AIBU to be angry about this

[Angrymuma]

Soon to be husband went out last night, which I have no problems with.

He called me at half 10 to say he had snuck out the pub to come home as his mate (a mutual friend) was really drunk. I told him to call him and atleast tell him he was going if he’d like to leave with him.

11.15 he texts me saying he is trying to get the mate home.

I wake up at 1am and he still isn’t home, worried that somethings happened I text and call repeatedly and hear nothing. I finally text the friend at 2.10 to check everything was ok and then call dp again and he finally answers. They’ve been in more pubs near the mates house and are currently at the mates gf’s. His excuse was his phone was on charge.

I was angry because I’d been stressing that something was wrong. He could’ve just text me to tell me what’s he was doing so I didn’t worry if I woke up.

3.15 I text again, he’s still there. I ask if he’s done cocain, (which he knows will mean the end of our relationship) no answer until
half 3 when he texts saying he is trying to come home. No answer to my question, which I’m assuming to mean he has.

I’ve been calling and calling for the last hour but not heard anything from him.

We’ve got a 16 week old baby and I’ve spent half the night awake stressing whether he is ok.

He was meant to be going to the pub for a few beers and then getting up this morning to take the baby out so I could have a few hours to myself.

So AIBU and just winding myself up or would you be angry too?

He probably shagged someone else hence the staying out all night.

I mean, it’s blatantly obvious that you and he don’t feel the same about this relationship or each other.

Since the latest updates I’ve changed my stance too. Please don’t let this looser around your baby now you know he is a drug taker. He clearly put drugs before the both of you and allowing this to happen even once is a dark road to nowhere for you and your child future.
I say this a former selfish female cocaine user. I lied and cared about nothing but cocaine. I didn’t use it every day either but I’m telling you now he is using more than he says.

@MayCatt

Your DP chose to take drugs when he knew it would mean the end of your relationship and that he would lose his daughter.

Shouldn't that read
Your DP chose to take drugs when he knew it wouldn't mean the end of your relationship and that he wouldn't lose his daughter. ?

The OP is all empty threats, the OP knows it and the DP knows it.

Waste of time discussing it, really.

How’s many last chances have you given him?

Really feeling the support this morning... not!

Do you really think making myself a single mum with no home and no income above SMP is an easy choice? Do you really blame me for thinking about all scenarios to make sure I’m doing the right thing!

Any way, he’s packed a bag and he’s gone. But it’s his house so I’ll have to now start sorting a long term solution!

I don’t think it’s easy at all I think it’s fucking shit. Apologies if I come across harsh, OP.

Sorry to hear what you're going through and sorry for all the harsh posters you've had this morning. Good luck for the future. I hope you get the support you need

By support you mean you want everyone to agree you shouldn't leave him?

People are being supportive. Just most people hold the sensible view that you shouldn't be with him.

Read some of the other threads in here like this one. They pretty much all start like yours and end up with some poor woman 10 years in with more than one kid pulling their hair out.

I'd run now while you can.

And this is coming from someone who used to regularly do cocaine. I've not touched it since having ds and I never would again. Because I care more about ds than a drug. As your partner clearly doesn't.

It's awful op, I'm sorry.

Of course it’s not easy!

Don’t turn on the posters here because they’ve held up a mirror to the situation.

Being a single mother is hard.

Being with a drug user who doesn’t come home, and doesn’t respect you or his child is hard.

Those are your choices, so you pick your hard!

Is it fair? Absolutely not.
Is it your fault? Absolutely not.

But life is incredibly shit sometimes and we work with what we’ve got. In your case you’ve got this, so you have to pick what’s right for you and your dd.

It’s none of my business but I’m glad you’ve sent him on his way. He very obviously hasn’t changed.

And he won’t, either. Not for you. Not for his child.

He’ll only change when he wants to do it for himself.

He's packed a bag? But it sounded like you'd said he could stay. So he's left if his own accord?

If I've read that right that's even worse op. You'd never be able to trust him again.

It’s not easy
Who said it was?

But put it this way: losing your child because you turned a blind eye to his drug taking will be a whole lot harder.

That makes the getting sorted more important and it should galvanise you into a course of action.

You will raise a child in a broken home if you stay with this man asking as the technical definition you are beating yourself up about.
You didn’t destroy things. He did

You will be ok 💐

I didn't realise it was his house and can't seem to find that information anywhere but could have missed it.

Have you anywhere you and dd can go? Not that you should have to leave but if it is his house then I'm not sure where you stand in staying there so seek advice there.

However, don't have a go st the people giving you their time, advice and experience just because it isn't what you want to hear.

Single mum of 3 here. It's not easy but it's preferable to living with a lying drug user.

Mines an idiot aswell. Yanbu but don’t let it upset you too much, do what you feel is right. Xx

There are a lot of supportive comments on here, which I’m grateful for and they are still telling me I need to leave him but comments like “ffs stop making excuses for him and trying to justify his behaviour and find your self respect!” and “The OP is all empty threats, the OP knows it and the DP knows it. Waste of time discussing it, really.” are not supportive in any way.

I let him home last night solely so I knew he was safe. It was me who told him to pack a bag and leave this morning!

Being a single parent is 100% better than living with someone you don't trust. You will be on edge everytime he goes out. You won't sleep & will be so stressed. You will panic everytime he mentions a night out. He will pick up on this & you will constantly argue about it. He will stay out because he knows you will crack up at him when he gets home. The cycle will continue until you hate each other. If you leave it will eventually feel like the biggest burden has been lifted off your shoulders. You only have yourself & your LO to worry about. It's a horrible situation & a hard decision.

