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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL letting her DS open my DS's gift?

160 replies

Flutist · 29/04/2018 11:11

When we've been to dinner at SIL's house we met her husband's parents a few times. SIL drove down to visit them yesterday and they gave her a gift to pass on to our new DS who was born a couple of months ago.

Last night SIL was texting my DH and was saying that her son (age 1) was crying because he wasn't allowed to open the gift from his granny and grandad. She'd tried to explain it was for my DS, not for him, but (unsurprisingly) he didn't understand. The conversation continued: He likes unwrapping parcels! Don't think you are going to get this gift haha, he's determined to open it (video of him bashing the parcel on the floor) Oops he's ripped the paper... Aww it's a teddy bear! Photo of DN holding the teddy bear and crying because she was trying to take it away from him.

DH showed me the messages and I was so angry! Yes I know DN is only little and I know my DS is tiny and doesn't know if his gift has been opened, but AIBU to think SIL shouldn't have let DN play with the parcel at all, never mind open it! She should just have said firmly "No, that's for your cousin not for you" and removed it and put it away. Or not let him touch it in the first place!

She was obviously letting him play with the teddy and get it covered in snot and sticky fingers - she said don't worry I'll wipe the crumbs off it before I drop it off, haha. Well my DS doesn't want a dirty second hand toy so I told DH to text "let him keep it, DS has loads of toys". I'm now thinking that DN is going to grow up to be an obnoxious entitled little shit because he's never been told NO.

AIBU to send a thankyou card to SIL's husband's parents and add that unfortunately DS didn't receive the gift because DN opened it and wanted to keep it?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 30/04/2018 22:39

I also think the judgemental tone about his (very normal toddler / 1 year old) behaviour may come home to roost when your own child does not behave like a perfect angel at all times!!

The OP isn't judging the toddler behaviour. She's judging the adult behaviour that entailed giving a one year old someone else's present, letting him open it and play with it and sending photos to the parent of the intended recipient to let them know what she'd done.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2018 00:38

Nah, she probably didn't think anything much of it.
Not convinced most people wouldn't oboe it's rude to let your child open a present for someone else's child especially if you know its a present your child will like.

Def write to say thank you, you'd seen it but as beige had opened it before it got to you blah blah blah before she passive aggressively suggests you have it her because you didn't want it

windermerebell · 01/05/2018 02:34

My nephew was allowed to open other family members presents, he was allowed to run around restaurants and so whatever else he wanted. He is now 12 and is the most entitled and rude boy I have ever met. Don’t blame him though I blame my SIL

AhoyDelBoy · 01/05/2018 03:51

Seriously irritated by all the PP's who think this was a gift from SIL's parents, so OP's IL's! It was a gift from SIL's IL's who sound very lovely and thoughtful. SIL sounds like a right pain. Thank the gift givers (SIL's IL's), some good suggestions above!

emmyrose2000 · 01/05/2018 05:37

This is not the fault of your DN but SIL has behaved badly. She needs to teach her son that he can't always have or do everything he wants. It was poor parenting. She should have removed it from his sight and from his grasp with a firm no and had the guts to deal with any ensuing meltdown. I would send a note to say: thank you for the lovely thought. DS didn't actually end up with the teddy as DN was allowed to open it at his house and when I saw the video SIL sent of him playing with it, it didn't seem fair on him to ask for it back after he had been given permission to open and play with it. DN wouldn't have understood why, so he has kept the teddy but thanks so much again for what was a really kind thought

Totally agree.

Of course PIL have to know the truth. If they see the toy at DN's house they could assume the OP gave it to him as she didn't want it. That could cause all sorts of problems on its own. From now I'd ask PIL not to send anything at all via SIL as obviously she can't be trusted, and to just hold onto things until they see you/DH in person.

There is no reason to cover up SIL's despicable behaviour. She sounds like a very poor parent if she can't/won't stop a one year old from having something.

emmyrose2000 · 01/05/2018 05:39

I also think the judgemental tone about his (very normal toddler / 1 year old) behaviour may come home to roost when your own child does not behave like a perfect angel at all times!!

It's not DN who behaved badly here, but his mother! She's well old enough to know right from wrong, but she chose to make the wrong decisions anyway.

ScrubTheDecks · 01/05/2018 07:04

emmyrose2000 The only reason the present hasn’t been passed on is because the OP DOESN’T want it. She had a hissy fit because her baby’s cousin had held the bear.

