To be annoyed at SIL letting her DS open my DS's gift?

[Flutist]

When we've been to dinner at SIL's house we met her husband's parents a few times. SIL drove down to visit them yesterday and they gave her a gift to pass on to our new DS who was born a couple of months ago.

Last night SIL was texting my DH and was saying that her son (age 1) was crying because he wasn't allowed to open the gift from his granny and grandad. She'd tried to explain it was for my DS, not for him, but (unsurprisingly) he didn't understand. The conversation continued: He likes unwrapping parcels! Don't think you are going to get this gift haha, he's determined to open it (video of him bashing the parcel on the floor) Oops he's ripped the paper... Aww it's a teddy bear! Photo of DN holding the teddy bear and crying because she was trying to take it away from him.

DH showed me the messages and I was so angry! Yes I know DN is only little and I know my DS is tiny and doesn't know if his gift has been opened, but AIBU to think SIL shouldn't have let DN play with the parcel at all, never mind open it! She should just have said firmly "No, that's for your cousin not for you" and removed it and put it away. Or not let him touch it in the first place!

She was obviously letting him play with the teddy and get it covered in snot and sticky fingers - she said don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off it before I drop it off, haha. Well my DS doesn't want a dirty second hand toy so I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". I'm now thinking that DN is going to grow up to be an obnoxious entitled little shit because he's never been told NO.

AIBU to send a thankyou card to SIL's husband's parents and add that unfortunately DS didn't receive the gift because DN opened it and wanted to keep it?

It's a tough one. If you don't tell them what happened, then they may keep passing presents via your SIL. If you do tell them it might create a rift between you and your SIL and potentially her parents.

Why would they keep passing presents?? Its their son's wifes nephew, no relation or proper connection to them. They are v unlikely to send anything else other than this "congratulations/new baby" gift.

A thank you very much for the thought/gift is fine, you are the one who told DN to keep it as it is perfectly fine for your DS and not "second hand", therefore you can't really get snippy about him having it.

Your SIL is a twat. I’d just back away from her. I don’t know how close you are but I’d only see her at family get togethers and then be ultra polite and nothing else.

If you do see her parents in the future make a point of letting them know what happened but don’t mention it deliberately in a thank you card as you will look a loon.

She sounds a bit obsessed with her own child and maybe a bit jealous of yours. I’d stay clear away.

I would be angry at SIL. That's not OK. She needs to grow a spine and learn how to set boundaries especially in other peoples homes. Otherwise that little boy is going to grow up to be a nightmare.

She shouldn’t have let him open it - boundaries and expectations start young.
However, you are over reacting

You sound even more ridiculous than she does

This is why a lot of kids are such brats these days. Instead of saying no in the first instance and persevering and just riding the tantrum out, she gave in.

Then I think it’s exceptionally cruel to let him open it and then hold the teddy bear, then take it off him!!! That’s 10x worse than just not letting him have it at all!!!

I wouldn't write that note, it seems really spiteful. However you didnt recieve a gift - so no note necessary. I think your SIL is out of order. I wouldnt send a note and then let them ask SIL about it. See if she tells the truth. If she doesnt then wait until you next meet up and explain you didnt get a gift as SIL let me little one open it and they have it.

"I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". I'm now thinking that DN is going to grow up to be an obnoxious entitled little shit because he's never been told NO.

AIBU to send a thank you card to SIL's husband's parents and add that unfortunately DS didn't receive the gift because DN opened it and wanted to keep it?"

Do not do any of these things.
Yes, SIL is irritating in letting her DS run amok and giving in to him all the time, but it isn't really your business how she parents and you are letting your view of your SIL colour your reactions.

To text that and then passive-aggressively let the other parents know that you had declined the gift because of SIL would be a horrible thing to do. Look very precious, stirring, quite rude and spoil their generosity.

You have no reason to believe that the bear is sticky / covered in snot and are being very precious. I can't believe that you would actually tell the parents that you didn't keep the gift. Really unpleasant, whatever you think of SIL's parenting.

I get drawn into this sort of crap as well. It always pays to remember

1. your baby will have enough toys and doesn't need/want the bear
2. DN behaviour is not and never will be your problem.
3. it's best to take the high road with your partners family - smile, say nothing, smile more and learn stock phrases.

I had this with another family member and my DC now refuse to spend time in their childs company. They are making a rod for their own back, not yours.

Your SIL is an irritating twit who appears to be headed down the path of catering to her DS's wants. This has disaster written all over it for the long term.

I would make him give up the bear. It's not his. It wasn't meant for him. And his mother has done him no favours. She needs to rethink her parenting approach.

Your sil should replace this gift with an identical one that her DS was allowed to destroy. She's an idiot. Not sure I would tell the people who gave the present though. As it would cause upset. I wouldn't want too much to do with such a person and you should let her know how you feel.

