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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've identified someone on here

248 replies

ihatethedentist · 27/04/2018 19:18

I've identified someone on here, I 100% know that it's her, there is no doubt. Do I tell her? She's my DH's ex-wife and she has a lot to say about him and me! She unfortunately has given away a little too much of herself. It's really quite amusing to read, but do I tell her I know, would IBU not to? She's not been pleasant about me and it's good to know how she really feels, so i'm tempted to stay undercover.

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 28/04/2018 08:57

Why don't you post on her threads as someone else OP and gently suggest your side of things? Might help improve relations. I wouldn't tell her you know. She will be mortified.

VileyRose · 28/04/2018 09:04

Sounds a bit over invested..

MakeItRain · 28/04/2018 09:05

I would tell her and put it behind you. It's not healthy to read unkind things that someone is saying about you. MN is funny because people think it's anonymous so possibly exaggerate/add details/vent. It might not even be exactly what they really believe but just satisfying a need to get deep down worries out. Or maybe it really is their perspective on things. Or like someone else said maybe it really isn't the person you think it is anyway.
The only person this is bothering at the moment is you. Whatever you say about it being amusing for you, it's not nice or healthy to see things written down about you that aren't kind or true.
Something similar happened to me once, as in I inadvertantly saw some unpleasant things about me written down. I became a bit obsessed and upset about it too at the time and like you I wasn't supposed to have seen it so it was really hard to deal with it. I never did say anything but it forever changed how I see and trust people. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing! Good in some ways, but sad at the same time.
My advice would be to ask her to name change and move on.

MakeItRain · 28/04/2018 09:16

I think that loads of people would continue to read posts about themselves in the same circumstances. It's not "stalking". It's human nature to be interested in what someone is saying about you. But it's unhealthy for you OP and better for you not to give her negative opinions any head space. Probably the easiest way to avoid the temptation is to let her know so that you have no way of looking.

Juells · 28/04/2018 09:22

@ihatethedentist

Juells you also said "you wouldn't give a shit" as you don't say anything on here you wouldn't say in real life? So which is it??

Two different things:

I wouldn't care if someone from my real life recognised me by my posts. I say the same things in real life.
I wouldn't want to read posts by someone I recognised, who was venting in what they thought was an anonymous way. I'd feel I was invading their privacy.

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:26

@Juells if I wanted to vent privately I'd write a journal or confide in a good friend, I wouldn't post on a public forum. She's made her own posts identifiable all by herself.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/04/2018 09:31

If it was me, I just want to say a HUGE thank you for getting him off my hair.

I have never wanted to destroy your relationship, I begged him for a divorce for years on end. I’m not taking your money (or his) either, as he is not even paying the minimum child maintenance.

If you had not been so nasty to my kid, I would feel pity for you. It is difficult to live with a manchild of such proportions, no matter how rich he is.

Is he still as socially awkward as he used to be? If so, you have my full sympathy, it is so very difficult to sustain friendships when your OH is putting his foot on his mouth continuously every time you meet with people.

All the best, I wish you a good life or at least the strength to leave it if it is not making you happy Smile

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 28/04/2018 09:31

Isn't it odd to have gone through and searched her previous posts, almost as though you were looking for dirt? That's the point where you should have messaged he and simply said "hi, I think I recognise you as x, thought you ought to have a little heads-up to change your nn if you want to" and left it there?

You can't undo what you've read but you can give her a heads-up. MN should be anonymous. I'm sure many of us have given too many details at one time or another, but much like a diary or blog, you can only represent your own side of a story and so perhaps her perspective of her divorce and your marriage is different to yours? It doesn't make you the scarlet woman or a bad person; she's simply entitled to dislike you for whichever reason she likes. Let it go.

mishfish · 28/04/2018 09:34

@Skittlesandbeer I can be quite open about an ex in the hope that the current girlfriend recognises the situation and it encourages her to get a disclosure under Clare’s Law. However, I know that what she likely knows of the situation will be so little that she probably won’t recognise the situation. Here’s to hoping though

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:35

@Notsure it's not you. Unless you've name changed but the maintenance and children sound different. He's also not socially awkward.

OP posts:
feelinggoodinspring · 28/04/2018 09:36

If I recognised someone in real life and their posts weren't anything about with me, or even if they were but nothing nasty, I would leave it at that and wouldn't look them up afterwards.

But if I recognised someone and they were saying nasty things about me/my dp or my children then I'd want to know what else they are saying about me/us. I wouldn't really care about it invading their privacy at that point.

