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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry DH won't come back

161 replies

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:06

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 10:39

Men don't tend to act this way unless they're naturally bastards or there's another woman.

I'm not sure that's true, after 15 years people might just start reevaluating their life or just go through a patch where they think they might not love the other one anymore etc

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/04/2018 10:40

Sorry, but he is totally pulling your strings and controlling how you act by withholding affection.

You are basically dancing to his tune. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

What have you been arguing about?

Stand up for yourself and tell him to either a) Act like a human being or b) Leave.

Original poster

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:40

Madamgrumps Just various issues - parenting decisions, him feeling left out, unappreciated, hard done by.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 10:40

Don't be a fool...he is using you. You are still shagging him ? Jesus...where is your self respect ?

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 10:41

WHY are you sleeping with someone who is witholding affection!?? Don't let him treat you like that!

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 10:41

I'm sorry but fuck that! He can't even bring himself to be affectionate, tells you to back off when you try and won't even give you a cuddle but still expects sex?
So you provide him with sex without any effort on his part.
Tell him to fuck off.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/04/2018 10:42

Snoopy - so were these issues all brought up by him? He was feeling left out and unappreciated - did you have your own gripes to bring to the table or was it just him?

Because I'm really sorry but I think he has one foot out of the door. He's just biding his time and I'm very much afraid that, any day now, he's going to turn round and say nothing has worked and he's going to have to leave...

Original poster

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:42

Anyfucker I know...but sometimes it's difficult when you're so devastated and someone suddenly gives you the affection you want from them.

OP posts:

Miscella · 27/04/2018 10:42

He says you are trying too hard. It sounds like he isn’t trying hard enough.

I think you need to have an honest discussion about what you both want. Difficult as this may be it can’t be worse than living with the uncertainty as you are doing now - either you both want the relationship to continue or you don’t. In either case at least you will know where you stand and can make plans accordingly.

AjasLipstick · 27/04/2018 10:43

Do you have children?

AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 10:44

That sounds quite pathetic, Snoopy. He must have zero respect for you to treat you like that

You haven't responded to suggestions he might have transferred his affections elsewhere. What do you think about that ?

Mrsfluff · 27/04/2018 10:45

I'm sorry to say it, but my exh became like that, little did I know that he was already replacing me!

ificouldwritealettertome · 27/04/2018 10:46

In my personal experience (previous relationship) I've found men like to chase. If you withheld affection yourself then he would likely come after you in time.

It works but frankly I am too old to play games so wouldn't want to fix a relationship like this. But it is your life, your marriage and if you want to get him back then a little 'emotional distance' will help.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/04/2018 10:49

You need to sit down and have it out with him, you can't keep hanging on, playing it his way, hoping he'll change. If he isn't happy, he will leave anyway, be kind to yourself Snoopy, because he certainly isn't.

MadamGrumps · 27/04/2018 10:51

Yeah in that case I'm really sorry but I would be getting a plan together just in case.

It's totally unfair how he is treating you. I get that you don't want to rock the boat for fear of making things worse but you need to have some self respect and say you both need to talk as you are not prepared to live in limbo like this.

And absolutely do not sleep with him if he is being a prick. I'd be using the exact same wording he uses to you when he tries it on expecting sex and see how he bloody likes it.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/04/2018 10:51

A few years ago now dh and I went through something similar- we'd had loads of rows, lots of stress etc, we agreed we needed space from each other, he moved out for a couple of weeks- we saw each other most days due to the kids/childcare , and we met on our own for dinner 1 night, few drinks another night, we missed each other, and we got the fun back - there wasn't anyone else for either of us it was just the stress of life, not putting in the effort and forgetting what we had, that was 4 years ago now, and everything is still great - we've been together nearly 20 years altogether x

willynillypie · 27/04/2018 10:51

This exact thing happened to a friend of mine and she put up with it for months and months. He kept saying he would make an effort but didn't. She felt like it was all her fault. He wouldn't end it so she was the one to end it...few months later and he is openly with someone else. Pretty sure he was seeing her all the while. I would also maybe snoop a bit into the idea he has someone else - if not it sounds like he's pretty out of the relationship already. Sorry OP

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 10:55

In my personal experience (previous relationship) I've found men like to chase. If you withheld affection yourself then he would likely come after you in time.

I suppose rather than thinking of it as a game, it's really giving him space to see what he wants and if you not being there makes him happy or makes him miss you. Equally eventhough the OP thinks she needs and wants him maybe if she committed to keeping that distance and actually making plans on her own or with her friends maybe she'll decide that infact she's happier without him around making her feel unwanted?

MegEmski · 27/04/2018 10:57

Yes, with 3 months of couple counselling and he had 2 months individual counselling also.

In a really good place now.

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 10:58

This is what I was saying earlier, of course it's possible there's another woman on the scene but there also may not be, it could just be life and time. Glad you and you OH got the spark back

CocoaGin · 27/04/2018 10:58

I'm going to be honest here and say that he sounds a very cruel person to be playing a game with you like this. He is withholding affection as a form of punishment, and that's not the action of someone who loves you.

I agree with a PP who suggested Relate/Counselling but I'd honestly go alone and try to work through this. This almost sounds like a kind of emotional abuse, and talking to someone neutral may help you see a little clearer .

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2018 11:00

That is a horrible way to treat someone. Sounds like game playing to me. Is he withdrawing because he wants out but wants you to end it so he doesn’t feel like the bad guy ? I couldn’t live like that, conflict would be better than dispassionate distance, at least conflict suggests strong emotion. Is he punishing you ? Because if so he sounds like a twat.
I would also wonder about an affair.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2018 11:00

Cross posted with CocoaGin

Annasgirl · 27/04/2018 11:03

Just to look at the other possibilities - could he be depressed? In general when they are depressed men get withdrawn and angry but internally. My DH does this when he is very low. Also I have suffered from depression and I pushed my DH away and withheld affection. It nearly broke us, I'm glad he persevered because I was unable to, and we are back to normal now.
I Amy be wrong, but depression can go undiagnosed for years.

Okki · 27/04/2018 11:06

Why does he feel under appreciated and hard done by? If you say now that he works a 60 hour week and you're a SAHM with kids in school but expect him to cook dinner and help with the housework I can see why he would feel resentful and distance himself. My first thought was he's got another woman but a couple of your comments have come across as a bit cavalier regarding his feelings. I've observed that men withdraw affection when they're hurt. Of course he could just be a knob but it would be interesting to know why he feels like that before judging him and even being able to answer your question.

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