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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about this

165 replies

Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 06:19

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 28/04/2018 06:24

Yanbu at all
Do you have anyone who could help with the baby today whilst you get some rest ?

lindyhopy · 28/04/2018 06:24

YANBU is this something that happens regularly? Has he done cocaine in the past?

Rainagain1 · 28/04/2018 06:26

Urgh I really feel for you. My husband can be a fucking liability when drinking and it annoys the hell out of me.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2018 06:26

I would be furious

Mouseville65 · 28/04/2018 06:30

If my DP stayed out all night without giving me an explanation at the time we would be over. Also you can order cocaine testing kits on amazon on next day delivery and it stays in the system for three days so there's a very easy way to find out if he was using drugs. I hope you are ok and have family/friends that can support you.

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 06:32

He used to do cocain quite a bit but hasn’t for quite some time, I wouldn’t get serious with him or start a family unless he stopped. He slipped up once when I was pregnant and I told him he had to go see someone about it, which he did, and if he does it again I’d leave with the baby as I won’t have it around her. Tbh it’s something I’m still insecure about, hence me asking.

I’m sure my mum or sister would watch her for me for a couple of hours but that makes me angry because she should be spending time with her dad!

OP posts:
drinkingwinefeelingfine · 28/04/2018 06:37

Sorry but I'd be done with this relationship. He's immature and unreliable.

TellyCushion · 28/04/2018 06:43

You have a 16 week old baby together. It would be crazy to end your relationship over a night out. You are not entitled to anger.

Mouseville65 · 28/04/2018 06:49

@TellyCushion what is crazy is spending your life with someone who lies to you and doesn't put you and your child first! All this 'stay for the kids' shite is ... well shite. He could be anywhere doing anything whilst the poor OP has been up all night worrying sick - this is NOT how you treat someone you love!

tortelliniforever · 28/04/2018 06:50

You are not entitled to anger????

summerinthecountry · 28/04/2018 06:54

tellycushion

Yes they have a sixteen week old baby, which is exactly why op does not want a drunk and drugged up man around him/her.

Op, this is totally unacceptable.

He has let you down because you agreed he would care for the baby today to give you a rest, there is no chance of that now. Secondly almost certainly he is high, and has been out all night. Lastly he has promised you that he won't do it again, but he has. How can you trust him?

I could not have this in my life with a young baby, so I am inclined to agree with the other posts that the relationship would be over.

This isn't about one night out, this is about a lack of respect, trust and boundaries.

AllStar14 · 28/04/2018 06:56

Yanbu. A night out is fine, but he had already agreed to get up early with the baby so you could rest and that obviously won't be happening now. I would feel extremely let down in your situation.

Lmj25 · 28/04/2018 06:58

I've been through this I'd be packing his things x

Pengggwn · 28/04/2018 07:03

With drugs, it's always the half-arsed lies that give it away, isn't it? Oh, I've snuck out of the pub to buy drugs and we're in the pub at 2am in my mate's house, taking drugs and his girlfriend is there so of course we aren't snorting coke

ittakes2 · 28/04/2018 07:06

My husband had great form for doing this at the start of our relationship. Used to drive me insane. I did similar - made him go to a therapist before I agreed to marry him so we could assess if he had some sort of issue. Stress made him almost try and lose himself in drink etc on nights out and he would drink so much he would be a mess. I had no problem with him going - just wanted a text like you if he was staying out late. It’s like once he started drinking a switch would flip and then he couldn’t stop. He was much better when we married but then we had children and it got worse for a while - the extra stress and I guess he found it harder to bond with small babies. I ended up deciding if he was going for a drink he was not allowed to come home that night - because I used to be sick with worry - so he had to stay at his brothers who was someone who he often drunk with. Funny enough that got boring for him and he wasn’t super keen on the idea I was saying he had to stay out all night! He doesn’t really do it anymore. I think he learned better ways to manage his stress plus he finally got my message about how I don’t mind him going out - I just can’t handle the stress of him telling me he’ll be back before 10am and then me waking up at 3am wondering if he was ok. I’m not sure what you can do though - sounds like he needs an outlet for his stress but it’s not fair on you he’s leaving all the baby care to you. Maybe he can schedule in some nights out to get it out of his system? And you of course need some scheduled nights out too.

notsohippychick · 28/04/2018 07:10

Hell yeah id be angry! You must be shattered!

This is not normal and it’s not ok. He’s clearly slipped up. Time for a think OP. If he can’t go out for a few beers without turning it into an all nighter when he has responsibilities there is a problem.

Keep us posted lovely.

RLOU88 · 28/04/2018 07:17

Ashamed to say I used to lie to my partner and have nights out like these when cocaine was involved. Sounds identical. Not picking up the phone, coming home but then stopping off at a mates until all hours. I don’t know how he put up with me.
I don’t know what to suggest as he knows how much it bothers you and with a 16 week old baby girl at home, that truly takes the piss. I’m sorry for you x

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 07:19

Marriage doesn't change people.

araiwa · 28/04/2018 07:20

I never get this kind of behaviour. Being worried/controlling about someone on a night out. Receiving constant texts and calls and ringing friends to check up on me if im out does not go down well

My only rule is dont wake me up whenever you come in and if we have already made plans for tomorrow, theyre going ahead regardless of your sorry state

HoneyJamMarmalade · 28/04/2018 07:25

If you could camp out somewhere today with the baby I would.

Don't contact him and let him ring/text you and don't reply and don't answer.

Whoever you are staying with needs to lie and tell him you aren't there, even if this means parking your car in a different street so he can't rumble you.

He needs to know how this feels.

His behaviour is immature.

swingofthings · 28/04/2018 07:25

If it's a one off, let him know that you were not impressed with his selfish behaviour and then let it go. If it's one issue amongst others, or a common recurrence, that's another matter.

Wisdens · 28/04/2018 07:31

If you could camp out somewhere today with the baby I would

[......]

His behaviour is immature

And of course tit for tat is so mature......

ShellyBoobs · 28/04/2018 07:34

Marriage doesn't change people.

This. He's a prick. He will always be a prick.

I will never understand why people think it's a good idea to have children with arseholes like this. They are never going to be good fathers. They don't want the responsibility and don't care about anyone but themselves.

Get away from him as fast as you can.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/04/2018 07:34

Op do not let anyone tell you that "You are not entitled to anger".
You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they are. No person gets to tell you how you should feel. With a baby in the mix, the cocaine would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

SemperIdem · 28/04/2018 07:39

I’d be furious!

Totally fine for him to go out for a couple of drinks. All his behaviour thereafter is absolutely not ok. He’s a selfish, immature man child.

Hope you’re ok op