AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like he has made the decision for you. See a solicitor next week.

I’m mostly bewildered by what he said. i know it was deflection. I know it was him reacting childishly to me daring to make any comment about running other than gushing over him for it. Still hurt to hear it all though. Obviously I’m not enough (for him).

And I do agree Happy. Except she’s now coming over for dinner with me and DD so that’s something. Not sure whether to talk to her or not. She is one of many that has been concerned about how much time he was spending on it. Don’t think she’d be that surprised.

I’m between numb and furious at the moment. You’re right Dot. The running was a symptom. I was, rather foolishly, seeing it as one issue that needed addressing to reestablish a balance in our lives.

I’m astounded at the complete selfishness and the contempt of me and DD as if we’re an inconvenience.

You are not being unreasonable me and my ex husband broke up mainly due to the fact that he thought he was training for the "olympics" training most nights during the week and competitions every weekend. He was a nice guy but I never saw him. This was 10 years ago and he still hasn't qualified bless him !

I agree that he did it so that you couldn't go out. He'll probably be back after Monday, but if I were you, I'd tell him to stay at his parents.

Don't ever feel that you've been unreasonable! This is all down to him.

Can your friend come to visit you?

Sorry I also replied before posting ! Your story sounds very similar to mine ! He packed a bag too (it was mine !) when I confronted him.
He also started going out with a woman from the club about a month afterwards so make of that what you will. I'm really sorry you are going through this

Ah crossposted, I see your friend is coming over. Tell her what's been going on, why wouldn't you, she's your friend.

Hope you've agreed which day of the weekend he is having your daughter so she gets this 'family time' with him that is so important!

This is so sad Little, although not so surprising.
Are you assuming he's gone to his parents? I would contact them and let them know - get your side of the situation out there.

Sadly time to make that appointment with the solicitor and tell him to call some estate agents.

Oh Sleepless! I didn’t think I’d be the only one. It’s just so sad.

I’m also thinking this isn’t actually about the hobby. It’s about the fact he only ever thinks about himself. Today was about him being inconvenienced.

He’s made no effort to contact me. I have no intention of contacting him unless DD asks to call him.

And I am going to tell my friend. He doesn’t get to flounce off and then think he can come back and everything be brushed off. I always back down to keep the peace but I just don’t want to this time.

So suddenly Saturdays are family time? If you get a chance, you tell him that he has no right to dictate family time afterwards neglecting you both for a hobby.

He did this to control you. He is the controlling one. He will be back after his run and will expect you to beg him to come home. Don’t. He wants none of the stress of a marriage and parenting but all the benefits. It doesn’t work that way.

I would wager he's not even at his parents. The not wanting you in the club tent, the total disinterest in his own family, the trying to shift the blame to you. I've seen it happen a few times this kind of thing. There was always a woman in waiting.

He went and packed a bag and didn’t say bye. That’s him being honest isn’t it?
no it's him trying to punish you for not doing what he wants, what he is saying is, if I dont get my own way I'll leave you.
He is counting on you backing down, he thinks you need him more than he needs you, he thinks he has the whip hand.

Good for you! Definitely don't contact him and don't get drawn into any discussion in which he tries to blame you for his behaviour. It's great that you will see your friend tonight. She can be a real source of support for you.

If he does contact you, perhaps you could tell him that you are willing to talk about your future together if he is genuinely interested in becoming an active member of the family. You could create a weekly calendar, with all necessary activities (work, DD's school, housework, etc.) and free time (including time for hobbies, family time, etc.). Sometimes a visual representation can be helpful. Then you could talk about which responsibilities each of you will take on. However, if he is defensive and refuses to make any changes or blames you in any way, you could stop the discussion immediately. This scenario depends on whether you actually want to continue the marriage, of course.

Stay strong!

Oh, and postpone any discussion until tomorrow at the very earliest. Don't let him sabotage your night with your friend.

