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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

314 replies

LittleMysPonytail · 27/04/2018 14:47

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

OP posts:
magoria · 05/05/2018 18:56

Amazing how Saturday becomes family time when you want some time away and he has to step up to do some parenting.

He is a selfish arsehole.

You don't have to worry about 50/50 unless his parents will pick up the slack. I doubt he will even stick to EOW and 1 night during the week.

He has shown you exactly what he thinks of you and your family.

Motoko · 05/05/2018 18:57

Well, naturally, he doesn't give a toss about you and your DD, so it's time to kick him out. To save the marriage, he would have to radically change, and that's not going to happen, he couldn't even let you have a couple of hours to yourself this afternoon when he wasn't running.

Motoko · 05/05/2018 18:59

He won't do EOW because it will interfere with his running.

Riv · 05/05/2018 19:22

Hugs Flowers Wine
Why does he feel the housework is your problem? And the washing is yours as well? Surely it’s family washing and family housework so at least joint ( or isn’t many households mainly the job of the non-breadwinner ie his job not yours)

5amisnotmorning · 05/05/2018 19:23

OP I am sorry. I read your original post. I know you said you want to save your marriage but in all honesty I am not sure you had one if you never spent time together. It does soumd like he is looking for an out and picking an argument with you is an easy answer. You sound amazing and please don't think any of your requests have been unreasonable. He sounds like he would need to completely overhaul his life and his attitude in order not to be a selfish prick.

Riv · 05/05/2018 19:26

That last bit was rhetorical. Just wanted to say you are amazing. Stay strong. Hope you can sort this for yourself and your daughter.

mishfish · 05/05/2018 19:41

His timing was very convenient wasn’t it?

Don’t let him back OP. Then text him Wednesday night asking what time on Friday afternoon he is collecting DD for the week and that you’ll have all her uniform and kit ready for him and will collect her from school the following Friday.

MissReginaPhilange · 05/05/2018 19:47

Op I honestly read this with a heavy heart for you. Just wow....selfish isnt even a word that is strong enough to describe this behavior its atrocious . You are meant to be equals in a relationship and your far from it. He's using you like a bloody doormat to wipe his feet on as he comes and goes. Hobbies are healthy but this is obsessive. Surely spending time with his wife and daughter should make him feel amazing not bloody running away from it all. You deserve to be adored. Not ignored. Sorry lovely but he's checked out a long time ago

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 05/05/2018 19:55

Your DH is being a dick. We are a houseful of runners and live in a community full of runners and there are a teeny minority like your DH, who are v selfish but the vast majority fit runs in around family commitments. They run early or very late. They run during the workday and they have many gaps between races. You DH is taking the p.

TheHobbitMum · 05/05/2018 20:08

OP you have done nothing wrong here! You've been far more supportive than most women ever would be, he's playing you hut walking out hoping to keep control. He's expecting you to back down and let him come running back under his conditions. Tell him to fuck off! He's been a selfish twat for a long time.now and it's time for you & DD to come first. I wouldn't be surprised if another woman from the running club soon comes along though (the not being allowed near club tent ri ya huge alarms!)

Enjoy time with your lovely friend and let her know everything, she'll be a huge support to you Flowers

SnookieSnooks · 05/05/2018 20:40

Wow, 5k in under 20 mins - your DH probably counts as an elite athlete.

As a keen athlete myself, I know a few elite athletes and they have one thing in common - they are very self- centered. They have to be like this though because to reach their goals they have to live and breathe their sport. When they wake up on the morning they are thinking about it, and they never stop until they go to bed. It is far more than a hobby, it is a way of life.

My DP doesn’t like my sporting activities either but I am involved in family life. For example every Saturday, I go out before the rest of the family has woken up and do my sport. After that, I meet one of my DCs at their sporting activity and help out. I then bring the DC home.

