Are my friends unreasonable?

[Lilyvonschtup]

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

I agree with charlie, although maybe not the way she put it. I think the friends were offended because paying for afternoon tea and bringing a present is okay. But asking on top of that for decorations plus money for a second present (flowers and champagne) takes the piss a bit.

Basically having a shower follow the American tradition of giving presents before the birth. If you choose to do that then you don’t also get to follow the British tradition and expect presents after the birth in the form of flowers and champagne. You may well get some, which is nice if it happens, but to enforce an expectation of following both traditions to double your presents is going to piss people off.

That said, I would think most people would have given a couple of quid anyway to keep the peace. I suspect the fact they didn’t means that in some way either the OP or her sister have upset them in the manner it was dealt with. Otherwise I really can’t see why almost everybody would be pissed off.

It's all give give give by the people invited and take take take by the OP. Pay for your tea, pay for a present and pay for decorations and pay for bottle of champagne. Baby shower is you get something to eat and drink and you buy a present for the baby. . It's not rocket science. If you want to make it into something else then don't get all offended if people get annoyed.

Can someone tell me if there is a filter that will only allow literate people to see your posts?

OP

Viviennemary if you read the thread, you'll see that the OP asked for no presents, so she isn't at all grabby. The friends wanted a much more expensive spa weekend. And now the OP is being asked to fork out £250 for a hen do. So how is the OP being the one who takes, takes, takes??

5 friends didn't go plus the two that did and your sister makes 8. Bull that they were only asked for 1-2 pounds each for decorations, champagne and flowers. Because £16 wouldn't get any of those -unless from the local garage or poundshop- never mind all 3.

I have read the thread and posted on it at the beginning. Why is it that because somebody doesn't agree with the OP it means they haven't read the thread. No. It means they don't agree with the OP.

I didn't mean to be snippy with you TrippingtheVelvet. The spa weekend and hen weekends are completely separate events.

But bear in mind that the 'baby shower' was months ago. The friends haven't supported the OP at all with her baby, who has had health problems. Now she's being asked to fork out £250 towards a hen do. That's wrong on all levels. If they don't want to be friends anymore, that's fair enough (it sounds like the OP's sister did mishandle it), but they're now wanting her to fork out for the hen do. That makes it seem like they're friends when it suits them.

Or are you determined to see the OP as being in the wrong regardless of the facts, @Viviennemary ?

@Viviennemary

Did you skip the part where I mentioned that my friends decided with my sister in a WhatsApp group that the tea should be informal, in the hotel and everyone pay for their own meal? Nobody changed it for them to get offended!

@Lilyvonschtup , yeah the filter is just to the left of the one that filters out people that get the hump about being told they are unreasonable in the AIBU section.

I didn't think you were Snippy. I've read the entire thread but still think the OP was unreasonable. But then when posts seem to be disingenuous or economical with the truth, it automatically gets my back up and makes me doubt their innocence.

@Trippingthevelvet I think you may have skipped sections too. 20 were invited. Everything was already bought and my friends were asking if they ‘wanted’ to be involved in giving for flowers.

I still think donations for decorations and a present for OP was cheeky even if it was optional But put it down to a misunderstanding as to what a baby shower is and what is expected. That's not what I'd expect. I don't think I'd have gone either under the circumstances. And if you don't want to fork out £250 for a hen do then don't. I wouldn't either.

OP could it be possible that your sister/family took over the conversation about the baby shower and maybe shot down some ideas of your mates who then agreed to the tea thing because they knew they weren't getting anywhere?

Then the extra few quid being asked just tipped them over the edge as it was now nothing like they had planned for you and every decision had been taken over by your family?

Sometimes we don't see our nearest and dearest for what they are if we are very close. I do feel that they are the reason for the friends all not turning up although that's a shame for you.

Don't go to the Hen do, it's ridiculous after what they did. But also aim to make new friends who have the same kind of priorities as you as it will just hurt more and more when they plan things that exclude you/your DD as their lives are completely different from yours now.

Apologies if I've skimmed past that in the middle. 2pound just seems really odd. How many did go in the end? Enough to have a lovely time I hope.

I think your friends are mean spirited. It was only £5/£7 pounds and they were going to eat the tea.

@BarbraDear I have gone over every possibility, believe me! I even briefly fell out with my sister over it. In the end, the 2 friends that went told me exactly what the conversation went like (and they want me to try and see it from the point of view of my other friends) and it is completely the same as my sister’s version. The friends who didn’t go haven’t offered an explanation, even when asked so, no, I don’t think my family took over.

@Trippingthepoint no worries about a misunderstanding. Yes, there were 15 in the end and it was a lovely day. Thanks

Why is this even a thing nowadays?

So much hassle over a fecking tea party.?

My kids are early 20's & we hit the beginning of OTT party bags, proms at primary school as well as secondary etc.

I was appalled by the complete waste of money and over the top materialism, esp as I was a struggling single mum.

Thank God we didn't have this dreadful custom too, I miscarried several times before DC came along, what happens if the week after the shower the mum lost baby? Surrounded by reminders of what was not to be in the house? I was in bits in the nappy aisle of ASDA or saw a display in Mothercare when I blundered down the wrong turning for weeks.

I just think keeping celebrations until after the birth is a much safer & kinder option - why do we HAVE to follow the US blindly & not keep our British customs ?! (Disclaimer- I love the states & have many friends there, but lets leave them to to it)

Let's dissect this and forget the reason for the get together.

Friends invited to your party and it may cost the max let's say £30. They object.

Friend invites you to their party and the cost is £250. Your choice what you do but I'd not go and I wouldn't go to the wedding either.

And in answer to your question yes your are BVU!

*backsaccraic, that’s got me thinking actually. The OP says she is the first to get married and have a baby/mortgage etc so I wonder if that’s part of the reason?

OP, how much was your hen? Was your wedding a costly one to attend? Did you have a housewarming?

Perhaps from there POV this was one in a long series of events and costs and it was the straw that broke the camels back?

Perhaps from there POV this was one in a long series of events and costs and it was the straw that broke the camels back?

Except the OP has stated several times that her friends originally wanted to arrange a spa weekend for her baby shower at a cost of £175 each.

The OP said that was too much money for everyone to pay out and suggested they do something less costly, which her friends agreed to.

I struggle to see how an afternoon tea at £25 per head, optional baby gift and an optional £1-£2 would genuinely be something that broke the camels back, when her friends wanted to do something far more expensive in the first place for her baby shower and she saved them a load of cash by insisting they did something that cost less. So they were happy to fork out £175 originally when they were organising it, but once the cost is dramatically reduced, an extra optional £1-£2 is too much? Baloney.

IMO these girls wanted a piss up, they were narked that the OP can’t do all the girly drunken stuff they’re used to doing because she now has a child as her priority and used the extra couple of quid they were told was OPTIONAL, as an excuse not to go. And didn’t even have the decency to advise the OP or her sister because they knew it was a pathetic excuse.

I agree that your sis may have got this a bit wrong asking for donations.

However imo your friends have been very childish about it. Surely the correct thing to do would be to have a conversation with your sis or you about it before just boycotting the whole event. After all you are meant to be a friend. As for the hen party I would speak to the person about how you feel and try to mend the situation. Don't miss out if you really want to go. Not point cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Okay dontforgetyourtowel, I expected people who felt it might apply to them to perhaps be challenged. But not someone who says it doesn't apply. At least I didn't personally call anyone names, such as 'priggish'.