AIBU to be angry about this

[Angrymuma]

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

I wouldn't bother bauble. Maybe it's Joanna Lumley...

When he called you at 10.30 to say he’d snuck out of the pub to come home, you should have said “ok, I’ll see you soon” but instead, you sent him back in to make sure his drunk mate was ok and then spent the night stressing. His mate is a grown up and can sort his own shit out.

If it turns out he has done drugs, either get him the help he needs or walk away from him. Your baby will pick up on your stress levels and neither of you need that.

When he called you at 10.30 to say he’d snuck out of the pub to come home, you should have said “ok, I’ll see you soon” but instead, you sent him back in to make sure his drunk mate was ok

Didn't she suggest he texted or called the mate, not suggest he went back in? All a load of baloney anyway.

Am I the only one who wonders if IsaidIWasTired is a user her/himself?

I really feel for you here, OP. It's seems like whatever you chose to do, you're in for a hard time, and none of this is your fault.

I think your fiancé has really disrespected you and your DD. Personally, I think it's outrageous behaviour at any time of life (not necessarily the drug taking, but lying to you, so blatantly taking you for a fool, and shirking his responsibilities) but as a new parent with a 16wo, he's really let you down.

You've obviously told him that's your red line, and he's crossed it anyway, believing he'll get away with it. If you don't follow through, you'll just end up reliving this over and over again. It sounds like you already know this, though.

Hopefully, if you can get the message across that you're serious, then he'll start taking his responsibilities seriously too, and be able to show you that he's worthy of your trust. But that's on him to do, not for you to make happen, and you can't force him if he isn't ready.

As for his house, SMP, etc, money comes and goes... I don't want to pretend that single parent hood is easy, but circumstances change. Don't allow yourself to feel trapped by this. You know what's right for your daughter and you deserve somebody who respects you. xx

Also, I don't think the issue here is his using drugs - he may have a problem (which is a problem, for both of you) or he may just be a one off recreational user - it's the fact you have such differing opinions on it. He clearly doesn't understand or respect yours, OP.

YANBU. Wouldn't let him in the door. He goes out to pub, no info on why he missed all the "home at times and you are convinced he has slipped back to cocaine again. Whenever he fancies do I g his own thing the drugs will be on the scene each time. No trust no respect for him and certainly no respect for you or his daughter from him. Couldn't live with that.

Not the cocaine, but the going out and getting drunk, the late night texts and mixed messages, coming home/not coming home, the 3.00 am calls, can you pick me up, this was all part of the course from my teenage daughter. Your partner needs to grow up and act with more respect and consideration for you, perhaps he is having a hard time accepting that he is now a parent and had a momentary lapse, even so, a bit selfish and immature.

So sorry for your situation op. Ultimately you have to decide what works for YOU. But I agree (based on personal experience) tjat if you let him off the hook, he will do this again.

This was us except for the drugs. We've been together since our late teens (mid 40s now) and stress still sends him to the pub to get annihilated on a far too regular basis. I hate it and totally don't get it but I have come to understand that I love everything else about him so I manage to overlook this. When you've been in the situation for this many years you stop panicking and having sleepless nights as it won't change things and upsets you more than him at the end of the day. I actually found I coped better once I had kids as I basically decided that I'd got something else to worry about now and I'd leave him to worry about himself. If it happens regularly and you can't deal with it or if drugs are definitely involved then you'll have think about what's best moving forwards but I wouldn't end a relationship on a one off, especially as you know he was trying to leave at 10.30, which is sensible and mature although for some reason he made daft decisions after that point.

OP only you can decide what is right for you and your DD - I think there has been some ott replies on this thread and I can only imagine the stress you are going through and the thoughts running through your head.
Hopefully by now you and fiance have had chance to sit down and talk things through.
Where you go from there is up to the pair of you.... Maybe counseling may be some help. Yes he's fxxxed up, other than that you seem to have a pretty good life together and something worth fighting for especially with a beautiful DD together.
I'm not saying just carry on, with no consequences etc but get some help.
Him for his slip ups and both of you to get through this.
I wish you well and really hope you are a bit happier than when you originally posted xx

Your feelings are important and should be considered

I just wanted to say you are incredibly strong, people who havnt been in your shoes shouldn't judge so harshly. I hope you are ok OP 💐

So sorry, OP. I have no advice, but I do feel for you.

What a nightmare OP. I was married to a drug user for 12 years. Not at home though, only when out (as if that makes it any better but he wasn’t doing it around the kids or me I mean) There would be times when he’d stop for a while, but always the ‘odd slip up’ until one night, he sank to a new low and turned up at our home where my kids are totally off his head. I wouldn’t let him in and he never stepped foot in my house again after that night. To the point where he ended up in a homeless shelter. I didn’t care, I was not having that in the house where my precious babies were sleeping. I’ve never looked back but regretted for a long time that I didn’t get rid of him sooner. (He’s now unable to work and has multiple health issues as a result of his drug use, and is not allowed contact with our daughter) He used to be a professional high flier, but the drugs got him, now he lives in a wardened place, can barely walk and has no teeth at the age of 45. I have gone from strength to strength without him dragging me down, I have a great career, have a lovely boyfriend and live in a lovely house with my 2 amazing kids 😊 I’d like to add that my cousin was a big coke user at weekends. 24 years old, good job, nice gf, 2 small kids. Until the night he and his friend took some bad coke, friend in intensive care but pulled through, my cousin died that night.