AIBU to ask DH to spend less time on his hobby?

[LittleMysPonytail]

A few years ago DH started running. Initially it was to train for the London Marathon to raise money for a charity incredibly important to my family. He trained hard, raised four times his target and ran it incredibly well. I was very proud of him.

But now DD and I are having to live around his hobby and it’s starting to become not much of a life.

We both work full time. DH does 8-4 and I work 11 hour days four days a week, with that time split around doing all school runs (unless DD is at the childminders), all the cooking, and the majority of the housework (which I spend my whole day off doing).

My work day pauses from 2.45 - 7.30 to focus on DD and the house. DH gets in from work at half four, eats a snack and then runs. Three nights a week is for an hour and a half, two nights a week is at club so he’s out running until 8.30-9, Saturday mornings are Parkrun and Sunday is at least two and a half hour run. Unless it’s a race weekend, then he’s gone all day.

Add on to that time stretching before, after and then his hour long soaks in the bath and I feel totally abandoned for his hobby.

I get that it’s important to him, I am proud of him for what he has achieved but we now have 0 family time. We have no couple time. And if he didn’t run every day, I wouldn’t have to start work again once DD is in bed - once he’s back I could say start again at 5.00 and not be working all the way up to bedtime.

I’ve asked him if he could take a step back. Focus on maybe one or two marathons a year rather than 10ks and halves near enough every other week. If he could maybe run in the mornings instead.

His response is that I’m being controlling and trying to get him to abandon the only thing that makes him happy. Except it doesn’t. He might feel good about himself because he can achieve his goals but he’s still snappy, miserable and moans about how his work life is unbearable but won’t do anything to change it.

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable? I just know that I miss my husband, DD misses her dad and we’re fed up of either doing nothing or doing something fabulous and my husband missing it because he has to train.

I am also a bit surprised that his parents allow him to decamp at theirs every time his is unhappy with you. You cannot make him behave like an involved father or decent partner, all you can do is set your thresholds. He is not acting like a kind or good man.

Hope you're doing ok OP and you enjoyed your meal with your friend.

Sounds like it’s for the best OP. You are lovely and he seems like a selfish user.

Good morning!

Thank you for all your replies. It’s helping me not feel so alone but not really anything to add. Not heard from him. Had a lovely evening with my friend, she wasn’t the slightest bit surprised though.

Taking DD out for brunch and a walk and then going to sit down and write some lists this afternoon.

Hope you are ok.

My parents' marriage split up because of an obsessive hobby. He missed a huge part of my siblings' lives and had an affair with someone at the hobby club. Dickwad. We don't speak to him much now.

He’ll either expect you to fight for him to come back or have it brushed under the carpet and carry on as if nothing happened.

When you have a think this afternoon, consider whether you want this to be the next 2, 5, 10 years of your life? At what point will YOU matter and how long can you continue until that time comes?

Don’t worry about other people’s perception. Some of your posts came across that people might think you’ve not been a good enough wife for him to stay with you. No one who knew the facts would think this. You’ve asked him to participate in family life, you’ve enabled him to have his hobby (and the glory), to be blunt he’s just really not that interested in being part of your family.

He is the one who doesn’t want a partnership - none of this is on you. You could draw up 3 charts - one showing how you spend your time, second showing how he spends his time and third who DD spends her time with. It will demonstrate how your life revolves around work and DD, his life revolves around work and running, DDs life revolves around school and you. Is that what you want for the next 5 years?

LittleMysPonytail - you sound really positive which is brilliant. well done you. Interesting that your friend wasn't surprised by this as clearly other people outside of the two of you can see what is going on. Writing things down is a good step because it keeps you focussed on something else. are you expecting him back today or not until Monday? If you don't want to change the locks or anything else can you make sure that you aren't there when he comes back - stay with a friend or family perhaps?

It needs two of you to want to save this marriage and the fact that he hasn't even bothered to message your child is hugely telling isn't it. Good luck with everything and when you do eventually get to talk to him make sure you have your words written down beforehand because he is going to try and manipulate this situation into "poor little me, all I wanted to do was run this weekend and you have done this!" don't let him.

I'd pack up the rest of his stuff and take it to his parents too. Then text him with a suggestion on contact arrangements for DD. Take control back.

What a prick.

It's are being left, even if you're psyching yourself up to maybe leave him, the idea that HE would leave YOU feels awful, know cos you back, and you instinctively try to change is mind. That's what happened to me anyway. But he's the one with the problem. You're in the right.

