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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry DH won't come back

161 replies

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:06

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

OP posts:

TorviBrightspear · 27/04/2018 11:43

I would not be surprised to find another woman involved. Your DH having an affair would also explain the rough patch, I think. It seems a lot of rough patches are not the cause of affairs, but rather the symptom.

Don't give in to sex with this person. If he can't muster up any affection for you, he doesn't deserve any back. He doesn't really seem to want to resolve this rough patch.

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 11:44

As for the withdrawing from you. I don’t agree that you just withdraw right back at him like others say as that’s likely to end up in a situation where you end up as housemates then surprise surprise he gets his affection elsewhere.

Instead just be gentle and slow. Invite him out for dinner. Arrange a weekend away. Ask him about his day, offer him tea, if he wants anything special for dinner. Show him you care in the more subtle ways. It’s not dancing to his tune it’s treating someone how you want to be treated. Talk more.

Sorry but that sounds like a 1950's guide on how to be a good wife

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 11:46

I tell you something - if you said to him 'I've had enough. You're treating me like shit, you seem to hate me - that's it, I'm done. Let's split' - he would backtrack so fast your head would SPIN.

Or he would say 'ok, do lets' with a sigh of relief.

Yes, because all of the work required to make a relationship a good one should come from the woman.
And talking more is a very very good thing provided one is being listened to.

saison4 · 27/04/2018 11:47

sounds as if there is an OW, sorry OP. I would do some digging.

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 11:49

Seriously lol. I don’t mean spend you whole life doing that I’m talking about the little things you do to show someone you care and EXPECT THE SAME BACK

If you just withdraw and go cold back you’re never going to solve anything. Someone has to give. Not forever or the whole marriage but to give it a chance.

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 11:50

Be gentle and slow and invite him out for dinner??
Are you for real?

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 11:50

If you just withdraw and go cold back you’re never going to solve anything. Someone has to give. Not forever or the whole marriage but to give it a chance.

Yeah but she has been giving according to her OP and he's been rejecting her constantly

Gemini69 · 27/04/2018 11:51

He gets sex when he wants but you get no affection - fuck that!

I agree... very cruel

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 11:51

And no it’s not down to the woman. Don’t he stupid. I’d say the same if it was a block saying it

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 11:52

She has been trying and he's completely emotionally shutting her out while miraculously getting over it long enough to have sex with her.
but yea invite him out for dinner

Littlechocola · 27/04/2018 11:52

Things haven’t got better, you have just got used to living like this. He hasn’t.

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 11:52

Did you read the first part where I said that the underlying disagreement needs to be resolved? Talk, play nice if he doesn’t improve rapidly LTB

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 11:53

Also, no one said "go cold" as such. More like give him the space he says he wants, make plans on your own to find your own self again. I think fear of being alone is a reason sometimes why people put up with that sort of treatment, so actually doing things by yourself can help ease that fear, to remind yourself that you can function without the other person

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 11:54

Or if you just don’t want to live like this anymore and just want to say it’s all his fault because it never takes two to tango on mumsnet and must just be the bloke being emotionally abusive then issue your ultimatums, withdraw affection from him and just leave

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 11:59

In this particular case though, he is the one withdrawing affection, not her. He's rejecting all the attempts at affection she makes, surely the ball should be in his court now when it comes to initiating the affection? Infact the OP has said when she does try to give him affection he tells her he needs space so it would actually be respecting his wishes to stop.

timeisnotaline · 27/04/2018 12:01

I couldn’t have sex with someone who wouldn’t cuddle me or ask about my day. Unless I was going for a one night stand with a stranger, in which case you need someone not your husband op.

WinnieFosterTether · 27/04/2018 12:02

It sounds as though neither of you have addressed the underlying issues. You're trying to paper over the cracks and he isn't.
My ex could have written a similar OP about me. There wasn't anyone else. It's just that there were fundamental issues that he simply refused to address in any meaningful way and he thought if we cuddled up or had sex then everything was fine. It wasn't.
I think you need to seriously consider the root of the problems and the resentments. Cuddles and sex don't fix issues they just prolong the cognitive dissonance needed to hold on to a bad relationship.

Wintertime4 · 27/04/2018 12:02

He needs to know what he’s losing. All the time you are waiting he’s got the upper hand.

He’s being horrible really. The only way to feel better or rescue this is to regain yourself. So do back off. Go out. Buy clothes. Get back in control. Have fun, silliness elsewhere, be the person you want to be and do not expect him to join you.

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 12:02

Again: resolve the underlying issues from the conflict then try the affection then if it doesn’t get better that’s when you make ultimatums.

Affection with underlying issues unresolved and causing resentment is not going to solve anything.

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 12:05

Again: resolve the underlying issues from the conflict then try the affection then if it doesn’t get better that’s when you make ultimatums.

Affection with underlying issues unresolved and causing resentment is not going to solve anything.

I wonder if he's willing to talk through them though? The OP would need to answer that (and also would depend on what exactly the underlying issues are too)

Funny though that he's willing to over look the underlying issues when he wants sex, don't you think?

hdh747 · 27/04/2018 12:08

It sounds to me too, that the issues you have had have not been resolved for him. And he's punishing you because of that. Maybe he feels you took the power on some of those issues so this is his way of grabbing the power back.

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 12:09

Well if he doesn’t want to resolve them then there’s no point beating about the bush and you go straight to well if this is how it’s going to be I don’t want to live like this anymore. But she sounds like she wants to try and make this work so probably a good idea to try to resolve it first?

OddS0ck · 27/04/2018 12:10

My ex did this, complete withdrawal of affection, quite suddenly. We had been married 12 years.

I did as you are doing and many posters here are, tied myself in knots trying to understand and do the right thing. Talk to him, have patience, is he depressed? Too much work stress? What have I done wrong?

It was excruciating. He knew he was doing it, it was quite deliberate. He had always been controlling.

It turned out that another woman was receiving all the love and affection and after putting me through hell for 3 years he left to be with her.

That lasted a few months but I refused to take him back. I later learnt that withdrawal of affection is one of the grounds for divorcing for unreasonable behaviour.

It is cruel behaviour. It's not like he doesn't know he's doing it. With the benefit of hind sight I'd advise you have a straightforward talk to him. Tell him how miserable his behaviour is making you feel, that you're not prepared to live like this. If there isn't immediate change you'll be looking into divorce.

He may need the short sharp shock of realising he can't keep you dangling, but honestly, why be with a man who will treat you like this? He knows how unhappy you are and he just tells you you're trying to hard! Fuck that, try hard at looking after yourself.

I did eventually but those 3 years were so painful. I'd cry in my sleep! i wish I'd got my self respect years earlier.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/04/2018 12:15

Every time my ex did this the reason was an OW.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 12:15

Please stop having sex with him.
I too believe there could be OW.
The arguing etc...
Pushing you away.
Punishing you.
When in fact he is the one doing something wrong.
Start looking at what separation looks like.
Get a free half hour with a solicitor.
Start to do some digging.

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