Sometimes I do competitions too which take up the whole day. However, I do encourage my DP fo persue his interests.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 05/05/2018 21:31

But Snook, op said her h only started to run a few years ago - so he wasn’t like this when she met him, and this not what she bargained for.

ohfortuna · 05/05/2018 21:40

It may well be the case that in order to reach his goals he has to live and breathe his Sport, he may well be a good runner
someone else may be a good singer, a good actor, a good chess player but they are very unlikely to make a living out of these activities and so it all comes down to Self Indulgence doesn't it.
Once you start a family with someone your first duty is to your dependant child, if you want to devote as much time as possible to indulging yourself with various hobbies even if you are gifted or talented then don't start a family or wait until the children are grown up

pinkhorse · 05/05/2018 21:40

Sub 20 5 k is not an elite athlete! My 50 year old dp does this easily as do most of my running club. The top guys in my club are doing sub 16 at the minute and it's only just start of the racing season.

SnookieSnooks · 05/05/2018 21:41

Not trying to give an excuse for OP’s DH but perhaps a bit of an explanation for his POV. Also some thinking of how running and family life can together.

ohfortuna · 05/05/2018 21:43

I think the question of whether or not this guy is elite is besides the point
Does a sub 16 minute 5K justify pretending you don't have children?

ohfortuna · 05/05/2018 22:00

Devoting your life to running at the expense of your family is no more noble than devoting your life to tiddlywinks
he's not exactly curing cancer is he
He just wants to get out of the boring self sacrificing bits of being a parent
Lots of people are too selfish to make good parents that's fine but know thyself and if you're one of those people don't have kids

pallisers · 05/05/2018 22:21

but perhaps a bit of an explanation for his POV.

Lots of people have already explained it in the same terms you did. It isn't rocket science and it isn't confined to "elite" athletes - he is selish. As you said yourself, he is completely self-centered.

But still not sure how being an elite athlete is an explanation of his decision to throw a temper tantrum when his wife wanted to leave the house for 2 hours when he wasn't training though. He literally left his wife rather than mind his own child for 2 hours. what a boring fucker he is.

Heismyopendoor · 05/05/2018 22:21

OP I really feel for you. Your ‘D’H sounds incredibly selfish and I think we can all tell that it’s no coincidence that him throwing his little strop and running off to mummy and daddy coincided with you not being able to go out with your friend.

How can he change when he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem?

It sounds to me that you would be much better off being a single parent, you are pretty much already TBF. At least you should get some time to yourself when he has your DD, assuming of course he manages to step up to the plate.

flowerpott · 05/05/2018 22:23

Have just read this whole thread and I am so so angry on your behalf! If it was me, I'd pack up the rest of his stuff, send it to his parents and change the locks. Then get a solicitor on the phone.

You have been incredibly supportive: you have been responsible for bringing in double his income, flexible working around childcare, raising your DD and taking care of your home, all single handedly for however long, all of which means he's been able to indulge himself for so long without fulfilling any of his basic responsibilities as a husband and a father.

You've been to races and been shunned, you've put up with it, raised it with him gently and continued to put up with it: I honestly don't know how much more supportive you could have possibly been!

He is massively disrespecting you and your DD. He's an incredibly unsupportive husband, controlling and manipulating you and you (and your DD) absolutely deserve better. It's so sad that he's made you feel as though any of this is your fault. It is not!

HelenaDove · 06/05/2018 00:12

50/50 Yep Course he will Hmm

Cornishclio · 06/05/2018 00:42

He sounds incredibly selfish and it definitely does not sound like he makes you happy. Walking out and staying with his parents? I am sorry but I see nothing to admire in a man who ignores his family and acts like a spoilt teenager when reminded of his responsibilities. You said earlier you earn double his wage so why on earth is he moaning that you don't work hard enough or earn enough when he works less hours than you and earns half your wage. Get shot of him and take legal advice re child support etc. I also doubt he will pull his weight with parenting.

Cornishclio · 06/05/2018 00:50

Naturally, I’d like to save my marriage.

This only works if he wants to save it as well. Sadly he seems to have checked out.

esk1mo · 06/05/2018 00:54

i dont think he is in love with you anymore to be honest.

you can do so much better on your own.

AnathemaPulsifer · 06/05/2018 01:12

I think you said this is the second time he's stropped off to his parents'? And there's only a concern about family time when you're the one going out and yes the one left in charge of DD?

Don't let him back unless he accepts that there needs to be a serious rejig of what passes for family life. Why is cooking and cleaning and looking after DD all on you? What a fucking cheek.