You sound like you are doing great OP! You and your DD really deserve so much more

STBX got into running and cycling. Same as your situation
I was left at home with the kids. He left me 10 months ago. He met the OW at running club.....

Also OP, l have read through the thread and couldn't help but laugh as it is what l went through and it just amuses me that these men think it is acceptable

Apparently he also left me as l was so boring and didn't do anything.

I immediately implemented EOW and half school holidays. Never forget his face. Also the poor lamb was most miffed that he wouldn't have as much AL to use on himself anymore

Tryingtoforge - well done to you. its sounds like its been tough but worth it. Completely agree with you about what you did regarding split care. you can offer a lot of support to the OP because you have heard all of this before, been there and done it.

what always amazes me is that men think that they are being so clever about it all! they don't realise that they are just reading off of a script that many men have used in the past and will do in the future.

they just work on the basis that they have ground the woman down so much that she will just take any old shit for the sake of the family. Just hope the OP can get her point across and realises that she is worth much, much more than this.

I have lost count of the number of threads on here like this where the wife/partner is deemed the boring one.

So he just walks out whenever he likes...I hope you won't just let him back op.

It very much reads he wants a wife and child but without any of the work or commitment that goes with it. There will always be a hobby that a prioritises.

Using his AL on a hobby that he excludes you from says it all!

When DH goes away with his hobby he does everything he can in advance to do his share of the load, always checks that it's ok with me etc.

Hope you are Ok OP. plenty of support on here if he has come home and you have had to deal with the fallout.

My Dh thanks me for the 2.5 hours he takes every sunday evening to play soccer and he makes sure the kids are bathed, teeth brushed and in bed before he goes.
I cannot believe he is being so selfish in taking so much time for his own pleasure. He is not even sheepish when you approached him about it? That takes a certain degree of self centeredness to be like that. I am sorry- not fair on you or your child.

play.bbc.co.uk/play/pen/gx75fj6kf9

Hope this link works, it's a quiz from Woman's Hour about how work, chores and free time are split in a relationship. It was pretty enlightening to me, although I suspect my DH would fill it out differently to I did.

He's a selfish asshole.

I'm so sorry, OP.

How are things today OP?

Things are ok. He’s coming back today. His race didn’t go as planned and I thought it would maybe bring him back down to Earth a bit but then had a text to say he’s booked in for one this weekend too as he ‘has to redeem himself’. At this point I’m actually more worried about his health and him being happy to risk it.

I have my list written and ready to discuss. I’ve managed to move some stuff around with work so I’ll be able to take a few days off to do whatever I want or need.

Still feeling a bit muddled really. He’s adamant he wants to be married but in the same breath it became clear he really has no idea how much I’m doing and thinks it’s on me to change that ie he has time for himself because he makes time rather than seeing it that for me and DD he’s prioritising himself. I’m generally quite self aware and I know my flaws, and work really hard to curtail them, but they’re not really relevant to the running/running away issue.

I’ve made a lot of compromises for him and have said I’m not sure if I’m willing to do that anymore for a man who won’t meet me halfway.

You know when you’ve had a row but you know it’s something that doesn’t really need a row, it needs a compassionate and empathy-filled conversation and the ability to know when you’re overreacting etc? That’s what this feels like. I don’t think it needs to be anything blazing. Just an honest discussion. I think what will make up my mind whether I stay or go will be if he actually listens to me or tries to go on the attack to deflect. In my younger years I’d bite at any sort of criticism and it’s funny how he hasn’t got used to the me that listens and acknowledges.

Well done, hope it goes well!

Good luck, OP.

I think you have to approach this as you would with any other addict. He has to be prepared to make changes himself, because you cannot do it for him.

I think what will make up my mind whether I stay or go will be if he actually listens to me or tries to go on the attack to deflect.

I think you should tell him this.

Absolutely re: addiction. In fact I’ve printed off some material regarding exercise addiction which to me is describing him completely.

I’m not expecting him to sit there and read it with me but I want to give it to him and just ask him to read it and see if he recognises anything or if it makes him feel defensive/angry/if he thinks it’s a pile of crap because of denial etc.

So he got his whole long weekend to do what he wanted and you didn't even get the few hours you asked for.

Now he is just waltzing back home having already booked himself up for next weekend which he stropped off as he wasn't happy about lack of 'family time'.

Good luck on the talk. Not holding my breath for you though.

He has made it clear what is important to him and unfortunately that is not your and DD.