AIBU to be angry about this

[Angrymuma]

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

I'm sorry to see your update, OP. I hope you're ok and have some clarity now to think about how you want to proceed.

People who take cocaine are scum. They're prepared to put their own enjoyment first and forget about the organised crime, murder, rape, people trafficking that they are supporting.
I'm so sorry that the has betrayed your trust. For me it would be the end and it seems like that's what he's expecting.

Tragic update, OP.
I know how selfish cocaine can make people and I am so sorry this is happening to you and your new baby. I don’t know you obviously but I can just imagine how hurt you are and it’s fucking awful. We are here to talk.

Oysterbabe you are right. I hope OP can believe any of us who have lived with people who use it. I wasted the years 40 to 45 with someone like this. It NEVER stopped (even when he said it had - it was ALL lies).

I found him with it on his person one night and was so upset I turned right back round and went off on my own for a couple of hours, to have a think. The police did a safe and well check on the kids and in later, separate, family court proceedings this had been passed to the court social services people who described this as (about me) that I had: 'Left the children in the care of a known drug user'. It's that black and white for social services, no grey areas AT ALL. And it is NOT viewed positively.

You HAVE to demonstrate you understand the real, serious nature of what he's doing as it relates to you and your children, and having him in the house after this would not qualify.

I really feel for you. I've been following and whilst I'm relieved he is safe, I'm so sad that he's hurt you so much. No advice, just wellwishing.

OP - you can now see where in the list of his priorities you and DD are.... beneath his friends, alcohol and drugs.

What you do now is determined by how much self respect you have for yourself and what sort of life and role model's you want your child to experience.

I hope you make a good choice. Best of luck.

I’m sure the OP is feeling about as low as possible as it is @ TryingToForgeAnewLife

Bloody hell some people have low expectations in life.

Op I'm really sorry. For yours and your baby's sake I think you need to start planning for your life ahead without him. He's not worrying about you so you need to. He's untrustworthy and irresponsible.

I'm so sorry op.

Oh bugger.

I'm sorry lass.

He is finally home buts that’s only because I sent him a text saying if you want to try and save this relationship, I strongly suggest you get home get some sleep and be ready to make some massive changes tomorrow!!

Im not sure if I mean it but I’d asked him what his plans were (as in where was he going to stay) and he had none. I felt it was only way to get him to stop drowning his sorrows whilst on a come down in the pub and so I didn’t have to spend a second night wondering where he is.

I told him it was over this morning when we spoke on the phone and he knew I meant it, which is why he didn’t come home, plus he knew I wouldn’t let him near our dd. After the fuck up when I was pregnant he knew he was on his very last chance.

I told him I’m not willing to talk to him tonight and he is on the sofa.

At least if I stick to my decision tomorrow he’ll be sober and will be able to make a sober plan on where to go.

Im so torn on what to do, it’s very easy to say it’s over but not so easy to actually go ahead with it. I am so anti-drugs and categorically won’t accept them around my daughter but I can see he has come so far and am wondering if I’m being too harsh in ending it.

To give some more info on his habit, it’s never been a day to day thing, just every time he went out drinking excessively. I didn’t expect to fall pregnant so soon but he already hadn’t done it for about 6 months before we conceived.

There has been just the two occasions I’ve mentioened in all this time (19 months) that he has slipped up.

I’m so mad at him for putting it before our daughter but given he is miles from where he was is it unreasonable to end it now.

He's lied, lied and lied again. You mean there are o my two occasions that you know about. There will have been more than 2. Don't back down otherwise he will continue to do the same thing time and time again. If you let him stay because he's got nowhere to go (tough shit imo, he'll find somewhere) then you are telling him he can walk all over you and that you haven't got much end respect. What would you tell your daughter if she were in the same position? This man is a shit fiancé and a shit dad because good fiancés and dad's don't go out on all night benders, do drugs, lie about it and get angry when pissed and questioned. He has proved he is not worthy to be with you. Kick him out and get some support from friends and family and financial support where you can.

OP I spent 5 years with someone who said he only did or was only discovered doing it every 4 - 6 months. He was doing it more.

I lost a whole 5 years of my life wasting time on that man.

If you want to give him a chance he has to 1. move out 2. go to a drug rehab 3. be 100% willing to do drug testing and prove himself for a period of a year to be free from drugs - then you can see if there's something left to salvage and whether he steps up to the plate, and it's all getting done away from you and your DD.

I'm so sorry this is happening but the answer to this question is yes, end it now. If he really values what he has with you then he'll follow every single step requested of him and then there might be hope. But just glossing over it and just a stern telling off just will not do it and are not keeping a class A drug user away from a child - and he needs to be kept away. I don't think he's miles from where he was before actually, not at all.

Listen to Literary - he WILL, without a doubt, be doing it more than the times he's been caught out, I guarantee you.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My advice would be to document everything, screen shot msgs (especially if he admits to drug taking) and keep a written time line of things (you won’t remember details months from now).

You are not going to want him to have unsupervised visitation with your daughter. And I wouldn’t be trusting him that he wouldn’t do drugs around your child. His life is about to majorly change, he might start taking drugs and drinking more often.

