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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my friends unreasonable?

351 replies

Lilyvonschtup · 27/04/2018 10:24

Hi all

So my baby shower was planned by my sister (this was last September) and she organised a lovely afternoon tea. She messaged all of my friends and family to tell them that their deposit was £5 for theirs but any donations (£1 or £2 each) towards banners/decorations and a bouquet for me would be welcome but there was no pressure.

All but 2 of my friends said they couldn’t go (to my sister, they never told me) without explanation. My sister was embarrassed and asked me if I’d fallen out with them. Not having a clue what was going on, I went to my best friend (who was still going) and asked what was going on. She told me they were all offended that they were asked for a donation and refused to go on principle.

I then had to go back to my sister and explain but I made it clear that I didn’t want any fuss and I didn’t want her to change anything for their sake but neither did I want anything spent on my account.

I can’t help but feel that my friends put me in a horrible situation over a poxy £1 or 2.

I uninvited them myself before they had a chance to tell me anything themselves but now I’m not sure where are friendships lie. Do I want them as friends? This is coming up now because it’s one of their hen dos and I’m being asked for £250 for my part. I don’t mind spending on friends but I’m the only one out of them with a mortgage and a family.

Any help would be appreciated. X

OP posts:
2andcountingtodate · 29/04/2018 09:09

Seriously read the updates at the least.

Devora13 · 29/04/2018 09:32

Firstly, tradition or whatever, if the afternoon tea was in a restaurant then £5 plus a voluntary donation seems more than reasonable. If it's in a home, well that's another matter. What bothers me about this most is that it sounds like your alleged 'friends' were quite happy to let you down over something your sister may or may not have done without a word of explanation.

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 09:43

Wow, I've read the whole thread and you've had a totally unnecessary roasting, MN AIBU at its worst. It wasn't clear, though, from the OP that what's going on is that your 'friends' have been really shitty and totally unsupportive, despite the fact that you've had so much to deal with, with infertility and then a poorly baby, and you didn't want lots of presents or fuss. Your sister could have handled it better, but what an overreaction.

The reason this has come up now is the hen do and the request to pay £250. They're the ones that are entitled, not you. I'm glad you decided not to go in the end, they're not really friends. I also lost friends when getting married and then when adopting our DDs, it sucks but you do make new friends.

I'm glad your DD is doing better. Thanks

Devora13 · 29/04/2018 09:47

Wow, some incredibly nastily behaved people on here who seriously need therapy! I'm a moderator in a group and I'd be seriously deleting comments and muting some of these people, or even chucking them out of the group for their total inability to interact socially. Load of self centred judgmental saddos.

GabsAlot · 29/04/2018 10:25

theyre not friends-wouldnt bother me if someone asked for a voluntary donation for a bouquet

to not even come and see you and your baby is unforgivwable-hope shes doing beter now

toomuchtooold · 29/04/2018 10:48

I've just come on here after the fuss has all died down and I agree with DanglyEarOrnaments that your description of pigeons triumphantly shitting on a chessboard is the best ever description of AIBU at its worst.

I'm not clear about the "etiquette" or whatever of baby showers or hen nights but someone whose nose is out of joint over 7 quid total then asking you to contribute 250 quid to a hen night is taking the piss and is for whatever reason looking for a way to break up the friendship while being able to blame you. You're well rid.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 29/04/2018 10:58

Devora I am also a moderator in a group online. And calling others self centred judgmental saddos would get you blocked in my group :/ practise what you preach please.

Charlie97 · 29/04/2018 10:59

So you are having a baby? The guests are to

  1. Pay for their own afternoon tea
  2. Pay for decorations
  3. Supply you with flowers and champagne
  4. Buy a present for the baby

Sorry totally ridiculous! What ever happened to buying the baby on birth a nice baby grow or outfit.

Why would you receive flowers because you're pregnant?

I think I'm getting old!

TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 11:33

Charlie, you must be taking the piss. No one can actually be that thick.

Squidgy78 · 29/04/2018 11:48

Not sure about everyone else but I am sick of the sight of Philip Schofield popping up on every program and now adverts - not to mention his sidekick Holly Willoughby who is here there and everywhere - for goodness sake TV people - find some fresh talent grrrrr

llangennith · 29/04/2018 12:05

You didn't have a baby shower. A baby shower is a hosted and gift-giving event. And never hosted by a family member of the mum to be.

You wanted a casual afternoon tea celebration with your friends where everyone paid their own way.

Exactly.

Charlie97 · 29/04/2018 12:37

@TomRavenscroft , I don't understand what you mean?

TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 12:40

The OP has addressed all the issues of cost many, many times.

The 'friends' agreed to the tea and the cost and the OP/her sister specifically said 'no presents'.

If you haven't understood that yet, you haven't read her posts, have failed to understand them or are being deliberately obtuse.

Charlie97 · 29/04/2018 12:44

@TomRavenscroft , my point is still the same!!!!!!!!!!

Presents for person because they're pregnant!! WTF????

No presents for baby at baby shower? Presumably they'll buy a present when the babies born?

Therefore all of my thread still stands. I personally think the baby shower stuff is ridiculous!

Lizzie48 · 29/04/2018 12:48

But the thread has moved beyond that. Whatever we think about the baby shower idea, the friends have been very unkind since then, during a very difficult time for the OP. She's now being asked to fork out £250 for a hen do, after they abandoned her and weren't even interested in meeting her baby. That's far more entitled.

TomRavenscroft · 29/04/2018 12:49

Presents for person because they're pregnant!! WTF????

THE OP SPECIFIED NO PRESENTS. Yes, I'm shouting. I don't know how else to get that across at this point.

No presents for baby at baby shower? Presumably they'll buy a present when the babies born? I don't know. Isn't that up to the individuals?

I personally think the baby shower stuff is ridiculous!
Irrelevant. The point of this thread is that this OP was having a baby shower. The content and cost were agreed to by her 'friends'.
Then they had a group strop and flounce because of the non-issue of a quid or two.

FWIW, I think baby showers are a bit ridiculous too, but that doesn't matter. The point here is the 'friends'' behaviour.

15star · 29/04/2018 13:02

Ok I have read pp. They aren't your friends anymore don't go to the hen, they will probably leave you out all weekend anyway. It's hard being the 1st to have a baby, they don't really understand it but I would just let the friendships go. Try and make new friends at baby groups.

BedtimeTea · 29/04/2018 13:30

If I was one of the five who didn't want to chip in for flowers, I would still go to the shower. I'd just say no thanks to group flowers. It was rotten of them to not even bother to cancel, who needs friends like that.
As for the hen do coming up, they must live in some bizarre world to think you'd come after treating you like that.

Booie09 · 29/04/2018 13:49

If they agreed to the £5 then they can't argue as for the £2 for banners if they got the arse about that then Fuck them they are not your real friends! Save the £250 for the hen do and have a Mini break with your sister.

Devora13 · 29/04/2018 14:38

Whatever you do in your group Dontforgetyourtowel is entirely up to you. But anyone who responds so viciously to what is a simple request for advice should surely be able to take a few home truths themselves. I didn't name any individuals, unlike the haters who are specifically posting the OP. I don't think anyone who has given a kind and supportive response would have any reason to feel defensive.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 29/04/2018 14:41

Devora13 everything is ultimately a response. Your name calling was a response, in your eyes a righteous one, but you're not more right than the people you're accusing. If you want to be taken seriously, please do not resort to name calling yourself.

Devora13 · 29/04/2018 14:47

expatinscotland I take it then you didn't read about the 'friends' wanting the 'baby shower' to be a £175 spa weekend?

Devora13 · 29/04/2018 14:48

Dontforgetyourtowel who is it you think I am accusing?

Charlie97 · 29/04/2018 16:12

@TomRavenscroft, I made you shout?

Dontforgetyourtowel · 29/04/2018 16:29

Devora I have no idea - I'd have to go back through the thread. I know it's not me cos I didn't call anyone any names. But, I do believe that whilst calling the OP names is rude, calling 'some people on here...' making it quite clear who you mean as you describe their actions (about 3 or 4 people I guess) self centred judgmental saddos is equally rude. But in addition it is cowardly and passive aggressive. So yeah, no need to be priggish.