Oh good, sorry I read that wrong. It's a bloody horrible situation to be in I'm sure we all agree.

Maybe he would come good but I think the odds are on it happening again. And the more times it happens the easier it will probably be for him to do it again.

He'll probably be on a low for a couple of days and be all tears and sorrys. Grr it makes my blood boil. And being stressed at work is no bloody excuse, my dh has a horrificly stressful job that at times make him break out in hives and cry. He doesn't run off and buy a gram of coke. Don't validate his terrible behaviour for him.

I really feel for you being forced into this shitty situation and I know first hand that it's not as easy to just walk away from him as some people seem to suggest but sadly on this occasion, I think that is exactly what should happen.

He put using cocaine before you and his daughter and then had the cheek to not only stay out all night but most of the following day too! Not exactly a great partner or dad.

Also, you only know of two occasions that he's slipped but I'd have a guess that there has been more.

He blatantly lied to you. I'd be forever wondering what else he'd lied about.

It certainly won't be easy but you owe it to your DD and yourself to stick to your ultimatum and not let him crawl his way back.

So sorry

I hope you're ok OP. I don't have any advice but this must be awful for you and I didn't want to just read and run. Whatever happens, your baby will always have a strong mama

And, OP, you need to be ready for the next phase in the 'drug addict cycle'. For those who are actually committed to continuing use and belief if you scratch the surface that they can carry on even if under the radar because, actually, they don't really want to stop, this is probably how it will go and I'm saying this so you're ready for it and see it for what it is.

It will be the remorse stage and the empty promises stage. "You mean the world to me", "I'll never do it again", "That was the last time" - all good, positive things to say. To which you can say "that's absolutely great, however, until I'm sure and random, but routine, drug testing confirms it, you aren't fit to be around our daughter or me, so if you love us as you say you do, you can help facilitate me finding somewhere else to live so that the daughter you love so much isn't living in a hostel somewhere and there will [insert format of and supervisory level of contact if any] contact to be arranged between us until such times as you can evidence a minimum of 6 months regular engagement with a drugs counselling service and X number of clean drugs tests".

Because he WILL try this and you WILL believe him. You can still help him OP, you're not abandoning him, but it's his fight at the end of the day. Read a PPs post, she's a mum, she used to do coke, she stopped ALL BY HERSELF when she had a child because she KNEW that it was not compatible with parenthood. No one had to carry her through it because she reached a point of maturity appropriate for someone caring for a child, to know that it absolutely couldn't continue! Your fella has this same choice (a choice he should already have made, but sadly, hasn't yet). It is NOT your job to do it for him. You are helping him in any case by showing him the clear reality of the situation - that it's untenable - and make it absolutely clear that whilst he has your full support, it's conditional on his picking up the reins on this and taking it forward HIMSELF. If he can't do that, what other things won't he be able to step up to as the years progress?

I wish you all the best with it but please, don't get sucked in because he will turn on the poor me routine at some point within the next week. It's actually not a help to him to have him back in your lives, as hard as it is.

How ballistic did you go when he did it when you were pregnant? Did you make it very clear you'd leave him if it happened again? If so he really has chosen coke over you and your daughter.

That's what would be most hurtful for me, it would be hard to come back from that for a lot of people.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP.

But, as others have said, your DP chose to get drunk, take cocaine and not come home. He chose to do that, knowing that you had said it was your "red line" and the relationship was over if he did it. He then lied when you asked about it, lied about when he was coming home...

So, if you take him back this time, what then? Why will next time be different? Or the next time? Or the time after that? Because if he doesn't want to stop, and do it for him, then he won't. I would also have my doubts that it is as infrequently as he says, but I suppose it is possible. But last nights events show that he hasn't "kicked the habit"- he still lapses into it when stressed. If he was over it, he wouldn't do it at all.

Even the drinking like that would bother me hugely- but I think many people are far too blasé about the harms of heavy binge drinking. It's not a good way to handle stress, for sure. Not coming home when he said he would, whilst being absolutely steaming drunk would bother me. I just wouldn't want to live like that.

If he can get clean, stay clean and prove it- then maybe you can get back together. Until then, I think you are better off apart. Maybe this will be the kick up the backside he needs to decide to make a change? If not, there is something better out there for you.

How is taking cocaine a couple of times mean he's going to become an addict?! Sorry OP but I think you are getting some shoddy advise from people who are very naive and have probably never taken drugs.

Sure of course they can be addictive and destructive but the vast majority of use is occasional and recreational. His behaviour was selfish and immature but doesn't mean he has a problem. I certainly would never suggest you leave someone for taking drugs a couple of times! Blimey.

ISaidIWasTired

I’ve got a huge back history with cocaine, which is one of the reasons I piped up at all on this thread. People that use it once or twice do not come up with lies, end up staying out all night at houses using when they have a young baby and rock up the next afternoon. Did you read the thread at all?

@ISaidIWasTired did you read my post?

Also, years ago when I did do coke, I was seeing a guy with three children for a while.

After a night out one morning his ex rang to ask him if he'd take the kids. Off he trotted to have them for the day. He was so so angry at me when I refused to go as I'd done coke the night before. And told him he shouldn't go either.

We actually broke up over it.

I'm shocked at people's thinking drug use when they have children is ok. It just isn't for many reasons.