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Original poster

To worry DH won't come back

161 replies

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:06

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 11:07

Well, all I can say, this is how it went between us and it turned out there was OW. He is a STBXH and while I am upset and quite devastated, it is clearly what needs to happen.

Not saying that is the case with you, of course, but you have to recognise that you cannot 'fix' his behaviour. You trying to be extra friendly is a version of the 'pick me' dance and it is demeaning and also pointless.

Either he actively wants to be with you or it does not.

I just wish my H had granted me the dignity to tell me he was off rather than stringing me along.

Cath2907 · 27/04/2018 11:15

Don't assume he is having an affair. My husband and I are going through a sticky patch. I feel horribly under-appreciated and that he is taking the piss and not doing enough, he thinks I am a control freak. We'll likely get it back under control but right now hugging him is not what I want to be doing. No affair.

My question is how long since you think everything was sorted out and is it really sorted? My hubby seems to think we have everything sorted 'cos he mowed the lawn.... Far bloody from it!

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2018 11:19

Cath2907 I think that is normal if there is a lot of resentment, what isn’t normal is the sex every few days while withdrawing affection the rest of the time.

kaitlinktm · 27/04/2018 11:20

It's probably a bit of a power game too. He seems to perk up every few days when he wants sex

Well next time this happens, tell him to take a leaf out of his own book:

he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off

He gets sex when he wants but you get no affection - fuck that!

Juells · 27/04/2018 11:20

I used to think my ex behaved like this because he was upset and couldn't help it. My eyes were opened, after we split up, when my teenage daughter stayed out all night with her boyfriend, and didn't phone beforehand to let me know. I'd phoned him in the morning to let him know I was worried, and phoned later when she got in touch to let him know she was safe. His instant reaction was "we must withdraw approval from her to let her know she was wrong". It was the most fucked-up way to deal with an adult daughter I'd ever come across, and the penny dropped that that was what he'd been up to all those years when he was doing the same to me.

What a sense of entitlement! "You've misbehaved, and now you're going to be punished. Not just once, but for weeks on end so you really appreciate what a terrible person you are." Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 11:21

I honestly don't think he's leaving. We've just booked an (expensive) holiday for next year for just the two of us. We also booked a summer holiday and anniversary trip last week too.

Annasgirl I think he is low, maybe just with life in general. We are very much dreamers and would love to travel, etc. However, with two small DC life is very routine at the moment.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 27/04/2018 11:21

To be honest, it sounds like he is trying to control you by withdrawing affection, except when he wants sex. Sad

therealposieparker · 27/04/2018 11:21

You're living with an emotional abusive man. Look it up, read all about it and then accept the won't change. Get rid.

therealposieparker · 27/04/2018 11:22

Emotionally abusive.

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 11:23

His instant reaction was "we must withdraw approval from her to let her know she was wrong". It was the most fucked-up way to deal with an adult daughter I'd ever come across, and the penny dropped that that was what he'd been up to all those years when he was doing the same to me.

Wow what an arsehole. What a fucked up way to treat people, people who's back you should have too

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2018 11:25

He's being really nasty to you, OP, and THOROUGHLY enjoying punishing you by seeing you tying yourself in knots to please him.

The only way to sort this - properly sort it, so it gets resolved, not 'improves slightly' or whatever, is to get angry.

I'm not surprised at all that the issues were things like parenting decisions, him feeling left out, unappreciated, hard done by. - basically, you weren't dancing attendance and deferring to the Giant Golden CockWaver? Oh dear dear, can't have that. Let's pull a few of those pegs out and crush you down a bit, and take away some of that annoying self esteem and security in your relationship while we're at it.

Now he's got you totally on the back foot, terrified he'll walk out so doing what he wants - which is focusing your energies on HIM. Thinking about HIM. Worrying HE is not happy. Instead of getting on with organising life, the kids, the home and treating him like another adult who should be pulling his weight alongside you in that and doesn't need genuflecting to. Presumably that's what you were doing before and he didn't like it one bit.

You have to start seeing the wood for the trees here. You can't go on like this (and maybe you shouldn't want to, with such a nasty little tantrumming meanie prick, but that's another discussion). The only way to work this out is to fight right back and say NO. You don't get to treat me like this - I am not interested in being dangled on a string and if you enjoy doing that, then I don't want you full stop.

If you still have issues that you feel are not resolved and that is why you are unwilling to genuinely move forward and treat me as a partner and with love and affection - then we go to counselling.

If you feel the above is true but you can't see those issues being resolved, or you don't want to resolve those issues - we start planning our split. Now. Because I will NOT live with being treated like this.

If the truth of it is that you are actually a nasty little princeling whose whole MO has been to get me to feel like this in order to have me dancing attendance on you, and actually how things are now is qutie enjoyable for you - then carry right on, I will then instigate a split all on my own because that makes you a nasty piece of work.