I would just make a mental note to make time with SIL adult only occasions or in her home.

I find spending time around parents who can't say no to their children stressful when it's in my home and embarrassing when it's in public. It's a lot easier in their home because there's no audience and it's their own belongings they are damaging.

Unless she gets a grip, it will get worse because he'll grow up knowing that all he has to do is threaten to kick off and she'll let him have what he wants.

if your kid kicks off when you are visiting sometimes you just do whatever you need to to shut them

Only if you want them to know that kicking off when you're visiting is a great way to get what you want.

Saying no to children really is OK. It's much harder for children when suddenly other adults start saying it and they don't have any skills or experience to draw on apart from kicking off.

I'd politely tell them so this doesn't keep happening. SIL either isn't happy to the the messenger of these gifts and/or doesn't like HER relatives buying toys for her partners siblings child because HER BABY is THEIRS.

The fact she didn't take ot off him, hide it or at least rewrap it and lie makes it look like she's stirring so yanbu to be wound up ny her trying to wind you up

Yes, of course you should thank your PILs and tell them that your SIL got the present for her own child. What a fucking idiot (your SIL, I mean!)

She did it on purpose because she didn't want you to have it. Can't see any other rational explanation. I wouldn't upset the husband's parents by dragging them into it but I think you and DH need to be having words with SIL about her behaviour.

Actually, thinking about it a bit more - if they go to SILs house and see the toy and mention it she might just say that you didn't want it or gave them it, which would make you look really ungrateful. So maybe you do need to go with what you said and let them know.

Frankly I think it is your DH that should be having a word with his sister about this. It’s his relative, he should be the one to tell her she’s behaved like a knob.

I also think your DH should be the one to tell his parents that his sister sent you both a video of her letting her son open your child’s gift from them. And that you’ve let DN keep it because you then didn’t want to upset him by taking it away after she’s already let him play with it (he shouldn’t say that she just kept it, as you technically told her to keep it, she didn’t ask to keep it).

But I think your DH needs to be dealing with this, not you.

"The fact she didn't take ot off him, hide it or at least rewrap it and lie makes it look like she's stirring so yanbu to be wound up ny her trying to wind you up"

Nah, she probably didn't think anything much of it.

1 year old messes with wrapping and toy "like they do", babies don't care (they don't) and she is all pfb so doesn't see her child playing with a toy as damaging it (and really, he probably didn't). She thinks it's funny, OP is amplifying it. The truth is somewhere in the middle. IMO.

Don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off if it, she may as well have dropped it in dog shit, that's what she wanted it too look like.

Like hell ide take it sorry op, passive aggressive bollocks from sil

It was kind and generous of her family to give your baby a gift!

Wait a year until your baby is a one year-old and see how you feel. See if you still think dn is spoiled or if you understand that at age one, battles are chosen by degree of parents' fatigue and child's as well.

Fwiw I got angry at mil for giving ds a bunny with a bow that he "could strangle himself with"...If he were a wiggling dachuond, not a round headed baby.

Please do not write a rude note. You probably have several toys, won't miss this one, but you WILL miss the kindness and good wishes of all and her parents by being snarky. I don't think that it is ever a good idea to tell a grandparent that their dgc is a stinky child when they are simply acting their age.

And NO, excitement over a present isn't unreasonable or spoiled, it was exceptionally nice of them to send along a gift and it is normal for your dn (sounds like you consider him more "n" than "dn") to not understand sharing HIS grandparents or a gift.

When in doubt, be kind.

@Runawaycat i thought the same thing about only female and first grandchild. GOOD LUCK OP! She sounds lovely

I think it’s a shame this happened and you’re right to think it could’ve been avoided.

However, this is your nephew and you sound like you seriously dislike him!! I also think the judgemental tone about his (very normal toddler / 1 year old) behaviour may come home to roost when your own child does not behave like a perfect angel at all times!! Which, he won’t! Trust me!

The problem is, if you don't tell your PIL about it they might see him playing with the toy at his house and may assume that you gave it to DN because you didn't like/want it, which in itself could cause problems.
I'd send a letter to say thanks, but mention that SIL allowed DN to open it at her house and you don't have the heart to take it off him as his mum said he became very upset at the thought of losing it, but that you really appreciate the thought.

YANBU That is really odd behaviour. It doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things for your child because they wont realise its been opened... however I would nip this in the bud early on. It was a very stupid thing for your SIL to do and so I would flag up with the GPs not to hand gifts for your child to her again as she allows her child to open them which may cause issues once your child is older.

Theres no way idve let my one year old open a gift for someone else. At that age its easy to distract them with something else and you really should do because things are not going to go well for you if you allow your child to grow up thinking every gift they see is for them.