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Original poster

To worry DH won't come back

161 replies

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:06

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 12:15

He needs to know what he’s losing.

Yes, if he is capable of understanding that.

sillyrubberduck · 27/04/2018 12:18

Withholding affection is emotional abuse. Google it !

Butterymuffin · 27/04/2018 12:28

The only way to feel better or rescue this is to regain yourself. So do back off. Go out. Buy clothes. Get back in control. Have fun, silliness elsewhere, be the person you want to be and do not expect him to join you.

Good advice here.

OddS0ck · 27/04/2018 12:30

PerfectlyDone agree, sometimes someone can't see what they are going to lose until it's lost.

Pp said whenever their ex did this there was an OW. Mine too, the only other time this had happened, years before, he was having an affair. I regret forgiving that first affair and trying to make it work.

Sunshinedaze · 27/04/2018 12:31

Just various issues - parenting decisions, him feeling left out, unappreciated, hard done by.

These are the issues you have to foccus on repairing. He needs to feel heard. Have a serious think about why he is unhappy with your parenting decisions and how you can meet half way. Think about why he feels left out - what can you do differently to make him feel included? Ask yourself why he feels unappreciated - how can you rectify that? Why does he feel hard done by - what can you do about it from your end? He has told you why he is unhappy, so it’s up to you if you stick your head in the sand or make things different. Good luck.

Lily007 · 27/04/2018 12:34

Hi OP. What a horrible situation you’re in.

My H booked a weekend in London and let me book a very expensive holiday exactly one week before I discovered he was seeing OW. I booked the holiday on 4 March and he left on 11 March this year so sadly this isn’t an indication he’s not having an affair.

I hope this isn’t what’s happening to you but I would start digging. I did and it only took me 4 days to gather the evidence.

FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends · 27/04/2018 12:35

I honestly don't think he's leaving. We've just booked an (expensive) holiday for next year for just the two of us. We also booked a summer holiday and anniversary trip last week too.

A friend of my sister had a husband who left her for another woman despite having already booked an anniversary holiday to the maldives AND organised a surprised 40th birthday party for her (his wife that is, not the OW). The affair was ongoing while these things were done.

I'm not saying it's an OW but I certainly don't think you can rule it out. You really need to lay down the law here because how he's treating you just isn't on - it's emotional abuse. If he's not in love with you any more and doesn't want a loving relationship he needs to be straight with you about that so that you can take the necessary steps. The fact he's happy to have sex with you but still withholds affection is just vile, you deserve better Flowers.

Lacucuracha · 27/04/2018 12:36

@Sunshinedaze

Why is it solely up to OP to make things different?!

You have put all the onus on OP without knowing the details. Maybe he lets OP make all the decisions and then acts butt hurt about it? Maybe he feels hard done by because OP makes an effort to do things with her children?

We need more detail from OP but the way you have blamed OP is very jarring.

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 12:36

He needs to feel heard.

So does the OP.

kateandme · 27/04/2018 12:41

OW who isnt prepared to commit so he still needs a place to live.feed.
only one side though.
could be totally different for you.
have you sat down and had a heart to heart.gone over what caused this rift.there must have been something.or if you cant find one there is as you've given a time when you noticed it happened.so you need to still talk about this.and move forward together and with something in mind for both of you to do this.
it will take two

StarlightSparkle · 27/04/2018 12:43

Another one whose H booked a family holiday for the next year though he was having an affair. He even had the audacity to say he thought the affair would have fizzled out by then and the holiday would help us get back on track! Hmm

hdh747 · 27/04/2018 12:44

This isn't an excuse for his behaviour, but remember that women need to feel close to have sex whilst many men feel that sex makes them feel closer. For many men sexual connection is a way to feel safe enough to allow emotional connection - no I don't get it either as I'm not a bloke but lots of sex therapists and psychologists insist this is the case so I'll go along with the possibility. So just maybe it's him trying to find a starting point.

