was desperate to open it. What did I do? I said NO! It really isn’t that hard if you actually say no and move it out of the way. She was obviously encouraging this. Not on.

Babyplaymat · 29/04/2018 11:19

You're a bit precious about the second hand toy/1 yr old growing up to be obnoxious bit but it would have been very easy for her to distract and remove.

FairfaxAikman · 29/04/2018 11:20

She made the situation worse by letting him open it because then he didn't want to give up the gift. And now a nice shiny toy that was mean for your child has become dirty.

It would have been easy enough to wrap one or two of his own toys in newspaper so he had something open if it was really about the process of unwrapping.

my2bundles · 29/04/2018 11:21

snce they know he does this they shouldn't have let him see it in the first place, or if seeing it was unavoidable they should have removed it and put it somewhere he couldn't see it. He would have cried for a few minutes then forgot it even existed .

Tararhu · 29/04/2018 11:23

Sorry but it’s not as if she kept the gift! It was silly of her to let the son see the gift and silly of her to tell you it had been opened- all she needed to do was rewrap it. However, letting him open it was probably just for an easy life. Easy to say you’d say no but if your kid kicks off when you are visiting sometimes you just do whatever you need to to shut them up!

Plus a toy that has been played with briefly by another kid is not worthless and second hand. You can’t call your nephew entitled and then say a ‘second hand’ toy isn’t good enough for your baby. Just wash the toy if it upsets you so much. Plus you are the one that told the sil to keep the toy so you cannot say that she kept it.

Sounds like you have issues with sil. But this isn’t the way to deal with it. Be polite. Thank her kind parents for giving you a gift.

Hermie12 · 29/04/2018 11:27

Sil could have easily dealt with this. Who knows, could she potentially be a little bit jealous her inlaws had bought a gift for your child?

eggcellent · 29/04/2018 11:32

She sounds like an idiot and needs to grow up. Although, you did tell her to keep it so that's kind of your fault, she shouldn't have let him unwrap it but you could have just washed it.

Crunchymum · 29/04/2018 11:32

SIL didn't deal with the situation very well, but OP you are going way OTT about it.

Telling SIL to keep the toy, sending a passive aggressive thank you card to her parents.... seriously, let it go.

AppleFlapjack · 29/04/2018 11:35

Sorry but you sound ridiculous and v precious. Its a bit odd for her to make a point out of him opening it because she could have just put it away and he'd have forgotten about it if distracted.

But second hand toy?! Seriously?! Because a cousin played with it briefly, jesus. Worst case scenario a teddy could go through the wash if you were so bothered, don't write a note everyone will think you are utterly ridiculous and probably laugh about your odd attitude, sorry.

AppleFlapjack · 29/04/2018 11:36

I'm also guessing the way you talk about your nephew that he is not your biological nephew, you sound so spiteful.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 29/04/2018 11:38

She's a dick. But op, he's still a baby (though he probably looks huge and grown up next to your little dot)and doesn't understand,(tbh, at one mine wouldn't have understood the concept if wrapped gifts)so she was a bit goady and teasing (and stirring sending the video) by letting him see it. If she keeps it up then she may have created a monster, but right now he's just a baby. Send a nice note to her dp and smile serenely.

MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 29/04/2018 11:39

I think you’re both being slightly U tbh. She shouldn’t have let him open it, but you are being a wee bit precious and ott about it. I’m guessing there’s more to this though. What’s the back story?

EsmeeMerlin · 29/04/2018 11:40

While I do think sil should not have let her ds open you, you do sound a big ott. It’s hardly a dirty second hand toy. It’s only been played with for a little while, just pop it in the wash no big deal. My youngest ds has mostly everything second hand from my nephew. Just like my nephew has a lot of clothes from my oldest ds. We all have children similar ages so everything gets shared between the cousins.

Idontdowindows · 29/04/2018 11:40

SIL is being deliberately obnoxious. This kind of shit is not a joke and she knows it. Especially since her little one is so young she knows how it is and how people feel about presents.

I would question her motives here.

Witchend · 29/04/2018 11:40

It sounds like she's jealous that your ds got a present and her ds didn't. I don't think that would be an unreasonable card to send to make sure they don't send them through her in future.

It was clearly deliberately done as if he'd accidently got hold of it she'd either have sent an apology or re-wrapped it up. Sending you a photo is plain malicious.

lazyarse123 · 29/04/2018 11:45

I agree with th you op, it can be awkward to say no to a child but that's how they learn. You are a bit ott about the second hand stuff though. I would make sure she knows that she is out of order.

Stormy76 · 29/04/2018 11:45

I don't understand why she thought it was ok to do that? First of all it wasn't for her child, I am sure that her family will be a bit annoyed with her that the gift wasn't passed on. It does sound a little like jealousy on her part, why else would she not have put the gift in a place that the child couldn't see it?

It is very easy to distract a young child so there's is no excuse for it really, incredibly bad manners on her part.

BWatchWatcher · 29/04/2018 11:49

So you’re going to send a note to a couple telling them their daughter and grandson are rude.
By all means....
I do think she went a bit far, but a passive aggressive note is a step too far.

Original poster
Flutist · 29/04/2018 11:51

He's DH's sister's son, so not my biological nephew. It annoys me that he's just allowed to do whatever he wants. Run around a restaurant while all the other cousins sit nicely at the table. Bang his toys off the furniture and climb on the sofa wearing shoes in his own home and other people's. Touch things in my house after I've said no (I've removed things out of his way for both his safety and the safety of my expensive breakable items, and SIL has given them back to him because "he just want to touch"). This is just yet another example of her permissive parenting.

OP posts:
MissDuke · 29/04/2018 11:51

I do think you need to let her parents know what happened because otherwise if they see the DN with the toy, surely they will think you very rude and ungrateful for leaving it behind??!!

Very strange behaviour from sil Confused

Smeddum · 29/04/2018 11:52

I might be missing the point but why didn’t she just put the wrapped present out of the way and give him something else to play with?

I don’t think the thank you card is OTT. If she doesn’t get a grip on herself (because it is HER behaviour that is ridiculous) then she’s going to store up a lot of problems down the line!

TammySwansonTwo · 29/04/2018 11:52

At my twins first birthday, their cousin ripped open every single present (he’s 4). I had no idea who any of the gifts were from as he tore the cards off first. His parents said nothing, just laughed and rolled their eyes. My boys were too young to open them themselves really but I was still a bit upset, and taken aback that his parents said nothing.

My boys are 18 months and have no concept of presents or wanting to open them. They regularly have tantrums if I stop them having something that is the other’s, but I just tell them no and distract them. It’s very unlikely her child was insistent on having that wrapped gift IMO