Stop sleeping with him. 'Either you must be forcing yourself to have sex with someone you don't feel affection for, which is bad for you, or you're enjoying having sex with someone you're choosing to withhold affection from, which is sadistic, and extremely bad for me.'

So, you call his bluff. He either leaves, agrees to counselling, or admits he's being a cruel twat. But this stops RIGHT NOW.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2018 11:27

I honestly don't think he's leaving. We've just booked an (expensive) holiday for next year for just the two of us. We also booked a summer holiday and anniversary trip last week too.

Haha! Well exactly! He won't leave, OP, he has no desire to! He just wants to turn you into a nice obedient little maid by making you feel as if he might. Nasty nasty nasty.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/04/2018 11:28

I tell you something - if you said to him 'I've had enough. You're treating me like shit, you seem to hate me - that's it, I'm done. Let's split' - he would backtrack so fast your head would SPIN.

AgathaF · 27/04/2018 11:28

Have you asked him if he wants to get things back on track, and if so, what did he say? He doesn't appear to be making any effort. Is he sulking, depressed or stressed (work problems?), looking elsewhere, withdrawing with the intention to leave? Has he done this before during your relationship?

kaitlinktm · 27/04/2018 11:28

Why would he want to leave when he has what he wants when he wants it with no emotional effort from him?

Perhaps he doesn't realise how deeply unattractive people can be when they think they can just be "nice" as a means to getting immediate sex and then distant the rest of the time. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with someone who treated me like that.

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 11:28

I hope he is not having an affair.

But he is trying to control your behaviour by 'punishing' you with withdrawal of affection and fun.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/04/2018 11:29

I agree with PP who say this is about teaching you who's boss in your household. While you're desperate for 'affection' from him, you're not going to refuse him anything or expect him to do his fair share of housework, are you?

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 11:30

I couldn't bring myself to have sex with someone who treated me like that.

The Op's scenario is exactly why our sex life went out the window. Which is of course another Black Mark against me... Hmm

Anyhoo, this is not about me.
You need to have a Talk with your DH.

Trinity66 · 27/04/2018 11:31

I tell you something - if you said to him 'I've had enough. You're treating me like shit, you seem to hate me - that's it, I'm done. Let's split' - he would backtrack so fast your head would SPIN.

mmm I get the feeling this is true, whether it's a conscious plan of action from the DH or not though is the question? Everything you said in your last few posts are spot on, I think it's so hard to find your balls to do that when your stuck in the situation yourself. I do hope the OP plus that strength from somewhere though

Juells · 27/04/2018 11:35

@FizzyGreenWater

Giant Golden CockWaver

I'm having that. 🤣

TheParisofPeople · 27/04/2018 11:35

You seem quite cagey about answering any questions about why he might feel this way after saying you've 'clashed' a lot over 'various issues' and he feels 'hard done by.' What parenting decisions have caused tension? Etc...is it something you could both work on with the help of someone like Relate? Having two young DCs has broken up several couples I know, it's hard fucking work.

If he's just being a git because he likes to have you dancing about while he withholds affection then bin him, if there are genuine problems arising from trying to cope with young kids then that's something different.

Tinkobell · 27/04/2018 11:36

He sounds very very hacked off to me if he's withholding cuddles. Have you considered Relate counselling if your DH doesnt like talking directly to you about your issues?

Tinkobell · 27/04/2018 11:39

Surely this can't be just about you acquiescing and keeping your fingers crossed? Honestly, I think you need professional input on this. But to make that happen there's got to be a strong underlying desire from both of you to attend and want a happy marriage. Good luck!

veggiethrower · 27/04/2018 11:40

He needs to move out for a while to decide what he wants and for you to decide what you want as well.
He is treating you appallingly.
Tell him to make arrangements to move out as it clearly isn't working at the moment.
Stop having sex with him.
I know it must be really hard for you.
My ex went through a phase like this and it turned out he was questioning all kinds of things about the relationship and his life in general. He was also writing to women on whatsapp - basically trying to see if there was something better out there.

Karigan1 · 27/04/2018 11:42

If you’ve clashed a lot and now on civil street you haven’t resolved whatever it is you were clashing over. You need to talk and try to work things out between you.

As for the withdrawing from you. I don’t agree that you just withdraw right back at him like others say as that’s likely to end up in a situation where you end up as housemates then surprise surprise he gets his affection elsewhere.

Instead just be gentle and slow. Invite him out for dinner. Arrange a weekend away. Ask him about his day, offer him tea, if he wants anything special for dinner. Show him you care in the more subtle ways. It’s not dancing to his tune it’s treating someone how you want to be treated. Talk more.

If he’s still withdrawing after then I suspect there is someone else. Maybe not physical but someone who is listening and making him feel wanted.