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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 28/04/2018 19:09

Thank you @TonsRavenscroft

I personally have given up responding now as it’s like trying to play chess with a pigeon - doesn’t matter how well you do or how a hard you try, the pigeon will just shit all over the board and strut around like they won the game. I just can’t keep repeating myself to people who don’t bother to read the thread before posting.

I wholeheartedly thank all of you who have offered support and genuine advice. X

OP posts:
manicmij · 28/04/2018 19:19

Firstly would avoid baby showers at all cost, just can't see the point I them. Secondlydobt go to the expensive hen do if you can't afford it or question why such a cost.

LondonMrsA · 28/04/2018 19:27

They’re not your friends. You’ll meet new people now you’re a Mummy. Mazel Tov.

DanglyEarOrnaments · 28/04/2018 19:28

I personally have given up responding now as it’s like trying to play chess with a pigeon - doesn’t matter how well you do or how a hard you try, the pigeon will just shit all over the board and strut around like they won the game. I just can’t keep repeating myself to people who don’t bother to read the thread before posting.

That is the best summary of MN at it's worst that I have ever had the privilege of reading.

I couldn't agree with you more and I think friends should be there for you without 'conditions' attached about a couple of pounds 'on principle'. That is shit!

ktp100 · 28/04/2018 19:32

I know lots of people who are very anti baby shower, nevermind contributing to hosting costs. Most people who already have kids had to pay out for everything for them themselves and don't want to buy any of it again, especially for someone else! It's a very new (and American) concept and not everyone is convinced. As for hen do's, I've found that 'contributions add up really quick for those! There are very few people in the world I'd pay out £250 quid to get pissed with!

Serin · 28/04/2018 19:47

OP, its not your friends.

Serin · 28/04/2018 19:47

OP, its not your friends.

myrtleWilson · 28/04/2018 19:49

Lily - sorry some of your friends have turned out to be less than stellar in friendship terms and that you've also encountered a fair number of posters who apparently have not the time nor inclination to read your posts Blush

How is your daughter doing now - will her health issues be resolved in short term or are they something you'll have to cope with for a while? No need to answer if you don't want to. Your sister sounds like a great support to you. Flowers

MayCatt · 28/04/2018 19:53

For goodness sake. It was £2. What kind of friend gets their knickers in a twist about that. The idea that they would hurt you for the cost of a cup of coffee is ridiculous.

Your friends are BVU. Awful behaviour.

2andcountingtodate · 28/04/2018 19:59

Did you decide about the hen and if to say anything to them yet Lily? Look after yourself, i hope your dd is doing ok today.

2andcountingtodate · 28/04/2018 20:01

MayCatt from the sounds of things they arent friends, they just like upsetting the OP. First by not caring about her poorly baby and then by treating her like crap.

Nice analogy with the coffee, just so very sad.

Original poster
Lilyvonschtup · 28/04/2018 20:17

To be honest, discussing it on here has made me be truly honest with myself and realise things that I’ve tried not to think about. It’s the first time I’ve said (or wrote) what actually happened - like I was explaining it to myself.

So no, I won’t be going to the hen. I’ve realised that the 5 friends who didn’t bother should no longer be in my life. I am willing to see them at a mutual friends gathering and be civil but that’s where it ends. The 2 that did show up - we’ll see what happens. I’d like to remain friends with them but I understand that they have nothing in common with me anymore and are already drifting (making me feel like my baby is in the way/not coming to my house unless DH and DD are “out of the way”) - the ball’s in their court. If they want to be my friend they have to accept my family too.

Thanks for the concern for my daughter - she has dairy allergy and severe reflux which was undiagnosed until 4 months. Unfortunately, by this point she’d Developed a feeding aversion and ended up tube fed for a while while we taught her to ‘trust’ food again. We’re still working on it but she’s off the tube and doing well. She trusts the spoon now we’re weaning so it’s a massive help lol xx

OP posts:
ToPlanZ · 28/04/2018 20:20

OP I think the money thing is a total red herring. They were planning to spend a lot more on a spa day. The difference is that spa day was a jolly for them. Perhaps they already had their nose out of joint that is had been scaled back to an afternoon tea and it was your sis doing the organising. It seems like they had one plan in their heads and when you finally got involved and tried to make it more affordable and inclusive it just wasn't glam enough anymore and the teeny optional donation is just an excuse. I don't think YABU to have hoped that true friends would have taken it in their stride but they are in a different place in their lives, kids change a lot. Our bank balances, our energy levels, the girth of our hips and our circle of friends. Take a deep breath, enjoy your baby and make the effort to find friends with a similar mindset and hopefully that will be a lot more rewarding for you

BewareOfDragons · 28/04/2018 20:26

I think your friends suck, frankly.

Contributing a couple of pounds to decorate the party and give you flowers is nothing.

But to expect you to fork out several hundred pounds to take them out for a hen night/weekend (and it will be; there will be more expenses along the way, there always are) shortly after ... Wow.

The CF isn't your sister. It's your friends.

2andcountingtodate · 28/04/2018 20:31

Poor baby and poor you, it sounds so very upsetting and stressful- a time when you really could use your friends.

Im glad things are looking more positive for your little one. Its a horrible realisation losing friends but when they add no value and just upset to your life..fuck 'em. They aren't worth holding true to.