Is he at his parents? Good luck with everything

He is a selfish prick.

I think he's insecure and taking it out on you. Sounds to me like he can't come with the fact that you have a job doing something you love and are great at. You earn more money than him and you manage to raise your child and do all the housework. You are quite frankly ducking awesome. Meanwhile he had a job he hates earning fuck all. He has to get his glory from running and he's pissed that you won't fawn over him for it. He has no fucking clue.

He has absolutely walked out to get his own way. Why is it only vital family time when you want to go out for once? What about when he wants to go to a race? It's not vital family time then is it?

He doesn't want you to have a life outside of the house and away from him. Probably because he knows you will quickly realise a life without him in it is far better. I say let him stay out. He's shown his true colours. He's choosing anything he can over you and your dd. You both deserve better.

hold on, I thought perhaps your going out had meant he couldn't race, but actually he's gone off in a strop because he doesn't want to spend Saturday with his daughter?
What did he think would happen once he had children?

There's 'him' time and there's ;family' time but there's no 'you' time. Because he thinks you're there to service his life. You're not the supporting actor. You're entitled to a life.

Don't let him talk you round.

absolutely don't let him talk you round.

make it very clear right from the get go that you are not backing down this time. he is banking on you doing this to keep the peace. he will just expect to swan back in on Monday or whenever and pick up where he left off. I would be changing the bloody locks personally to stop him swanning back but then I haven't had years of putting myself third behind him and his running.

ring his parents now. tell them that you know he is there and how this came about. he doesn't want it out there because its embarrassing.

sorry to say i do still think there is a woman behind this. what a lot of crap saying you cant come into the tent. Why? men only ever compartmentalise their lives for one reason and one only. turn your phone off, lock your doors and have a lovely evening with your friend and leave the answerphone on. he has such a shock coming to him when you don't capitulate like you always have done in the past.

write down what you want to say so he doesn't deflect and just use the broken record technique to get your point across.

Ah no fortuna, I simply wanted to nip out this afternoon for a couple of hours max.

He is at his parents. FIL text me to check I was ok (we’re really close) but I doubt he’d tell them what actually happened and to be fair neither of my ILs would want to get involved.

I think him doing this has actually reinforced my belief that I was being completely reasonable. I wanted us ALL to have fulfilling lives that were independent and also together.

I’m willing to talk but not yet and I don’t think I want him at home at the moment. Naturally, I’d like to save my marriage but also I’m not the slightest phased by the idea of being on my own. Maybe that means I’ve switched off a bit somewhere along the way too?

I’m not the slightest phased by the idea of being on my own

I think that give you a lot of power in this situation, he probably thinks you will do anything you can to hold onto him.

I'm sorry he's turned out to be an arse, I hope things come good for you one way or another :)

Please don’t let him back. Reply to fil ‘dh doesn’t want to be part of this family, it’s a bit hard to take right now, thanks for asking’
Can I rephrase your comment? Naturally, I’d like to save my marriage. Or, ‘Naturally, once I realised I was married to a selfish tosser manchild who didn’t care about either me or our daughter, I wanted out.’ Try that on for size.

He can put his money where his mouth is now then can't he? 50/50 he wanted? I'd be telling him he can get practising and collect his DD this time tomorrow for his half of the bank holiday weekend.

There's a truism which springs to mind here... "When someone shows you what kind of person they are... believe them."

This isn’t so much about his running it’s the fact he’s being a selfish prick, and putting his own wishes and wants before you or your dc. He wants to do what he wants and you to follow behind massaging his ego.

My ex used to have a hobby that meant we’d all have to be away for the weekend (note ex), and on one occasion I wanted to spend time travelling to an event with a friend so he’d travel up with dd. He got really arsey that he’d have no one to talk to (dd was v young) on his way up. That was the final straw for me. Not only did he want us to use up all our weekends watching him do his hobby but I couldn’t even travel with a friend