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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about this

165 replies

Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 06:19

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 28/04/2018 08:36

I would be fucking furious. Not that he's gone out. If my DH had said he was going on a bender and was kipping with a mate I would be fine. I would have been a bit grudging with a 16 week old baby mind you, but if it's a one off, not really an issue.

It's the lying about coming home that would piss me off. The making out he's coming home when he clearly isn't.

I would go and see family friends for a bit of support, get some sleep and deal with him later when you feel a bit more human. You must be exhausted.

But if he's been taking coke, that would be a deal breaker for me. He can fuck off. No-one who takes drugs is allowed near my children.

pictish · 28/04/2018 08:39

I agree that the bullshitting about coming home when he clearly has no intention of doing so would piss me off, for no other reason than it’s a pointless, needless, insulting lie.

I’d chew his ear for that one and tell him not to smarm on me like that again. If you want to stay out, stay out. Don’t patronise me by telling me otherwise.

The rest of it wouldn’t bother me.

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 08:39

'' But it's also understandable that he will occasionally 'fall off the wagon'. He needs your support and encouragement to stay off cocaine, not your anger at one slip up. It's unrealistic and unfair to expect somebody never to slip up. He's gone the past ten months or so without doing cocaine, for you, and he's usually a great dad. I think it would be wrong to leave him over this.''

jesus christ, she is talking about cocaine here, not fucking falling off the diet wagon..., The op is 100 percent right, the fact that they have a child and there is even a suggestion that dad does coke once every blue moon is enough to end the relationship. Nope while i am no angel i believe that when you have kids then kids come 1st and the op has her priorities in the right place. I know too many kids that grew up in families with mum or dad high on weed, alcohol ,cocaine,Ecstasy and believe me it created nothing but a web of problems and very bad parenting. By all means, he is entitled to a night out but he is a father now with a partner to take care off and responsibilities and is a role model to that child.He cannot be staying out on big benders like that anymore and leaving mum at home worried especially when he agreed not to. And no cocaine is not an occasional drug, I know people who are hooked on it and blow through big money on it and are messed up with it.... And no I would not want any drug around my child or any adult in my house on them[especially coke].

The op is exactly right and I commend her 100 percent in her responsibility in being a parent here and putting her child 1st. Well done.

DoinItForTheKids · 28/04/2018 08:50

airwa

You're an idiot.

pictish
this happened to me. He also did it in the home of a 'friend' of his in their bathroom and left the detritus there - his friend had two toddlers.

You may wish to assume that this sort of thing doesn't happen and take the piss and pretend it's over dramatic shite, but sadly, it isn't.

Coke users, all drug users, can't help themselves and become THE most selfish twunts ever with absolutely NO regard for the people around them, adults or children. None.

This is just one possible outcome for OP. Or, that might not ever happen, but what will, is he will continue to go on benders with all the aftermath that OP describes, spunking the family money up his nostrils and worst of all, lying. Lying and lying and repeatedly lying til OP won't know if she's up or down.

And, if S/S ever did get involved and they found that she'd stayed with him knowing or suspecting he was using a class A drug, they would NOT be happy with that if she did nothing about it.

Eatmycheese · 28/04/2018 08:50

The drugs and the baby don’t mix. If he has been using them you need a very serious conversation. To be fair staying out drinking to the point where you’re incapable through alcohol of looking after your infant daughter as promised isn’t great either. But not an event that would end a relationship for me just make me really pissed off.

If his previous cocaine use was such that he required therapy and support it suggests that it wasn’t a recreational indulgence now and again. He has to be honest with you and himself.

I know how knackered you must feel but my advice would be that you go out and do something nice with your daughter today. Don’t spend all day plotting or second guessing or waiting for his call it will just upset you. Leave him to it as he has you. That’s also more likely to unsettle him than if you rage at him, he’ll be unsettled.

If he’s been using cocaine then for me that would be it. And not only would I leave him immediately I would also proceed on the basis our SIXTEEN WEEK OKD BABY ( ffs) was not to be left in his care. This would be even more so over a weekend if he’s going out and behaving like this.

pictish · 28/04/2018 09:11

“Coke users, all drug users, can't help themselves and become THE most selfish twunts ever with absolutely NO regard for the people around them, adults or children. None.“

Not true. Your personal experience does not a rule make.

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 09:14

So he has just called and is on his way home, he apparently fell asleep. He said he’d spent the last hour trying to work out what to say to me as he knows what an idiot he has been, he is adamant he hasn’t touched anything and just got too drunk.

