AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

Good luck op.

I have to say though, him booking another race this weekend after everything that's happened doesn't bode well.

I hope he listens.

Oh I know, the race this weekend is ridiculous for so many reasons. But I can’t get worked up about the time away because I’m actually more concerned he’s going to end up in hospital or worse and will be telling him so. Which regardless of what happens is not a reality that I want to face. He’s even asked me not to tell anyone else he’s doing it.

Running is a selfish sport if you have a family, it breaks marriages

I can't believe you are letting him back after ditching you and screwing your plans up for the whole weekend. Has he even seen his DD.

He got what he wanted and he will be taking up the weekend next weekend. He is walking all over you..

I'd say it's crunch time OP

I can't stand these people who get obsessed with hobbies, they turn into bores. Running is fantastic and yes nothng wrong with several times a week but some people go too far, especially when they have a family. The only thing that makes him happy?

1. Tell everyone he’s doing the race
2. Lock in when you can take a few hours. If he thinks it’s on you to change things say this is me changing things

Then you can talk. But I don’t think he means wants to stay married the way you do. I think he means wants to stay married because it means minimal effort, sex and a family on tap when it suits. This isn’t about you it’s about him. You really shouldn’t be forgiving the fact that he stroppped off to his parents rather than be a parent for a few hours. I think you should do a trial separation and give him eow.

OP, do you think he will dispute the exercise addiction is a thing... or at least that is pathological thing
Or do you think he will dispute that he has an addiction....that there is anything problematic about his dedication to running

Option 3, he says yes he has a problem and the op is making it worse / is responsible by nagging him about his family etc at a time when he needs help from her. If he does this his real problem is selfish-twat-itis and incurable.

Time, that’s spot on. It’s the same way he hides behind fundraising. Yes, it raises much needed funds for a cause so close to my heart but it’s then used to justify his running or he can’t be a bad person because he’s running this for x.

I am actually going to suggest a trial separation. At present I’ve set up our spare room for him and have printed out some possible rentals, written out a 5522 schedule for DD because he’ll insist on 50/50 and I’m not opposed to trialling it, and have already arranged for DD to go to CM more on my work days so that I can just work straight through til 5.

And I’ve texted our old cleaner for the details of who took over her work when she moved away.

When he is present and engaged he is still exactly the man I married. He is aware that he misses us. He just can’t accept that the running is the thing that has changed our family dynamic.

He got what he wanted and he will be taking up the weekend next weekend. He is walking all over you..

I agree with everything SunshineandRain18 said. I would have told him to stay at his parents, and made an appointment with a solicitor.

he can’t be a bad person because he’s running this for x
You could point out that Jimmy Savile did a lot of running for charity

Wow OP, he really is a piece of work! I think you are doing the right thing regarding a trial separation, although I would be tempted to drop the trial!

He sounds very selfish. And is using charity as a means of justifying the hobby that he wants to do. Parenting and life can be tough but he’s chosen to opt into it. He can’t back out because he’s bored or he wants to do exactly what he wants. It’s about compromise and at the moment he’s not.

But I can’t get worked up about the time away because I’m actually more concerned he’s going to end up in hospital or worse and will be telling him so.

You're a better woman than I am because at this point, I'd be more concerned about myself and my daughter. He is an adult. If he ends up in hospital because of his own actions, that is on him and there is nothing you can do to stop him (as you have found out)

honestly, I think he is blatantly playing you. He actually left you without a word and went home to his parents because you asked him to mind his child for 2 hours so you could meet a friend. He is now coming back but with another race for next weekend already scheduled.

It may well be that he is addicted to exercise - bummer if he is. The point about the people who live with addicts is at a certain point they realise it doesn't matter why the person is behaving as he does - rotten childhood makes you drink, chronic pain makes you pop meds, need for validation makes you obsessive runner - what matters is how the behaviour affects the family.

Have the chat but I'd be amazed if you got anything other than push back, maybe another run home to his poor parents, or vague promises to listen and understand with more races and runs planned.

I doubt he will ever understand how serious this is unless you tell him straight you are just about done with him and he has one chance to sort himself out, see someone for his issues, pull back the running and be there for his family. If not, you are done. I wouldn't be emotional or sad or anything just "here is where you are - those are you choices"

I'd have been done at the scuttling off rather than mind his child myself - how bloody dare he value her and you so little. You sound really nice. I realise that we are only hearing the bad behaviour and you have a whole history with this man that is way more nuanced but sometimes it takes an outside person saying "what the fuck - no one should live like that" to put the good/bad in the right perspective.

If I were you I'd tell your friend exactly what is happening. This thing of "don't tell anyone about the race" is either classic secrecy of addiction or a man who knows damn well he is behaving really badly, doesn't care if you know, but would like everyone else not to think badly of him.

This is sad reading OP

In my younger years I’d bite at any sort of criticism and it’s funny how he hasn’t got used to the me that listens and acknowledges.

My (otherwise lovely) dh does this too. I used to have a temper and fly off the handle in my teens/early twenties. Funnily enough in the last 15 years I've grown the fuck up and now never do this. But any time we have a disagreement I 'need to calm down' and 'stop shouting'. I'm really not - it just fits his narrative at that moment that I am. Either that or he's not bloody listening anyway.

Littlemys you have had some great advice on here and seem to be strong enough to deal with this.

I agree that if you don't lay it down to him, then nothing will change. Tell him that you want a separation with 50/50 childcare and don't let him wriggle out of that one. Let him see for himself how hard it is to do everything that you do, and find time for his running.

He will either see your point of view and want to sort things out, or you will find out that you don't want him around anyway.

I think you are taking the right approach op! I like the jimmy savill example ;) it isnt good enough to be a decent husband/ fatherin his hour of spare time a week after everything else in his life (and last weekend demonstrated he isn’t even that)

I agree your plan is a good approach - except for him having the spare room. There will be all sorts of reasons why he can't / shouldn't get a rented place, and then he can still go on his runs and races, even when he's meant to be caring for your DD as you're in the house. So it will not be a true 50:50 childcare arrangement, you'll still be keeping the house going, food in the fridge etc etc.
He has to want to change - I'm not sure the spare room will really bring the reasons to change to the fore.
Easy for me to say I know.

What's 5522?

Five weekdays each and two weekend days I assumed.

How's it going OP

I’m ok. Conversation went ok. He’s very shocked I want to separate as he had his own list of ‘what we can do to fix this’ which was when I realised I actually resent his spontaneous absences for running when my whole life is run to a tight and organised schedule. So today I have not worked, drunk all the coffee and read.

He tried very hard to get me to agree to just try the changes he’s suggesting but I need to know he can go back to being my partner who shares it all with me and I think living away and seeing him have to balance his life is the only way I’ll believe we can still do it together. I don’t know if that makes sense? I’m very sad right now, it’s not that there’s no love there, it’s not that there are no shared dreams for the future, but how life has been for the past couple of years is not sustainable.

Get ready to step into the next part of your life and live happily. Your OP can do 50/50 - that will certainly make him see parenting responsibilities that he didn't do before. You have your work and plans and these are as valid as your dh plans.

What was on his list?!