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:41

She's very nasty about DH, but I get that, they split for a reason, but I know him pretty well after 6 years and some of the stuff she's said simply isn't true.

She doesn't know me at all, we've never even had a conversation. She's called me all sorts of crap and accused me of all sorts without a shred of proof.

I'm a pretty well adjusted person who takes care of my step children (her children) very well and can laugh most of it off. I have no guilt for reading this stuff, as a PP has said, knowledge is power and as we're having an issue or two with DSS it could be useful.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 09:42

In fairness to the other person I think the OP should let MN know which poster it is, so they can contact her and advise her to change names

If people are foolish enough or naive enough to give so much info as to make them identifiable....then it's on them.

This is the world wide web. Time to wise up and get with the programme.

Anything you put on here is for public viewing. That means everybody All 8 billion people on the planet .. those who can read and have internet access.

Bumblesnuff4Crimpysnitch · 28/04/2018 09:45

Before I left work (health thing) I got told someone what worked with me wrote about me and something what she said went on at work, cept she lied a lot on here. I got slated by her. most replies said she WERE BVU. I was so so so upset cos Id done lots to help her still am upset., I posted on her thread and she knew I had. She was angry and texted me. The person what told me what she did this screen caputered her post and give it to HR. It dint end well for her.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 28/04/2018 09:47

Is he is not socially awkward, it is definitively not him (mind you, he was the soul of the party but still difficult to put with for a while).

Glad to know it is not me, but thank you anyway. It has been quite cathartic to say that.

My only suggestion is to stop reading, there are sometimes when ignorance is bliss.

Chaosandchocolate · 28/04/2018 09:49

Sandy the ex wife may have made a bad judgment call - she has posted private thoughts and is identifiable. But, despite that its a public forum, in the vast majority of cases - thousands and thousands of posts - posters do remain anonymous. So of course it's an easy mistake to make. I wouldn't consider her poor judgement makes her fair game for OP to read what she likes.

I think when most people "overshare" it reflects that they don't have anyone in real life to talk to. So I don't judge them as stupid or deserving of privacy invasion. Some posters have so little empathy!

OP you have step children. You really need to stop messing around.

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:51

I'm glad this has helped you @Notsure 😍 At least something good has come out of it. Doesn't sound like him at all, he's also not "rich" - bloody wish he was!!

To those who still think that people have similar circumstances there are always a detail or two that's different as proved by @notsure 's message. I have zero doubt that it's the ex wife I've identified.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 09:51

knowledge is power

Absolutely agree with this.

Knowing what someone truly thinks about you is really helpful. Especially if they pretend to like you to your face.

You can decline yo do them a favour or help out where you might have done.

No ex husband...so I know it's not me.Smile

I did wonder with the poster who mentioned recognising her Dsis on here...but my Dsis aren't forum people... and I don't give identifying info.

Keeps you one step ahead knowing what people think of you.

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:51

She has children so needs to stop messing about!!

OP posts:
TammyWhyNot · 28/04/2018 09:54

And she probably has read it (everyone will be wondering ‘is it me’, of course) and now she knows your posting name and everything you have posted and what you post about her. And that you are having problems with her child.

MissWilmottsGhost · 28/04/2018 09:56

TBH ihatethedentist your posts don't really paint you in a good light either Confused Stalking someone on the internet is a very unpleasant thing to do.

She is your DHs ex, you said you have only met her once, why on earth do you care what she says about anyone?

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:56

I've name changed for this and the problems with DSS are already well known to all involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 09:57

I care because she's saying nasty things about me and untrue stuff about DH. Have you never stalked anyone on the internet? I find that hard to believe.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 10:00

So I don't judge them as stupid or deserving of privacy invasion.

Privacy and the internet don't go hand in hand I'm afraid. You cannot post on an open forum and then say your privacy has been invaded.

I don't believe the OP has done anything wrong whatsoever.

It makes me wonder if the pp saying she has do the same as the Ex wife.

Although I accept that people have different perspectives of the same situation and different views about the same person.

People change ..OP... he may have been different with her and you're getting the better version of him.

Or maybe she was unreasonable...or they were just incompatible and now she's resentful. Bitter Ex wives are everywhere. Nothing new there.

Once again...I don't think reading her threads is wrong...and I definetly wouldn't alert her that you know.

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 10:09

You can't invade someone's privacy if they've put the stuff in a public place.