AIBU to be angry about this

[Angrymuma]

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

RLOU88

They wouldn't need to lie if their partner didn't have a massive problem with it and text/called throughout the entire night. I'm pretty sure he was lying for an easier life - it is possible that people just want to have a occasional blow out.

Why is taking drugs when you have children any different to drinking? Just because she they are illegal doesn't mean they are more dangerous.

isaid

I didn't realise the only way you could 'know' about drugs was if you used them yourself!! What an absolute crock!

He's been CAUGHT a couple of times, that does not mean he's only done it a couple of times - it would be naive and gullible to believe that. It would be a failure as a parent to just take his word for it that that is the case - he's probably lying, that's what people who use drugs do, on the whole.

And what an incredibly apt demonstration of the utter denial and selfishness of those that do use drugs who do not have the capacity within themselves to really want to stop or realise it's now time to stop, that the only opinions and observations that are pertinent are those from drug users who 'know' what it's all about. BULLSHIT. The first time you use cocaine, seconds later your brain wants more - that's chemical and biological fact.

I happen to have never done coke, it's never interested me, I didn't move in circles where people did it - it was both luck and a choice. But let me tell you, being on the receiving end of living with someone who just couldn't give it up was the most utter waste of my life and my time that I would dearly hope we can help OP avoid because of our experiences.

Addiction, drug use, binge drinking, whatever, affects whole families, not just the person abusing the substance - otherwise why would S/S be bothered by drug users living in families with children?!

It's different because it's against the law?

Because it being illegal is the whole point. Most people don't want their children raised in an environment where illegal activities are normalised.

I was saying we cannot just assume he is lying! Just as you were saying we cannot assume he was not. My point was i wouldn't suggest the OP leaves her relationship based on the current facts.

I personally don't think this behaviour is as uncommon as people on here would think - but you aren't going to get people putting their head above the parapet and admitting that on here.

Nobody has said it's uncommon. Disgusting and shit parenting, yes. Uncommon, unfortunately, no.

Why is taking drugs when you have children any different to drinking? Just because she they are illegal doesn't mean they are more dangerous.

Because of course you know exactly what you're getting when you buy street drugs, no chance of it being cut with something dodgy, or of you misjudging purity and inadvertently OD'ing Of course its more dangerous! And that's before you even get into the sort of people you have to associate with to get them, and of course the risk of arrest and the impact that could have on your family, employment etc. I'm an ex-recreational user so this doesn't come from someone naive about drugs btw, it is however incredibly naive to think illegal drugs are no more dangerous than alcohol.

Alcohol, and the resulting behaviour of people who drink it cause far, far more deaths than drugs. Including deaths of innocent bystanders. Hence the argument to legalise drugs.

It is actually pretty rare to see deaths as a result of drugs being cut dangerously, especially now testing kits are commonly used.

Police also have far better things to do than arrest occasional recreational users.

I'm not really trying to get into an argument condoning this guys behaviour by the way I just think the majority of replies are very extreme.

I'd wager a bet you know many more occasional drug users than you'd think. You'd just never know it!

What about the deaths caused by its production, transport and distribution?
I remember reading this just the other week.
www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/london-murder-spike-fuelled-by-mcmafia-drug-barons-shifting-tonnes-of-cocaine-mp-david-lammy-says-a3804681.html

Users like to pretend they aren't hurting anyone but they really are.

Yes well another reason as why they should perhaps be made legal!

This is obviously the bigger picture though - the morals of taking drugs is quite a separate and interesting debate but those issues weren't really part of the OPs quandary.

"but those issues weren't really part of the OPs quandary."

Right, so stop detailing the thread.

I guess for those of us who experienced drug use 2nd hand from the 'victim' standpoint (unwilling bystanders if you will) our experience (and certainly the mentality and attitude of people who are addicted) is that they lie and lie and lie and are in complete denial about how in control of their use they are. As you rightly point out that some may be using it but we don't know, it's not a great leap to say that being found using it twice probably means he's used it double or triple that. It could be either a total and complete lack of maturity, or he's addicted, or both.

At what point using it frequently changes to addict I'm honestly not sure, simply put it's where it starts affecting your family life, breaking your relationship, preventing you spending time with your children, affecting your work - and you can't see the harm, then it's a problem and the label doesn't matter. So addict or not, it's a problem in this relationship.

And the other reason it's worse of course is that if SS see it as worse, then it's worse in terms of those potential consequences.

