To be annoyed at SIL letting her DS open my DS's gift?

[Flutist]

When we've been to dinner at SIL's house we met her husband's parents a few times. SIL drove down to visit them yesterday and they gave her a gift to pass on to our new DS who was born a couple of months ago.

Last night SIL was texting my DH and was saying that her son (age 1) was crying because he wasn't allowed to open the gift from his granny and grandad. She'd tried to explain it was for my DS, not for him, but (unsurprisingly) he didn't understand. The conversation continued: He likes unwrapping parcels! Don't think you are going to get this gift haha, he's determined to open it (video of him bashing the parcel on the floor) Oops he's ripped the paper... Aww it's a teddy bear! Photo of DN holding the teddy bear and crying because she was trying to take it away from him.

DH showed me the messages and I was so angry! Yes I know DN is only little and I know my DS is tiny and doesn't know if his gift has been opened, but AIBU to think SIL shouldn't have let DN play with the parcel at all, never mind open it! She should just have said firmly "No, that's for your cousin not for you" and removed it and put it away. Or not let him touch it in the first place!

She was obviously letting him play with the teddy and get it covered in snot and sticky fingers - she said don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off it before I drop it off, haha. Well my DS doesn't want a dirty second hand toy so I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". I'm now thinking that DN is going to grow up to be an obnoxious entitled little shit because he's never been told NO.

AIBU to send a thankyou card to SIL's husband's parents and add that unfortunately DS didn't receive the gift because DN opened it and wanted to keep it?

emmyrose From the OP: "she said don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off it before I drop it off, haha. Well my DS doesn't want a dirty second hand toy so I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". "

SIL was going to drop it off. OP told her DH to refuse the gift.

Any way in which this row spills back over SIL's ILs is lacking in grace or good manners (which yes, SIL also lacks...) and makes the OP look childish.

SO many people who like any bad situation to escalate. Stir it up and spread the ripples as far as possible.

Sil clearly did this on purpose as she sent video to you to wind you up. I would send thank you for kind thought note stating it was thoughtful gift but Sil let her child open and play with teddy making it sticky.

Spilling it back to the gifter is also a bit like saying 'please send another.' Honestly it's so so rude to spill it back to them.

Think about it, if you gave a new baby gift to a your ILs, ILs. How offended would you be to get tales of woe as a thankyou.
These are people the op has probably only met at SILs wedding or maybe at nephews birthday party.

SIL probably just thought it was cute and funny. She is entranced with her pfb and clearly expects everyone else to be.

She will recover some day. Just don't get dragged down into the family feud moral low ground.

I also think the judgemental tone about his (very normal toddler / 1 year old) behaviour may come home to roost when your own child does not behave like a perfect angel at all times!!

The OP isn't judging the toddler behaviour. She's judging the adult behaviour that entailed giving a one year old someone else's present, letting him open it and play with it and sending photos to the parent of the intended recipient to let them know what she'd done.

I'm assuming you haven't read the full thread. This is directed at the later comments made by OP that said DN should be sat nicely at meal times, shouldn't be banging toys on the table etc. perfectly normal toddler behaviours and ones OPs toddler will also do most likely.

Do we know if the bear can be washed? My DS was given a non washable soft bear (due to the light up face & electronics inside it). If it cannot, I can see why the OP didn't want the non clean toy.

Hermie12

THIS, exactly, Hermie, it stuck out a mile to me, even before finishing reading the post. She even took pictures, and kept them up-date. VERY strange behaviour indeed!

I'd be angry too and I also wouldn't want the used toy - yes I'd classify it as used.

I'd write thanking the parents and saying unfortunately we didn't actually get the present because insert child's name wanted it instead. I'd definitely say that as well in case they see their grandchild with it and think you didn't care, or worse in case this SIL, who sounds a little jealous and territorial, tells them you gave it to him.

So do the 'used toy' refusers chuck toys out if a visiting child plays with them?

Only a maniac would buy a bear with flashing lights and electronics for a newborn - but OP, if they DID send such a monstrosity, especially if it makes awful electronic noises then definitely use your SIL's actions as an excuse (however rude and ungrateful) to keep it out of your house!

I'm assuming you haven't read the full thread. This is directed at the later comments made by OP that said DN should be sat nicely at meal times, shouldn't be banging toys on the table etc. perfectly normal toddler behaviours and ones OPs toddler will also do most likely.

Er no. She's complaining about the SIL allowing and encouraging that behaviour when it's inappropriate, e.g. on a table that might get damaged.