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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
Flipertygibbert · 27/04/2018 21:52

That's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry. Also anger making! Lack of empathy😤. No one can imagine what it's like to go through what you've been through unless they've been through it themselves. Most mums I know would be kind. Join a group and slowly you will feel happier. Or quickly (giving out positive vibes to universe 💫). I really do wish you love and strength and forget these people who are not there for you. Glad you've got your sister❤️.
New week. Get out and be you, you and your baby have fun meeting lovely people. Because we are in the majority xxx

2andcountingtodate · 27/04/2018 22:14

It sounds like they are shit friends anyway if they make you feel like your poorly baby is in the way. Unfortuntly not only can having a baby make you realise who are your friends but having a poorly child also can. You find out who your friends are.

Its worse that they would do this knowing about your daughter and the stress and upset you have had. If the two are good friends then i would be honest with them (but be prepared they may step away too) then i would leave the watsapp group and cut off the others.

Flipertygibbert · 27/04/2018 22:26

Absolutely 2andcountingtodate , leave and never look back

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 22:35

Thank you both so much. You’re absolutely right. Best wishes to both of you and others who have offered support x

OP posts:
Flipertygibbert · 27/04/2018 22:53

Last word and goodnight Lily. I'm assuming your user name is taken from...Blazing Saddles! Yey, great taste lady .

He rode a blazing saddle
He wore a shining star
His job to offer battle
To bad men near and far
He conquered fear and he conquered hate
He turned our night into day
He made his blazing saddle
A torch to light the way

Hope I've got the right reference. Fab film and also we should all try to be more heroic and look after each other. I'm looking at myself also, i need to woman up big time .
Take care.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 23:53

@flipertygibbert

Yep, got it in one. Look after yourself. Xx

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 28/04/2018 00:15

You should have beans around a campfire 🤣

sockunicorn · 28/04/2018 02:01

@Lilyvonschtup OP, this may seem a stupid question but have you asked your friends? It seems SUCH a huge over reaction over £2. Especially after what you've said about hen do prices etc. So I am wondering if maybe either your sister asked for more than that (and you just dont know) or her wording maybe wasnt quite as innocent as she is saying? Your best friend may have had a different message or been told in person so may be repeating the wrong info back to you. The only thing I can see is that your sister handled it differently to how you're hearing and that's why they're pissed off. Or she said something that they thought came from you maybe?

It just seems such a weird thing that I can only assume there's crossed wires somewhere.

GruffaIo · 28/04/2018 03:08

@Zoe A shower is a gift given to you by your community (friends, church/synagogue/mosque members, coworkers etc) to help you and your family prepare for your new arrival- it is seen as rude to host a party that would benefit you and your direct family members.

My experience of baby showers in Canada (rural, not city, if that's relevant) is that they are very often hosted by family - the mum-to-be's mother, aunts, etc. who all bring some food to provide an afternoon tea, and attended by family and friends.

Weezol · 28/04/2018 04:21

You and your sister could go out for nice afternoon tea five times for £250.
To me, that seems a better use of money than a hen do. Tell the 'friends' to cluck off.

TammySwansonTwo · 28/04/2018 07:43

Good lord. People here are being ridiculous. But accusing people of being grabby is MN’s favourite sport so I’m not surprised.

I’ve been to countless hen dos, baby showers, birthdays etc that have involved going out for dinner or afternoon tea in a large group and I’ve never been to one where people didn’t have to pay for themselves, totally different set up to having a party at someone’s house. Just because someone invites you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to pay for yourself. People pay hundreds for ridiculous hen dos.

Your mates were willing to pay many times more for a spa weekend then spat the dummy because you wanted something more low key. They wanted to continue with a boozy hen do despite you being pregnant. They’re selfish - the events they wanted were about them, not you.

But yeah, everyone here will tell you that no one ever pays to go to a party arranged by someone else - not sure what planet these people live on to be honest, I’ve been to loads!

ittakes2 · 28/04/2018 07:49

I would have thought the £1-2 donation was weird and your sister was a bit of a nutter - but I would not have taken it out on you. It was only a couple of quid for goodness sake! It would make think twice about paying the £250. But to be far on them - I would check this was really the reason. I would just say “someone told me my sister asked for donations to the baby shower and I thought it was a bit odd - did this bother you?” And she what they say.

Pigglesworth · 28/04/2018 08:01

It's true that if you go out for an event (e.g. birthday dinner, hen's high tea) you would expect to pay for yourself and that has always been the case for things I have attended and I haven't been bothered; the issue for me specifically is that I've never been to a baby shower where I was expected to pay to attend, as its point (by virtue of its name) is to give gifts, so paying to give gifts would be annoying (for me). I have read that the OP asked for no gifts though. If it were presented as a "last hurrah" type outing and "please definitely no gifts, I insist" then I'd be more open to it perhaps but generally my friendship citcle is low key and tends to opt to do low-cost, low-fuss events at parks and houses which is my preference so I guess we're a good fit. 😊

But in all honesty OP, I think you sound nice and have had to deal with a lot of unwarranted flack here; ultimately I think it comes down to the fact that these people don't sound like good friends and maybe it's been important/illuminating for this experience to highlight that. Maybe they're more into meeting their own needs and having more of a "party" lifestyle. At least you've learnt that you have some friends and family more worth investing your time into. My experience is that "friends" like this don't change so better to find out sooner than later. Not bothering to meet your baby is an example of them not being good friends. I put in more of an effort for much less close friends.