The SIL hasn’t behaved well but if I were her parents I would think the OP rude, passive aggressive and incredibly childish if they explained what had happened. The whining and telling tales to me being a big part of it.

No grace or manners whatsoever.

OP, accept the bear, put it in the wash, send a Thank you note.

Pandora1box · 01/05/2018 07:22

I agree your SIL sounds like an idiot. I definitely wouldn't send the note though - you won't come out looking good by doing that.

AvoidingDM · 01/05/2018 07:49

Sil was daft not putting it in a cupboard.
Your being daft saying you don't want it.

You'd be extremely daft to tell her very thoughtful ILs about how daft you both are.

Get the teddy, stick it in the wash, and send a note saying how grateful you are.

It's highly unlikely that your husbands, sister's husbands parents are going to send more gifts. Don't make them feel shit about trusting their DIL to pass it on untouched.

Mammyofasuperbaby · 01/05/2018 09:11

I'd take the bear and wash it. Don't tell your Sils in-laws but thank them for the lovely gift. However I would be having words with Sil about her behaviour. It's not on, her child is not entitled to do as he pleases with other people's property. Yes he's a baby and doesn't know better but she does.
If she is ever asked to pass on presents on again by anyone I have a feeling your child will never receive them

AddictiveCereal · 01/05/2018 10:22

If you sent a note to the in-law's parents moaning about not getting the gift they'll just think you're a bit odd for having made such an issue out of it.

gordan · 01/05/2018 11:02

You’re sil has no manners and was rubbing it in your face. That gift was clearly for your baby And to let her son play with it and give it to u was making some sort of point thT her baby comes first. Washed or not it’s just not on. You are right with the note. But also tell grandparents that you’d like the presents sent to you direct as u dint have the heart to take back any presents from dn.

emmyrose2000 · 01/05/2018 11:07

ScrubTheDecks The reason the bear hasn't been passed on is because SIL commandeered it for her own child. This is not the OP's fault in any way. She is not obliged a gift that has now been dirtied by someone else.

No grace or manners whatsoever
That describes the SIL perfectly.

emmyrose2000 · 01/05/2018 11:09

*obliged to accept a gift

emmyrose2000 · 01/05/2018 11:11

If I gave a present to someone to pass onto a third party, and the person in the middle effectively stole it for themselves, I'd want to know about it. There's no excuse for doing that.

craigglen · 01/05/2018 11:24

It's not the end of the world. Your comments about your 1 year old nephew weren't very nice at all, although I thought what your SIL did was bizarre and she should never have let the child have the parcel.

Don't even think of sending a note like you suggest to her parents. Just send a thank you note, file the memory of this away under 'bat shit crazy SIL' and move on.

AvoidingDM · 01/05/2018 11:51

Gordan the people who sent the gift are not related to the child. It's the babys cousins other granny, unlikely to send any future gifts to Ops child.

So somebody who the Op probably hardly knows never mind send a snotty letter to complaining about there son & DIL.

bananaramasllama · 01/05/2018 12:00

OP, YANBU!

She videoed your DN opening a present for your DS then said she'd wash the crumbs off?! Human equivalent of pissing to mark your territory no? I'd be annoyed. And no, I wouldn't want a manky, gobbed on teddy for my newborn. Totally disagree with PP says it sounds entitled. It isn't.

The examples of permissive parenting aren't great. DSIL sounds like pita

bananaramasllama · 01/05/2018 12:00

To add - the note is too much. Just say thank you. Calling her out to her own parents isn't likely to do much good

Idontdowindows · 01/05/2018 12:03

Thing is, if you don't tell them, they might think you didn't want the gift and snubbed them.

"Thank you for the lovely gift. opened it up and he loved it so much that we couldn't bear to take it from him.

diddl · 01/05/2018 12:11

I'd expolain to them-otherwise won't they be wondering why their GC has the teddy & not Op's baby?

nocturnalnightmare · 01/05/2018 12:33

Seriously irritated by all the PP's who think this was a gift from SIL's parents, so OP's IL's! It was a gift from SIL's IL's
This is annoying me almost as much as the crazy sil. Don't people read the op post?

Whisperquietly · 01/05/2018 12:48

What was SIL’s response to text telling her to keep teddy?

Jamiefraserskilt · 01/05/2018 13:23

Nope, not on. Send the note.
This child needs boundaries. Fast.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 13:44

Sending the note would make you look like a dick.

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