You really need to do some proper talking, with counselling maybe, to get to the bottom of it. Men withdraw for so many reasons, OW included, but also just because they are hurting. It's clearly still tied up with whatever you have been arguing about, but whether that's the cause or a symptom of something else is impossible to say.

Do you think you actually resolved your arguments in a way you are both happy about? I'm not getting the impression that's the case.

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 12:49

Or if you just don’t want to live like this anymore and just want to say it’s all his fault because it never takes two to tango on mumsnet and must just be the bloke being emotionally abusive then issue your ultimatums, withdraw affection from him and just leave

Or she could be proactive in her relationship and tell this man exactly what she needs, wants and expects in order to resolve the issues and if he is still not prepared to make the effort she can walk.
The alternative seems to be just wait around offering him sex, dinners and cups of tea while he decides if he wants to be present in the relationship or not.
Life is too short.

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 12:49

Bold fail.

Sunshinedaze · 27/04/2018 12:50

Likewise we don’t know the full story - if he actually has reasons to be upset. I’m not taking sides. This woman has come hear seeking to save her marriage not tear it further apart.

SinkGirl · 27/04/2018 12:54

Unless there’s a huge drip feed coming, and your rough patch was actually you having an affair, he needs to be stop treating you so badly. Don’t stand for this at all. And do not have sex with him.

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 12:55

This isn't an excuse for his behaviour, but remember that women need to feel close to have sex whilst many men feel that sex makes them feel closer.

Yes, I think this is often true.
It seems to be led by a sense of being entitled to sex though which is really quite chilling IMO.

tictoc76 · 27/04/2018 12:59

Stress, depression - many things could be at the root of it. All marriages have ups and downs - I’ve had some pretty hard time personally where I thought we wouldn’t get back to where we were but we have. Could you get some counselling to see if that helps?

MrsMozart · 27/04/2018 13:01

So he gets what he wants and needs and you OP get...? Crumbs from his table.

No way to live your life lass.

tictoc76 · 27/04/2018 13:01

ALso on the matter of sex. I agree many men want sex even if the emotion is not quite there whilst women (completely generalising) want the emotional closeness first. I don’t think there is anything chilling about that - someone told me about the language of love where different people need different things to feel loved. Some people just need the physical side and the emotional side follows

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 13:08

tictoc, what I find chilling is not that different people have different needs, that is of course the case, but that one persons needs or wants or preferences by default are seen as the more important or valid, and if not met give all the justification to become distant or whatever (have an affair or 'punish' in some other way).

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 13:11

Tictoc it's the fact that he's rejected the op's attempts at being affectionate while he continues to get sex on tap.
It's emotionally manipulative. He knows full well what he's doing.

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 13:18

MzCracker just nodding at your username Grin

Spaghettijumper · 27/04/2018 13:24

This isn't an excuse for his behaviour, but remember that women need to feel close to have sex whilst many men feel that sex makes them feel closer. For many men sexual connection is a way to feel safe enough to allow emotional connection - no I don't get it either as I'm not a bloke but lots of sex therapists and psychologists insist this is the case so I'll go along with the possibility. So just maybe it's him trying to find a starting point.

ALso on the matter of sex. I agree many men want sex even if the emotion is not quite there whilst women (completely generalising) want the emotional closeness first. I don’t think there is anything chilling about that - someone told me about the language of love where different people need different things to feel loved. Some people just need the physical side and the emotional side follows

I really cannot believe that we're still seeing this sort of utter horseshit in 2018. On what planet is it acceptable to refuse to cuddle someone, to be cold and distant and then to suddenly 'perk up' every few days in order to get sex?? At the most basic level that is rude and disrespectful behaviour. Beyond that it is extremely nasty and manipulative to withhold affection from someone who is clearly desperate for it and then snap your fingers every few days and suddenly be all touchy feely, have sex, get what you want and then go back to freezing them out again. There is no situation in which that is anything but a disgusting way to treat someone and no amount of ridiculous psychobabble about love languages justifies it.

Spaghettijumper · 27/04/2018 13:26

OP my money's on an affair too I'm afraid. You don't need to put up with this sort of treatment.