Wishing you all the best!

Sadsnake · 28/04/2018 08:17

Asking for £250 towards a wedding is unreasonable

TammySwansonTwo · 28/04/2018 08:42

Out of interest, the hen party in question - is this one of the friends who didn’t come? One of the friends who hasn’t bothered to see you and your baby in six months? Hasn’t supported you while struggling with a baby with health issues?

One of my twins has a serious condition, we spent two months in NICU with him and it’s been tough since - I’ll tell you, you learn pretty quickly who your real friends are. All my support has come from my husband and from new twin Mum friends I’ve made. Other than that, a girl I barely knew at school moved back to the area from another country - we’d been in touch on Facebook etc but when she moved back she offered to come and help with the twins any time I needed it. She’s been round a few times and has been such a great support, whereas other “friends” that I thought would be supportive, I’ve barely seen or heard from, even when I’ve instigated. These are people I’ve supported through hard times. It’s really hurtful.

If by chance this bride came to your baby shower and is the one friend who’s seen your baby and she has been supportive to you, I’d find the money and go along with the hen do. Otherwise, not a bloody chance in hell.

Justanamechange · 28/04/2018 08:50

No. You're not being at all unreasonable.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 28/04/2018 13:08

They didn’t want to celebrate the pregnancy they wanted an excuse to get together and have ‘their’ kind of fun.
Pregnancy/weddings/babies are all boring to young free and single people. Is there any chance they have been sick of your grown up ‘chat’ for a while?
Real friends would have been happy for you and enjoyed celebrating, mediocre friends would have sucked it up even if it wasnt their idea of fun. These guys are truly crap friends.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 28/04/2018 13:54

I hate baby showers and would never go to one. However it really does not mean I'm not a real friend. One thing I've learned as I'm getting older is that life is too short to do things you don't want to do. I'm there in any way I can be if there is a crisis, or to hang out and have fun. I mean, I'll happily help a friend move and yay to meeting up for dinner, or coffee if one of us is a bit skint.

But real friends understand that time is precious and that it's ok to decline an invitation if it's really not your thing. Goes for hen dos as well. I've declined any hen do out of my budget or if it centres around activities I hate..!

Saying all that, your friends would have been better off being honest with you if they just didn't like the idea of a baby shower, or if it was too expensive. It does sound more likely that your DSis was being a bit of a CF though, rather than all your friends being rubbish..

TomRavenscroft · 28/04/2018 14:20

The friends who didn’t turn up will not talk to me about it to give me their version

Hang on, so you still see them even though they dodged your shower and still won't discuss it? Fuck that for a game of soldiers, OP; you deserve better friends than them!

ittakes, 'It was only a couple of quid for goodness sake' but you 'would have thought the £1-2 donation was weird and your sister was a bit of a nutter'. Nutter? Weird? over a couple of quid? Confused Hmm

Bekstar · 28/04/2018 18:00

I've never heard of having afternoon tea for a baby shower. But £5 deposit for an afternoon tea is pretty acceptable and asking for donations of a couple of quid each for decor would have been fine. I however would have probably spoke to a few friends first to see if they thought the afternoon tea would have been a good idea. As normally a baby shower tends to be a party in the house and doesn't occur any spending barring gifts and a few nibbles in my view. But I also think your friend expecting you to pay £250 for attending a hen do is far too much. If its something you want to do fine, but it can't be expected and you'd be entitled to say it was too much and that you won't be able to make it. I think your sisters only problem was not thinking about who would be attending and what their views were. If they had agreed to afternoon tea then they should be prepared to pay but if they thought it was too much then maybe its not their scene. I know I always thought of afternoon tea as an expensive waste of money aimed at old people. You also mention deposit and the donation for the decor but no mention of he balance for afternoon tea and it could be that that they are bothered by.

BennyTheBall · 28/04/2018 18:00

This is one of the many reasons why baby showers should be banned.

Joanna57 · 28/04/2018 18:12

Very bad manners to ask money for a baby shower.

People coming to a baby shower usually bring a present anyway.

I paid for my daughter's baby shower. Her best friend would have been organising the bunting etc.

But I have had to cancel it as my GS was born 10 weeks earlier than planned.

So we have a arranged a 'welcome to the world' party instead, at the same place for the same price, when mother and baby are both out of hospital :)

Joanna57 · 28/04/2018 18:16

Bekstar

It is quite reasonable, and popular, to have a baby shower elsewhere, other than the home.

My daughter does not have the room, or the want, to do it at her house.

I have the room, but prefer my home to be private.

So a lovely local tearoom, with a delicious cream tea and prosecco, is a far better option.

Only £180 for 20 people, no washing up/tidying up etc etc.

Bargain all round.

Cutesbabasmummy · 28/04/2018 18:42

I think baby showers are a bit cheeky anyway. It's enough to expect people to come and buy you a gift let alone contribute to the day itself. So I think YABU.

TomRavenscroft · 28/04/2018 18:47

I however would have probably spoke to a few friends first to see if they thought the afternoon tea would have been a good idea

I think your sisters only problem was not thinking about who would be attending and what their views were. If they had agreed to afternoon tea then they should be prepared to pay but if they thought it was too much then maybe its not their scene. I know I always thought of afternoon tea as an expensive waste of money aimed at old people.

Fuck’s sake. Have you not read the thread or are you hard of comprehension? They all AGREED to the tea and the cost. And it’s something they’ve done as a group to celebrate things in the past.