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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL letting her DS open my DS's gift?

160 replies

Flutist · 29/04/2018 11:11

When we've been to dinner at SIL's house we met her husband's parents a few times. SIL drove down to visit them yesterday and they gave her a gift to pass on to our new DS who was born a couple of months ago.

Last night SIL was texting my DH and was saying that her son (age 1) was crying because he wasn't allowed to open the gift from his granny and grandad. She'd tried to explain it was for my DS, not for him, but (unsurprisingly) he didn't understand. The conversation continued: He likes unwrapping parcels! Don't think you are going to get this gift haha, he's determined to open it (video of him bashing the parcel on the floor) Oops he's ripped the paper... Aww it's a teddy bear! Photo of DN holding the teddy bear and crying because she was trying to take it away from him.

DH showed me the messages and I was so angry! Yes I know DN is only little and I know my DS is tiny and doesn't know if his gift has been opened, but AIBU to think SIL shouldn't have let DN play with the parcel at all, never mind open it! She should just have said firmly "No, that's for your cousin not for you" and removed it and put it away. Or not let him touch it in the first place!

She was obviously letting him play with the teddy and get it covered in snot and sticky fingers - she said don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off it before I drop it off, haha. Well my DS doesn't want a dirty second hand toy so I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". I'm now thinking that DN is going to grow up to be an obnoxious entitled little shit because he's never been told NO.

AIBU to send a thankyou card to SIL's husband's parents and add that unfortunately DS didn't receive the gift because DN opened it and wanted to keep it?

OP posts:
Cawfee · 29/04/2018 12:31

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP. Your SIL should have just done some basic parenting. It’s not hard. Take the gift, put it in a bag, don’t let her kid see or touch it. That gift was for your child. She’s got no right to behave like that and she needs to get a grip quickly and grow up or she’s going to have few friends amongst other mums if she continues with that entitled behaviour. She sounds immature and like a prat. don’t get upset but don’t indulge her. Send the card to the gift givers saying simply “thank you for the lovely gift. Very thoughtful. Unfortunately we didn’t receive it as SIL gave it to her child but I just wanted to let you know that we really appreciate the gesture” if you don’t send a thank you then you’ll be seen as ungrateful so hang her out to dry.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/04/2018 12:31

@AppleFlapjack - @Flutist said that the SIL in question is her dh's sister, so definitely related to him!

"He's DH's sister's son"

From the examples you have given, @Flutist, it does sound as if she does not want to tell her child 'No', even when that means him either having things he shouldn't (your son's present) or things he might break, or doing things that are antisocial and unsafe (running around in restaurants). No child learns the social skills of behaving nicely in public, or of realising that they can't have everything they want, especially when it belongs to someone else - and your SIL and her dh should be teaching these skills - and yes, sometimes that means that the child will have a tantrum, but it is the parents' job to face that and manage it, so that the child learns how to behave nicely.

Original poster
Flutist · 29/04/2018 12:32

A 1 year old banging toys, eho would gave thought it

Some people have expensive furniture and don't let children bang on it. They can bang on the dining table and the floor all they want, or on the furniture in their own room. But not on my mahogany coffee table. I don't think it's vile to expect children (and parents) to have some respect for nice items in the home.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/04/2018 12:33

Can upu send a message to the goft givers saying: I think you left spmething for our DS, thank you bery much. What was it though, we’re not sure as SIL let DN open it amd keep it?

Original poster
Flutist · 29/04/2018 12:37

No child learns the social skills of behaving nicely in public, or of realising that they can't have everything they want, especially when it belongs to someone else - and your SIL and her dh should be teaching these skills
I'm not mad at DN. He's only little. But I am mad at SIL and I can foresee bigger problems with DN as he grows up without ever having been told No.

It would be rude not to thank the people who sent the gift. I will probably just say thanks, unfortunately DN opened it and didn't have the heart to take it off him when he was playing with it.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/04/2018 12:43

I didn't think you were cross with your DN - I was saying that his behaviour is down to his parents, and they should be parenting him more effectively.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/04/2018 12:45

SIL was ridiculous but it's a very trivial situation. Don't make it into a drama. Your child doesn't know any different and DN is only a baby.
Btw your are also being idiotic about second hand etc.

