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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry about this

165 replies

Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 06:19

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 28/04/2018 07:39

Coke heads are some of the most tedious people on earth. It would be counselling or the end for me.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2018 07:44

I never get this kind of behaviour. Being worried/controlling about someone on a night out. Receiving constant texts and calls and ringing friends to check up on me if im out does not go down well

You don’t understand being worried when someone who was due back doesn’t turn up?

My only rule is dont wake me up whenever you come in and if we have already made plans for tomorrow, theyre going ahead regardless of your sorry state

So you’d leave a 16 year old baby with someone that was potentiall still wasted from cocaine?

We used to have one rule about nights out. You’re home at the time you said OR you text the other party to let them know. That’s just courteous.

Eminado · 28/04/2018 07:45

Op, this is totally unacceptable.

He has let you down because you agreed he would care for the baby today to give you a rest, there is no chance of that now. Secondly almost certainly he is high, and has been out all night. Lastly he has promised you that he won't do it again, but he has. How can you trust him?

I could not have this in my life with a young baby, so I am inclined to agree with the other posts that the relationship would be over.

This isn't about one night out, this is about a lack of respect, trust and boundaries.*

This!!!!! ^^

Pfftlife · 28/04/2018 07:45

He was leaving the pub at 10pm but you are the one that told him to go back and sort out his friend. If you've got a really drunk friend and your tipsy yourself it's easy to get dragged along with the idea that you're trying to help him get home or just going to the pub for one more. If this doesn't happen often I wouldn't get upset at him, plans on nights out can change. If he does it regular then doesn't help out the next day I wouldn't be happy then

Original poster
Angrymuma · 28/04/2018 07:46

Still heard nothing, 4 hours after he text saying he was trying to get home.

I’m not controlling in anyway, if he’s out he is out but this wasn’t a proper night out, this was a work social that he had to go to and he chose to call me to tell me he was on his way home. If he’d have text me saying change of plan the nights carrying on I’d have been annoyed because of today’s plans being ruined but I’d have rolled over and gone back to sleep. It’s the not knowing for hours on end if he is ok!

Today’s plans can’t go on regardless because I now won’t leave him in charge of the baby knowing what state his is going to be in, let alone drive her anywhere!

He’s actually an amazing dad normally, does his fair share of everything not because he has to but because he wants to. He adores our little girl and enjoys spending time with her.

OP posts:
LeilaBriggs · 28/04/2018 07:49

WTF is it with men and dead phones on nights out? Why can’t they just ensure their phones are charged before they leave the house?

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 28/04/2018 07:57

I don’t know what the overall state of your relationship is like but DH used to do this once maybe twice a year for the first 5-6 years we were married and with kids. He went out plenty but the disappearing act was relatively infrequent. It did my head in but in the overall context of our relationship it was bearable.

He was being an immature twat and reliving his childless, wifeless twenties.

You need to look at the overall picture and see if that is the case for yours too.

DH was a loving and commited husband and father in every other way, not perfect but a really hard working person in all of his family relationships so I could see past it. If your DH is like that then it might be worth giving him a chance to grow out of it.

Lethaldrizzle · 28/04/2018 08:03

I would have assumed dh had stayed out drinking and gone back to sleep. my dh used to do this but not now.

user1493413286 · 28/04/2018 08:05

Yep I’d be livid at being left worrying all night and that the plans this morning won’t happen.
In the past if DH has been hungover I’ve always insisted we do what we’d planned but it’s not fair/safe on the baby for him to look after him now.

Juells · 28/04/2018 08:06

@TellyCushion

You are not entitled to anger.

WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE 😂

pictish · 28/04/2018 08:11

I’m with arawia on this one. This wouldn’t bother me, I’d assume he’d be back when the night was over and if he was a let down the next day I’d make sure he made it up to me.

When I go out I want to be able to please myself, I don’t want to be bothered with constant calls and as my nights out are so seldom, I’d expect to be left to get on with it.

We are both understanding to one another in these circumstances and sympathetic the next day if one of us has overdone it somewhat. These occasions are few and far between so it’s not problem.

Joinourclub · 28/04/2018 08:18

Yes of course I'd be angry, as I'd feel he let me down. But I think leaving him for taking cocaine is unfair. He used to take it when you got together with him, you knew this and you got pregnant with him. It's understandable that you wanted him to then stop. But it's also understandable that he will occasionally 'fall off the wagon'. He needs your support and encouragement to stay off cocaine, not your anger at one slip up. It's unrealistic and unfair to expect somebody never to slip up. He's gone the past ten months or so without doing cocaine, for you, and he's usually a great dad. I think it would be wrong to leave him over this.

