To worry DH won't come back

[Snoopysmiles]

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

i told him to tell me what he needed me to do and so far, i've been doing it

this made me feel very sad for you OP

People who love each other don't treat each other like this. They just don't. I know it'll fall on deaf ears but the best thing you could do is pack him up and get him out.Tell him you REFUSE to be treated like this and now you're going to consider whether you are interested in carrying on this relationship.
You are working yourself round in circles at the moment, desperately trying to gain a few crumbs of affection. It's no way to live and I promise you, you'll look back one day and feel humiliated. :(

DH has been feeling undervalued and has become quite resentful of it to the point where it seems he's just exploded. However, we had a long talk a few days ago and although he was very angry, i told him to tell me what he needed me to do and so far, i've been doing it

Been feeling undervalued - just like you are now. Feeling resentful - much like you should be feeling now. He's angry! What a bloody man-child. He's a husband and a parent. And and adult. He needs to act like it.

You say you won't compete for him, but actually that's exactly what you are doing. I mean that in the nicest way, I can understand why you are doing so. But really, it's him that needs to change his behaviours and his mindset. It's not for you to tie yourself in knots trying to dance to his unrealistic and childish tune.

I would not be having that. He is being an absolute twat.

I smell a rat. Guess he is playing this game to blame it all on you in the end. Defo OW. Hope you are ok, OP. you know what he is doing is cruel and abusive.

I have been there. Hope you are ok.

Op, how long are you willing to live like this? At what point do you say enough is enough?

It sounds soul destroying and I couldn't live that way. I know 15 years is worth fighting for..but there's fighting and there's being walked all over and your feelings are just as important as his. It doesn't seem like he is aware of that.

Snoopy, please don't walk around for another day, with his foot on your head, used to be's, don't count anymore. ☹️
You are trying so hard, but he isn't, can you not see how cruel he is being ?

OP, I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time. The problem is clearly with him, not you. As others have suggested, it sounds as though there may be some underlying trigger (affair, depression) & he is not letting you in. With my lawyer’s hat on (and apologies if this sounds cynical), if I were you I would start protecting my legal position (e.g. make sure he doesn’t clear out joint accounts) & thinking about practical issues if you were to separate. I hope it doesn’t come to that though & best of luck.

Why is it exactly that he doesn't feel valued for? Has he asked you whether you value whatever it is? I learnt a pattern from my mum, where I would do x, y, z things for my ex and then resent the lack of appreciation, when he didn't actually care about those things and had never asked for me to do them.

"Being nice" is not catering to someone's every whim and is giving him a hell of a lot of power, whilst driving you into the ground. It is prolonging this awful situation, not resolving it.

If he is feeling resentful and undervalued then you need to sort out the root of the problem, what is it he's feeling undervalued for, why is he doing those things? Why does he feel your efforts are unbalanced, does he recognise the things you contribute to making the relationship happy or to keep the household running?

So it's all about him and how you can 'earn' affection from him, what you need to change, how he can feel better.

What happened to talking together about your mutual needs and how together you can both make positive changes to strengthen your relationship?

Unless there is some big back story of something very awful you've done to him all I can see is a selfish man enjoying making you run round after him like a little puppy.

My partner and I have been in the same situation. Barely speaking, no touching or cuddling and constant arguements.

It took time and I didn't do anything different but we got back to normal. There was no OW and no cheating or any of the other things pp are suggesting.

We eventually spoke about issues we were having and it slowly got back to, well better than, normal as we were easily able to discuss things.

I'm not saying pp are wrong, just that it's not what I experienced.

Good luck op. 15 years is a long time and worth putting the work in.