Try and remain strong, it’s completely unfair you have been out in this position. But it’s not you that is causing your family to split, it’s his actions. You are doing what you have to to protect your daughter and yourself. Things will be ok!

Another thing you might want to do is tell your maternal health nurse. She will know of resources that can help you. Best of luck and I’m sorry you are going through this

Personally I'd find this annoying but as a very occasional occurrence it wouldn't bother me much at all. I find this anti-drug argument a bit I just feel like literally everyone seems to be an occasional recreational user these days.

So your ultimatum wasn’t an ultimatum at all, and was an empty threat.

And you will in fact let him around your dd.

Look, it’s your life but you made threats you have no intention of keeping and that’s basically a green light for him to keep doing this.

Some people are in relationships like this. Some people are recreational drug users.

Just own it and don’t pretend you’re something you’re not (namely SO anti-drugs).

I don't get the appeal of cocaine or any drugs for that matter. I've seen the come down and it looks horrific. You'd have to have a bloody good experience in my books to justify the days after, where you're writhing on a bed, not really knowing what to do with yourself.
I don't know if getting drunk again takes the edge off, but when you have a baby it baffles me why you'd entertain the idea, or if you had a baby why your DP would allow you near friends, who would suggest snorting off whatever (yuk) when you're obviously too weak willed to say no.
I would say you would know if it was a frequent thing as I think it costs a fair bit, so I'd assume you'd notice a huge deficit of money.
Without a doubt he needs to grow up.

Thanks everyone.

I know my little girl won’t really know the difference of him being here yet but I hate hate hate the thought of her growing up from a broken home so I guess that’s why I’m having doubts about kicking him out. Then there is my own broken heart, I love him, he’s the man that I was due to marry but I know that has to come second.

In terms of him doing it more often I’m not sure. Surely I’d have noticed the come down? I ask him whether he’s done it every time he goes out and he’s used to be honest the next morning if he had fucked up. But guess that would change once he knew how serious I was about it being his last chance. I also see how drunk he now gets because he can’t drink like he used to when the coke would sober him up. Financially, money was quite separate before I got pregnant but since then I see his pay slip every month so we can work out our budget as we’ve been saving hard to buy all the baby stuff, cover my maternity leave and pay for the wedding. His disposable play money has reduced by about £800 - £1,200 a month, so I’m not sure he could afford to do it more often like before.

When he was seeing someone about him using, he worked out that it was a stress release. An escape, a way to forget about everything going on. I see our life as pretty good but from his point he is in a demanding/stressful job which he hates. (We work together so I know exactly how stressful it really is). He has been looking for another job but won’t take anything as he’d have to take a pay cut. I’d told him repeatedly that I’m fine with that, just do what makes him happy. He has been stressed lately but we had a good chat about everything earlier in the week and I thought we’d turned a corner, obviously not!!

I always try to see things from the other persons perspective to make sure I’m not overreacting but then I keep coming back to he chose to stick that shit up his nose over me and more importantly his daughter! His done it once now, he can easily do it again.

Sorry I know I’m rambling, but this is everything that’s going through my head and is helpful to write it down.

One more thing is he has never stayed out all night before, not once in our entire relationship. He’s always come home and just sits downstairs because he can’t sleep when he’s done it, maybe him not coming home this time was so he wasn’t around our baby whilst it was in his system.

People who take cocaine lie through their teeth, sorry op but it won't be the only times he has taken it, this is the only time he has been caught. He won't change and will keep on taking it and probably take more and more as time goes on and meanwhile you are living with someone who you know is a drug taker and letting them around your child. If SS caught wind of it, it would not be good for you.

Sorry if that's harsh but lived it first hand with my brother so know all the bollocks they come out with. The Coke is put first above everything. Remember that.

OP, something a pp said really stuck with me

"Left child in care of a known drug user"

This was in a court document from social services. What a damning statement, and it will apply to you if you stay with this man.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but your worries about a broken home are the least of the problems your DD faces.

Your DP chose to take drugs when he knew it would mean the end of your relationship and that he would lose his daughter. He still chose the drugs. That is not a good dad and it is certainly not someone worthy of marrying you.

I really hope things work out for OP and that you find someone more deserving of you and your DD

What an awful situation, unfortunately, the advice is the same as if he had cheated, if you allow this to go by with zero consequences then he will keep doing it!

I would be kicking him out and asking for regular drug testing if he wants access to your baby girl. Alternatively, as a consequence, he has to take a drug test after every night out. Make it clear that the next time is THE LAST TIME! Don't keep it secret either, tell his family and your family, demand that he join NA and commit to quitting completely. He needs to prove his devotion to you and your dd.

Is there a chance that he cheated on you? Just with this being unusual behaviour?

Ffs stop making excuses for him and trying to justify his behaviour and find your self respect! Sorry, but there's no excuses and you'd be an absolute idiot to allow him back. He's a known drug user and caring for a young baby. Social services would have a field day with the pair of you. You know he's using, that should be the end of it. You will never be able to trust him again and will live your life on eggshells. Is that what you want for you and your daughter?