DoinItForTheKids · 28/04/2018 08:18

You wouldn't be bothered about him using cocaine?

#deluded

What about when he carries on doing it (which all experience tells me he will), OP wakes up on a Saturday morning and walks into the living room where her 5 year old daughter is rubbing white powder that's been left on the coffee table all over her hands.... left there by her partner? That ok as well?

LiteraryDevil · 28/04/2018 08:20

Do not marry this man. He will only get worse and accuse you of being controlling and stopping him seeing his mates because you rightly expect some respect and communication. I married a man like this and deeply regret it. Please think of your baby who does not need to grow up in this kind of environment with drug use.

araiwa · 28/04/2018 08:22

Lol

There is never any left at the end of a night for a 5 yearold to go all tony montana in the morning

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 28/04/2018 08:25

Drugs? Any drugs (though coke in particular is renowned for turning people into nasty arses, isn't it?)? As a parent? Um, that would be a big fat no, or what is known as a 'dealbreaker'. Tbh, the disappearing act and getting utterly wasted are bad enough. Astonished at the apologists.

jellycat1 · 28/04/2018 08:25

Depends. My dh dis this once. I was very pissed off and made it very plain I was for a good while after! He never did it again. Everyone is entitled to a second chance I'd say. He doesn't do drugs though. If that's an issue for your DH then that needs to be resolved.

FatBottomedGal · 28/04/2018 08:26

I’d be surprised if he did a full days work and managed to stay awake until this time without the help of drugs if I’m honest. That or he’s fallen asleep somewhere?

I’m a bit of a worrier and always think the worst if my partner isn’t home when he says he will be, I can imagine I’d be much more concerned if w head a baby that needed looking after. I don’t understand how people can just throw away their responsibility like that.

I hope he turns up soon, OP.

pictish · 28/04/2018 08:26

“What about when he carries on doing it (which all experience tells me he will), OP wakes up on a Saturday morning and walks into the living room where her 5 year old daughter is rubbing white powder that's been left on the coffee table all over her hands.... left there by her partner? That ok as well?”

Nothing like a bit of dramatisation for a Saturday morning.

FatBottomedGal · 28/04/2018 08:27

*we had

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 08:27

''You have a 16 week old baby together. It would be crazy to end your relationship over a night out. You are not entitled to anger.''

in the context of his past then no, not really and especially when kids are involved i see her point that she does not want a child growing up in that environment whether dad is going to be out to all hours and mum is sitting at home worrying whether he is doing coke. She made herself clear to him before the baby so she has the right to act like this especially as he did not communicate with her. I am with the op that she needs to have a long talk with him and lay down boundaries.

Pfftlife · 28/04/2018 08:31

As you said he's a good dad and doesn't do this regular so I would put it down as him getting too drunk to think rationally, it can happen from time to time. Next time he goes out switch your phone off and you won't get woken, he's a big boy and I'm sure can look after himself

rabbitsitter · 28/04/2018 08:32

I assume this man has some other more positive traits which is why you had a child with him.

I think you'd be foolish to leave him over one night (and it doesn't seem to be what you're saying you want to do either). However I would be furious at the lack of contact and support. My Dh did this around the same time when my dc was 12 weeks and when he came back I was distraught. I told him I couldn't believe that he would rather be out than with his new dc and the thought he didn't love our dc as much was devastating. It really hit home and he hasn't done it since because ultimately he wants to be a good father.

Your dh had a cocaine habit, he stopped it for you and your family. Yes he relapsed but he is clearly trying. People aren't perfect, we all have flaws. He's probably not contacting you because he knows he's fucked up and he feels guilty. Although you shouldn't have to put up with this nonsense you did choose him to father your child.

Bluelonerose · 28/04/2018 08:35

Op I've been there. I threw my dh out phoned his mom and the police.
Nobody is going to disrespect my children by being around them after taking shit like that. It worked for me.
Be strong op and tell him straight when your a parent the only thing that goes up your nose is what your toddler shoves up there. Good luck

Lethaldrizzle · 28/04/2018 08:36

Its totally selfish but forgivable behaviour. However it's funny how I've never heard of mothers doing this, although I'm sure some women must!