Belindabauer · 28/04/2018 21:08

Op
Hope you are ok.
I think you will find other friends as you wander along different paths in life.
Your "friends" had agreed to pay for afternoon tea, a couple of pounds towards flowers is nothing.

I wouldn't be going on the hen do either.

SingingOutOfTune · 28/04/2018 21:36

Maybe your friends weren't happy with your sister taking over the organisation? You said it was their idea initially?

LiteraryDevil · 28/04/2018 22:06

I think your so called friends are really shitty. Even if they were offended by whatever your sister said or asked for, true friends would have looked past that and concentrated on the fact the baby shower was for you. Or maybe they'd have thought "Her sister is trying to organise something special for Lily with this baby shower and must be struggling financially to have had to ask for contributions. It's only a few quid and it's more important that Lily has a great time so I'm happy to pay it." Maybe your sister was embarrassed to ask but wanted to make sure you had a nice time so buried her pride and did it for you. Maybe she messed up with the wording or whatever but I really don't think true friends would not come because of it. Fuck 'em. With friends like that, who needs enemies as the saying goes.

browneyes77 · 29/04/2018 00:10

I really feel for you OP, you’ve had some quite harsh comments on here from people who seem not to have read any of your posts (or failed to understand them).
It seems crystal clear to me.
You didn’t want a baby shower but agreed to one, provided it was scaled down from the £175 spa weekend originally planned by your friends.
Your sister organised, on behalf of and with the full agreement of the others, an afternoon tea at £25 per head in a smart location. (I paid the same price recently, three tiered cake stand with all sorts of treats, I though it was worth it).
She paid £5 per head deposit upfront and asked for reimbursement from your friends. She also asked them for a VOLUNTARY contribution towards the decor and other paraphernalia of £1 - £2.
They got the hump about this extra bit and decided “on principle” not to go

^^This

Either people can’t be bothered to RTFT before commenting or they just can’t read at all.

OP I think your friends sound like they agreed to the afternoon tea when they really didn’t want to do it. What they really wanted was a bit of a girly piss up.

If they were prepared to spend £175 on a spa weekend that THEY originally suggested, then how in the hell is a £25 meal, a gift (that they didn’t have to buy) and an optional £1-£2 (that they didn’t have to give) going to make them go ‘over the edge’ due to ‘escalating costs’ when it’s actually saving them a shit load of money?

And what it’s a crime now to want your family at the celebration of you being pregnant? FFS.

Seriously, some of the people on this thread giving you flack should give their heads a wobble.

itsbetterthanabox · 29/04/2018 01:07

Maybe your sister shouldn't have asked for the money. But to just not go is so horrible of them. Who were they making the 'principle' to? Your sister? But it's you it would hurt not her.
Why not just say I can't contribute more. It's not necessary.

Soulstirring · 29/04/2018 07:36

What a sad situation for you. Your friends were very mean. For the sake of £2 I’d just pay for a friend no problem. I agree with others, make new friends. I’ve got some lovely genuine new friends through my sons new school since moving. Similarly, friends who hadn’t had children at the same time I did but now have have become good friends again now after drifting apart due to our different circumstances. You don’t need people in your life who don’t care enough to support you be that at your baby shower or in the difficult months afterward.

Just as an example baby showers don’t need to be gifty. With my first I didn’t have a baby shower, with my second my sister arranged one as a surprise. A lot of my friends and work colleagues attended on the proviso I didn’t want or need a gift. We had Sunday lunch and it was lovely to all get together and have fun.

SweetCheeks1980 · 29/04/2018 08:09

When my daughter had a baby shower it was paid for mainly by her sister but her dad and I chipped in, and various family members made food items. The biggest expense was a bouncy castle and ball pit as we didn't want youngsters to get bored.
As for presents guests were asked to bring a childrens book that they had loved with a little message inside. Some didn't bring a book but that was fine.
The guests weren't asked to contribute any money though. That seems a bit rude.

nottwins · 29/04/2018 08:16

I do think your sister got it wrong in asking even for voluntary donations towards (in part) another gift for you that your family wanted to give.

As a PP said, why would the rest of the group feel uncomfortable about that? Saying that the friends can donate to avoid this 'uncomfortable' feeling, implies that they ought to feel uncomfortable and makes them feel bad if they don't donate. I suspect it was this unintentional emotional blackmail that put their backs up.

They were already (I assume) planning to get a gift, albeit after the baby was born as per your request and to feel guilted into contributing to another present might have felt a bit much.

It would have annoyed me but, having said that, I would either have just not donated or paid up because it was such a tiny amount. The fact that they stropped en masse speaks volumes I'm afraid.

The rest of the 'shower' plans sound fine to me - all agreed with the group, within original budget and a nice occasion for everyone. Sometimes, even if you don't agree with the principle of baby showers (I don't), it can be a nice excuse for friends to get together. I honestly think it was the implication that they ought to pay for an extra present that wasn't their idea that was the final straw.

Congratulations on the birth of DD and hope that her health problems soon become a distant memory.

Booie09 · 29/04/2018 08:19

Why do people need a baby shower?? Do people have to buy two presents?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/04/2018 08:48

Op, your "friends" sound really shitty. Getting stroppy over £2, relating to a do that they insist you have, is crap, especially since one of the shit friends is asking for £250 for a hen do.

TBH, I think they were just using the baby shower idea as an excuse for a boozy spa day, then got in a huff when you said you didnt want it.

Bin them all off.

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