The future with someone who has become addicted is not pleasant. The times my XP was twitching for it (didn't necessarily initially know that's what it was) and took me and the kids out somewhere eg to a restaurant then left us high and dry because he needed to score? He was VILE when he was like that. Or, when he was on it and totally off his head and smashed up my home 3 times? Welcome to your possible future if he gets more and more into it. The unpredictable moods and weird behaviours. Awful.

So for those that mocked me for saying cocaine on the coffee table like it was a fanciful dramatisation, it wasn't, it happened and it could happen to anyone if they get sucked into that world and can't get out. So, you can only conclude from that the SS can't be wrong in thinking it more dangerous - is the dregs of a bottle of beer had been drunk by my DD age 5 she'd likely be perfectly alright, if she'd licked the cocaine off her fingers, would she still be here?? I don't need and no one else like me needs to make stuff up about this. The reality (or future reality) is all too awful just on its own.

@isaidiwastired How is taking cocaine a couple of times mean he's going to become an addict?! Sorry OP but I think you are getting some shoddy advise from people who are very naive and have probably never taken drugs

His behaviours are not of someone who has only taken it a couple of times, I've never done drugs but have spent the past year dealing with the fallout of my brother's life after he lost his home, wife and kids for a habit he claimed was "occasional and bit that bad" He said all the same bollocks as the OP has said her partner has said, just because we don't all agree with you doesn't mean we don't know what we are talking about.

Parenting in a relationship is a partnership. It sounds like you're doing your half but your DP is lying and being dishonest with you. If you break up, your DD will only "be from a broken home" if you call it that, in my experience it's quite an outdated term. There are lots of single parents doing an amazing job parenting on their own. There are also lots of people in relationships with a partner who isn't putting in their fair share. Changing nappies and reading stories doesn't make up for being dishonest and treating you like a mug. You've already got 1 child, do you need another?

Granted, benefits when you're out of work aren't great but it does make leaving your current situation. My rent is £105 per week. When I first had DS, benefits covered all of my rent and Council tax; £112 SMP; £60 tax credits and £20 child benefit and then when he got older and maternity leave finished, SMP changed to £70 per week Income Support. When I started work and had to use a nursery, working over 16 hours meant that I could also claim 70% of my childcare costs back through working tax credits. Please do look into all of your options before resigning yourself to a life living as a disrespected doormat.

I think your options are to choose the single life where your baby isn’t near a drug user, or a life where you stay with a drug user, whilst putting your baby at risk.
I don’t want to scare you, but a friend of mine repeatedly took back her cocaine addicted boyfriend, and whilst trying to stop he lost his temper, the baby wouldn't stop crying and he threw her. It was out of character, but drugs change a person and coming off them makes people unpredictable at the best of times.
I will never forget how hysterical my friend was when she called me.
I hope you make the right decision by your daughter OP and don't take him back.

You deserve more. Life is precious- dont waste it on someone who doesn’t respect you.

Meh. Was just offering up an alternative viewpoint! No one really knows all the details here or the people in question so i wasn't in agreement with the sweeping generalisations and assumptions based on personal experiences.

He's an adult. He's entitled to a life. Men taking longer to understand what it means to be a parent. Behaving like you're his mother will not endear you to him, or encourage him to change.

I can appreciate that his behaviour has made you worried and upset, and it's not on if he has promised to look after the baby for you this morning. But this situation needs to be resolved from a place of calmness with open and honest conversation, not emotional blackmail or anger.

Lock him out the house. This has happened to me before you have every right to be pissed off😤 have serious words once you’ve let him in( give it at least a night) and let him know you aren’t carrying on like this enless he changes. Say something like ‘I think it’s best if you stay with (cocaine friend and gf) for a bit seeing as you love it there so much! Get your bags packed and think about what you want because I don’t want this!’ - if he thinks your serious about ending it hopefully he will change and realise he can’t carry on like this. X

This sort of behaviour is unacceptable and shows a complete lack of respect for You and your child.
Sounds like he needs t to do some serious soul searching and growing up.....preferably away from you.
He needs to get himself sorted or you will have two babies, just one will look like an adult. You and baby deserve better and if you don't have it, go it alone. Good luck

I'm afraid that in the OP's shoes I'd be thinking he moved out without putting up a fight because he's on a bender, and it's made it easier for him :(

" He's an adult. He's entitled to a life"
lol
where to begin