He said he was angry that I’d asked him about it as he won’t do it knowing he’ll lose me and the baby and being so drunk he just stopped replying.

Thinking logically, he wouldn’t have fallen asleep if he’d taken anything.

I’m so tired and still so mad at him but I do believe he hasn’t taken anything but I’ll know for sure when he gets home and looks me in the eye and answers me again.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 28/04/2018 09:36

I'm sorry to say it, OP, but that is classic liar behaviour: 'I can't believe you'd even ask and actually I'm quite angry that you would [sniffle].' Bollocks.

DoinItForTheKids · 28/04/2018 10:17

What Pengggwn said.

PlaydoughBarbershop · 28/04/2018 10:26

I wrote an identical thread a few weeks ago and posted in relationships. But for me this is a regular occurrence. I understand how you feel OP. The anxious sleepless nights, mixed with anger and exhaustion Flowers

GertrudeCB · 28/04/2018 10:45

Right, he has had sleep and you haven't so baby goes to him as soon as he gets back and you go back to bed.
Any talking can wait until you've had a sleep, bath and food.
Flowers for you.

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 10:50

To clarify he isn’t angry at me this morning, he was angry whilst drunk.

When he’s messed up in the past he normally takes responsibility for it and faces up to things but this morning he is obviously still wearing his pathetic hat as he still isn’t home.

I text him saying so that was another lie and he replied saying no he didn’t want to cause more drama so didn’t come home. I may have lost my cool and replied calling him some expletives and now he’s said he doesn’t know what to do.

I’m not replying anymore because I’m sure as hell not telling him the sensible thing is to come home and face the music. The longer he leaves it the angrier I’m getting and that little bit of faith I had in him is fast disappearing.

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/04/2018 11:16

How many threads are on here right now from women who have just given birth and their partners are out on the piss all the time. As soon as there's some responsibility they're gone.

He used to do cocain(e) quite a bit but hasn’t for quite some time, I wouldn’t get serious with him or start a family unless he stopped. He slipped up once when I was pregnant

Slipped up my arse. Hes been using it all along and lying to you.

notoriousnames · 28/04/2018 12:12

Experience of an exDP who was the same tells me this isn't going to change and only ever gets worse. LTB and get on with your life with your baby Thanks

FrogFairy · 28/04/2018 12:20

When he finally gets home tell him you have ordered the drug test kit to put your mind at rest. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

bonnyshide · 28/04/2018 14:15

This would be the end of the relationship for me, why tie yourself to someone like this for the rest of your life?

GertrudeCB · 28/04/2018 16:16

Is he home yet op ?

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 16:40

Nope! Had a few more hours of silence and he’s finally called me back. He’s admitted he did take cocain.

He’s not even trying to sort anything out, he’s been back to the pub this afternoon.

So that’s it, our lives as we know it over!

OP posts:
ScouseAT · 28/04/2018 16:41

Amazed by the extreme and negative views on here. He went out had a couple and snuck out to leave. OP sent him back in. Obviously he should have resisted being drawn in to a heavy drinking session but he’s not the first and he won’t be the last. I imagine he would get narked by the constant attempts to contact him, I know I would. Yes he should have been thinking about the OP and baby but had been drinking so judgement obviously impaired. He deserves short shrift but home drug testing and calls to ltb are an over reaction given events OP has described.

ScouseAT · 28/04/2018 16:45

Ok! So I take back my comment. He had taken drugs. I guess at least he admitted it. I wish you well OP while you work out what to do for the best.

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 16:47

I did not send him back in, I told him to call his friend to let him know he was leaving. So his friend wasn’t looking for him. They did leave together and got a train back to friends town and then decided to go to a pub there!

OP posts:
Juells · 28/04/2018 16:48

He went out had a couple and snuck out to leave. OP sent him back in.

A completely likely series of events. 😂 He never snuck out to leave. He never went back in to save his mate. That's what he told his wife. 'narked by constant attempts to contact him'. Awwwww. Poor love.

user1494670108 · 28/04/2018 16:48

Gosh, am shocked by your update op, not that he admitted to the drug use but that he's not come home and is back in the pub.
So sorry you find yourself in this position. While you obviously have some serious thinking to do, dont rush yourself

notoriousnames · 28/04/2018 16:49

Don't now get sucked in to his self pity. He will try and turn the situation to ease his guilt. You and DC deserve better. If it's not the first or second time then don't believe it was the last.

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 16:52

I also didn’t repeatedly attempt to contact him until over two hours after he said he was on his way home. He called me to tell me he was on his way home, I hadn’t contacted him once before this!

OP posts: