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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've identified someone on here

248 replies

ihatethedentist · 27/04/2018 19:18

I've identified someone on here, I 100% know that it's her, there is no doubt. Do I tell her? She's my DH's ex-wife and she has a lot to say about him and me! She unfortunately has given away a little too much of herself. It's really quite amusing to read, but do I tell her I know, would IBU not to? She's not been pleasant about me and it's good to know how she really feels, so i'm tempted to stay undercover.

OP posts:
Shen0102 · 28/04/2018 00:40

Please take screenshots before it all gets deleted...

sockunicorn · 28/04/2018 01:14

I wouldnt tell her. Its like being able to hear her thoughts AND see everyone elses opinion on situations to see AIBU without even asking! a fab superpower youve been handed!

oncemoreunto · 28/04/2018 01:34

Maybe she wouldn't mind. I try not to say anything on here that I wouldn't as in RL. I am honestly not that interesting.

SandyY2K · 28/04/2018 01:45

Anything put on the internet is free for all. People need to be a bit smart and not make themselves identifiable.

I wouldn't tell her. I'd keep reading her posts.

It's also a matter of perspectives. She may see things very differently to you.

I knew a school mum when my DC were younger, who said her Ex was violent and didn't do activities or spend much time with her DD.

With his second marriage he was more hands on with his DC (his Ex told me) and she was upset he wasn't like this with her.

Each woman will have a different experience with him.

crumble2 · 28/04/2018 01:54

It sounds a bit creepy that you're stalking her by reading her posts tbh. I'd rather not know.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/04/2018 02:54

Tell her you recognise her or don't. Out her or don't. But quit the shitty Vaguenetting, it's unpleasant and disingenuous.

Skittlesandbeer · 28/04/2018 03:35

Reading all this makes me wonder how often posters use mn as a back-door way of communicating. Does anyone ever purposely post, knowing they aren’t anonymous to certain people in their lives? Kind of a passive-aggressive way of letting family/coworkers/exs/friends know they are offended, and hoping the thread posters back them up for the relevant parties to see?

I’m not suggesting that your DH’s ex is aware you’re reading her stuff, OP, but I guess this must happen? I haven’t been around long enough to see it play out.

babybatbear · 28/04/2018 05:48

If you did want to carry on reading her posts you've probably fucked it up now as I'm sure any ex wife who's been talking about the things you've mentioned will have name changed!!

headhurtstoomuch · 28/04/2018 05:59

Why are you so joyous in the fact you know? Tell her and move on. Stalking her posts will only cause long term stress as you wait for the next 'instalment'. So what if she has written unpleasant things? Are you that insecure in yourself? She's vented on this board and yes maybe some points might be exaggerated but who really cares? It's her point of view. Don't you ever bitch about anyone behind their back with your friends? Don't let this become an obsession with you and take over your life.

Lifeontheoceanwave · 28/04/2018 07:26

Probably the wrong thing to do but I’d stay undercover and lay bait to get info out of her. Probably an attitude that’s led me to having councilking though lol

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 07:31

Reading all this makes me wonder how often posters use mn as a back-door way of communicating. Does anyone ever purposely post, knowing they aren’t anonymous to certain people in their lives? Kind of a passive-aggressive way of letting family/coworkers/exs/friends know they are offended

That was the explicit intention of a recent OP who didn't like a member of her toddler group. She was quite open about wanting the woman to identify herself and the OP, even inventing a code for the woman to use. If that's how it is, I don't see why you wouldn't just start the real life conversation itself.

PoorYorick · 28/04/2018 07:35

This happened to me too! My dhs ex posting stuff about my dh and my kids it was really odd she made up most of it, stuff that had never even happenedconfused

Then perhaps it wasn't her!

Teatogo · 28/04/2018 07:37

I've seen posters I could have sworn were me before, except through aren't because I know I didn't post them.

Fairly unique circumstances too... well at least that's what I thought

emmyrose2000 · 28/04/2018 07:53

I wouldn't say anything. Knowledge if power!

Prettylovely · 28/04/2018 07:58

@PoorYorick it was her, She stupidly mentioned names where she lived and that she had recently moved to (A small village) Hence how I picked up on it.
She also admitted it when I spoke to her about it.

WhiskeySourpuss · 28/04/2018 08:23

I think a lot of people are deluded about how unique their situations are - divorce, new relationships, issues with contact & maintenance are about as mainstream as it gets these days.

I know it's not me as I've never said anything about ex-h 2nd wife she's a total cunt though & I've always been complimentary about ex-p wife as she's great & we have something in common shite taste in men

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2018 08:24

I think a lot of people are deluded about how unique their situations are - divorce, new relationships, issues with contact & maintenance are about as mainstream as it gets these days

I know I’m unique. I like exH and his new wife 😆😉

Namechangedname · 28/04/2018 08:34

None of mumsnet is annonymous.

I remember years ago, that a poster got 'outed' in real life, because she had said something negative about a practice. The pissed off party had managed to link their email address/username to Twitter/Facebook, I think it was, thus outing them. (Correct me if I'm wrong).

Even if we do name change a thousand times, or change email, there are still those in the know that are privvy to this info. There will definitely be paper trails.

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 08:40

She's given away too much personal stuff, including a name on one occasion so there's no doubt.

Of course it's never fully anonymous, the mumsnet team all know who we are, but for the general user we can be pretty anonymous unless you give away too much.

OP posts:
Juells · 28/04/2018 08:43

In fairness to the other person I think the OP should let MN know which poster it is, so they can contact her and advise her to change names. I don't know how anyone could snoop like that on someone else, it's very unhealthy - and shows that the OP has no respect for other people's boundaries IMO.

Groovee · 28/04/2018 08:44

I'd try to forget about her. Easier said than done though.

Namechangedname · 28/04/2018 08:44

ihatethedentist, so what do you intend to do?

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 08:50

@Juells you have consistently made digs throughout this thread which I've ignored. You sound very holier than thou and wouldn't ever doing anything wrong which I doubt given your posts here. I have many boundaries and have stayed silent to ex wife despite wanting to put her right on a few things.

I'll probably email her and let her know.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 28/04/2018 08:53

In fairness to the other person I think the OP should let MN know which poster it is, so they can contact her and advise her to change names. I don't know how anyone could snoop like that on someone else, it's very unhealthy - and shows that the OP has no respect for other people's boundaries IMO.

Who are you talking to? The OP can read. Why are you addressing her as if she’s not here?

Original poster
ihatethedentist · 28/04/2018 08:56

Juells you also said "you wouldn't give a shit" as you don't say anything on here you wouldn't say in real life? So which is it??

OP posts: