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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry DH won't come back

161 replies

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:06

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

OP posts:
FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends · 27/04/2018 10:10

I don't really understand this. What happened between you that your husband thinks it's acceptable to withhold affection from you? I couldn't live like that.

bonbonlavie · 27/04/2018 10:11

Everything is not better.

He needs to give his head a wobble. He either puts the effort in or you separate. It shouldn’t be all up to you.

moita · 27/04/2018 10:11

miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

No advice but since having a child much of this has gone from my relationship. I sympathise Sad

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:16

It feels better though from how it was before - there was an awful tension constantly in the air and now it feels happier and like i can breathe again.

We've been together for 15 years so I know that relationships have their ups and downs. However, this just feels different. It has been so long now that i'm worried we wont get back what we had.

OP posts:
FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends · 27/04/2018 10:19

If he can't even bring himself to give you a cuddle, a pretty basic thing really, then tbh I don't see how the relationship is salvageable.

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:20

Fosters but do you think that will just come back in time. I don't think it's that he can't bear it, more like he's someone that has to feel 100% right about things first.

OP posts:
SusanDelfino · 27/04/2018 10:25

What happened? Surely this didn't come out of nowhere ?

Crispbutty · 27/04/2018 10:27

I’m really sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t want to fix this. He is pushing you away.

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:27

Susan No, like I said in my first post, we have been through a sticky patch over the past few months where we've just been clashing over various issues.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 10:28

Cherchez la femme

Missingstreetlife · 27/04/2018 10:28

Make an appointment with relate. If he wont come go alone.

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:30

Also, there are times when I see that he is coming back but then we argue and it stops again :(

OP posts:
mzcracker · 27/04/2018 10:31

He's treating you like shit. Back off like he's asked you to. Do things that make you happy, stop cuddling up to him and hoping he's going to be affectionate back.
There's nothing sadder or more lonely than trying hard to be loved by someone who's not ready to feel it.
Back off and start doing things without him.
If you have both talked and decided to stay together and put whatever problems you had aside then he's treating you appallingly by giving you the cold shoulder.

Lacucuracha · 27/04/2018 10:31

I suspect he is rather enjoying you dancing attendance on him.

I would tell him that you have tried to make an effort to get things back to the way they were but that he hasn't reciprocated so you're going to give him space. Then I would withdraw affection but keep things friendly. See what his response is to that.

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 10:32

I'd be checking his social media and phone OP.

Crispbutty · 27/04/2018 10:32

Could he be seeing someone else? It doesn’t look good.

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:33

I have backed off completely - which is why things remain just civil and friendly. I guess I'm just playing the waiting game...

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 10:34

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I do agree with other posters though (eventhough I know it will be hard) Give him his space, make plans on your own and see what happens after that. How he reacts to that will tell you alot I think

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 10:35

Men don't tend to act this way unless they're naturally bastards or there's another woman.

There are always exceptions but in general, this is what I've noticed.

RatherBeRiding · 27/04/2018 10:36

Have you both actually talked through this? It sounds a little as though you've stopped outright arguing, but haven't had any kind of conversation about the underlying problem and what you both are going to do to fix things?

Unless you are both on the same page and both acknowledge what the issues are that caused the sticky patch in the first place I don't think you can just let things drift in the hope that somehow it will all magically come right again.

It certainly sounds as though he's not ready to kiss and make up.

MsVestibule · 27/04/2018 10:36

I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.. This is my marriage. I would be absolutely heartbroken if we went from this to being civil and friendly.

I presume you've considered that there could be another woman on the scene? An emotional affair at work?

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:37

Ajas I feel like he's just still got a lot of resentment built up and he can't let go. It's probably a bit of a power game too. He seems to perk up every few days when he wants sex Hmm

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/04/2018 10:37

Hate to say it but it might not come back. Screams another woman to me.

MadamGrumps · 27/04/2018 10:38

What did you clash about? It must have been pretty serious to get to this state. Did you cheat?

To be honest the reaction and healing time depends on what the problem was in the first place. (If it was clashes over who takes the bins out then he needs a shake but if you killed his cat then that's slightly different!)

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 10:38

You're still having sex with him?