CindyLouWhoo · 29/04/2018 12:50

I think sending a message like PP suggested is fine but I think you're in for a rude awakening when your baby gets older. No 1 year old is going to understand how precious your coffee table is. I can't think of anyone who would mind a baby banging a toy on a coffee table. Might be best to move it before your son gets older or a lot worse is going to happen to it.

Collaborate · 29/04/2018 12:52

Tell her she can keep it and it can stand as your present to her son on his 2nd birthday, at which point you'll get your child a replacement toy.

turtletime · 29/04/2018 12:54

I don't think it factually accurate to say that your ds didn't receive the gift, you chose not to take it. So I wouldn't word it in that way.

CloudCaptain · 29/04/2018 12:56

Some weird parenting going on here. Both mine were taught not to bang on the TV. Because you know. Same with an expensive coffee table. They could bang on the sofa or own toys.
I think the above suggested note to pil would be appropriate. Also a firm but smiley word with Sil may be needed to set boundaries in your own home.

catattack123 · 29/04/2018 12:58

It sounds like the sil wanted to see what was in the present so let her dc open it. Maybe a little jealousy that her DC didn't get a present too! I think the note is a little much though!

viques · 29/04/2018 13:07

I think you and Sil make a dream team.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/04/2018 13:09

Or course he wanted to open it if he was allowed to have it to hold!

I'd want to open a gift and know what's inside of it but can obviously understand not to! - and I'm 37 Grin

AppleFlapjack · 29/04/2018 13:11

SDT I meant the couple that gave the gift aren't related to OP or her husband, they are SILs husband's parents. As in they are highly unlikely to give further gifts in future or have much contact with the baby other than a thoughtful new baby teddy.

BarbarianMum · 29/04/2018 13:12

A 1 year who can't sit nicely at the table thorough a restaurant meal. How usual. Hmm

bimbobaggins · 29/04/2018 13:14

tammy. You say you were upset and taken aback that the parents said nothing but did you say nothing at the time either?

PositivelyPERF · 29/04/2018 13:28

I would send a note thanking the parents and saying that, from what you can see from the video that your sil has sent you of her little boy playing with it, it’s a lovely teddy and you’re looking forward to getting. 😉

Juells · 29/04/2018 13:36

Why on earth would she video it? I wonder if she has issues with her PiL and this was spite towards them, as well as towards you? She got a good dig at them and you with what she did, two birds with one stone. She probably thinks you have a poker up your ass because you take your breakables away from her precious little boy 😅

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 13:37

I’d hang sil out to dry definitely. Saying you didn’t have the heart to take it from dn isn’t factually incorrect.

As for running around a restaurant. That’s normal behaviour. Not that I’m saying it’s acceptable for safety reasons. Some children are more vivacious and have far more energy than others. I doubt you were comparing the behaviour of dn with another child of the same age.

Urubu · 29/04/2018 13:42

asy to say you’d say no but if your kid kicks off when you are visiting sometimes you just do whatever you need to to shut them up
Err, no you don't Hmm

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 29/04/2018 13:43

Some children are more vivacious and have far more energy than others.

Coincidentally these always seem to be the ones with permissive parents. Even ‘vivacious’ children can be taught about the appropriateness of different contexts.

Idontdowindows · 29/04/2018 13:44

Basically what PERF said. Send the PILs that message.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 13:52

Skinnyboney
That may be your experience and in certain instances I’m sure you’re right. However that’s too much of a generalisation. My dd has inordinate amounts of energy in relation to her peers. She does a sporting activity almost every day. Whilst her friends are flagging, she’s ready for the next thing. It’s not true that these kids always have permissive parents.

viques · 29/04/2018 13:53

Makes note to remember to use "vivacious"

Head on one side, sweet understanding smile "Gosh , he's so vivacious isn't he? No,honestly, I wasn't going to eat the rest of my cake and anyway I had drunk nearly half the coffee, and it's an old cardigan and I'm sure the stain will come out "