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Original poster

To worry DH won't come back

161 replies

Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 10:06

DH and I have been going through a sticky patch for the past few months - we've clashed on a few things, and even though things are better now, it's more of a being civil and friendly. If I push it and act 'too' friendly towards him he tells me to stop trying so hard and to back off.

I just lay awake at night desperately wondering if I will get my lovely DH back. I miss the fun, I miss the jokes, the playfulness, the silliness, the cuddles in bed at night, the affection, him fancying the pants off me.

Like I say, everything is better now and a friendly atmosphere. The past couple of nights I have cuddled him at night but this hasn't yet been reciprocated. Even when I think about how he used to be I get desperately sad and devastated thinking about what happens if the DH doesn't come back?

Has anyone been through this? Please tell me it's possible to get a marriage back on track.. :(

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 13:28

I really cannot believe that we're still seeing this sort of utter horseshit in 2018.

Nor can I.
It is however my lived experience.
Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2018 13:45

It sounds to me as if he's trying to decide whether or not to end the marriage. Or he already knows he wants to and is trying to get up the courage to tell you it's over. And in-between times, he wants sex and there you are, willing and waiting.

I don't believe it's simply one of those 'rough patches' we all go through where suddenly the boiler goes, little Johnny gets caught doing XYZ, and the car needs repairs all at the same time so tempers get strained and the squabbles are many. Those flair and die down, they don't last long enough for you to feel unloved and unwanted. Usually both parties just feel pissed off. I think it's much more likely that there is one single thing nagging at him. It could be as stupid as 'I'm XXX years and I've never climbed Everest' or something real like 'I think I'm going to be made redundant'. Or it could be something you said in anger that is sticking in his craw. Only you know the truth of this, but I think you should think long and hard about it. And if after you have, you truly and honestly can't pinpoint the cause, then you need to ask him for a separation so he can work out what his problem really is. Please don't think I'm blaming you for whatever it is that's crawled up his arse and died. I'm not. Just that you need to eliminate any possible chance that you're missing something.

Above all else, you need to maintain your dignity. Do not ask/beg him for affection. Do not give him sex whilst he's treating you like you're nothing more than a dick holster. And you need to seek legal advice.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 27/04/2018 13:47

I know from experience how hard it is if someone withholds affection you are getting mixed up thinking that sex is the same when it's not for you but for him.
It sounds as if he's distancing himself from you and using you when he needs.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 27/04/2018 13:50

Have you actually sat down and talked to him or thought about counciling because hoping that if you just plod on things will be OK is just not going to happen.Sorry.

Juells · 27/04/2018 13:51

@Spaghettijumper

no amount of ridiculous psychobabble about love languages justifies it.

You tell it like it is, Spag 😂

I completely agree.

BrendasUmbrella · 27/04/2018 13:51

Cherchez la femme

I understood this to be a sexist phrase that means "behind every problem there's a woman who caused it". Have you been hacked or am I misunderstanding you?

Alarecherche · 27/04/2018 13:57

brenda my take was that anyfucker was implying that this behaviour was caused by an affair - search for the other woman.

mzcracker · 27/04/2018 14:00

Cherchez la femme translates as 'look for the woman'
I think original poster was suggesting that the op should dig a little bit because it sounds like her husband has someone else lined up.

SandyY2K · 27/04/2018 14:01

He who cares the least in.the relationship, holds the most power.

There's not a cat in hells chance I'd be having sex (with DH) if he treated me that way.

You should consider getting marriage counselling, because it doesn't seem the two of you alone can fix this.

hdh747 · 27/04/2018 15:52

Just to be clear, whatever HIS reasons for wanting sex, I don't think he should be getting any when YOUR needs are not being met. I'm merely pointing out he may not be deliberately trying to be a controlling prat, but that is the role he is taking up by pushing you away the rest of the time.

And again I say, you have to talk and get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 16:03

Just some answers to some of your questions. DH has been feeling undervalued and has become quite resentful of it to the point where it seems he's just exploded. However, we had a long talk a few days ago and although he was very angry, i told him to tell me what he needed me to do and so far, i've been doing it. Maybe he just needs time...

This same situation happened a few months ago too and I danced around trying to make him happy all the time, giving him whatever he needed and he said that he 'noticed that i had been really nice to him lately'. However, it completely wore me down and i was taking on everything just to make him happy. Then these latest issues he's had recently have bought us to the same point. So i'm dancing around him to make him happy again.

I know the sex thing is plain wrong but not everything is black and white and the times that we are having more sex, we feel closer again and I genuinely see the lovely parts of DH and our relationship coming back.

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 16:06

You are performing the 'pick me' dance Sad

Huffington Post

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 16:08

Whether is actually cheating on you or not, many of the things mentioned in that article and others online are true in relationships in which the balance of power is skewed.

PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 16:08

Whether HE is... sorry.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/04/2018 16:14

What is he wanting you to do exactly?
You are not responsible for his happiness.
He is a grown up and it is his responsibility.
I dread to think, I really do.
I'll bet you are doing everything and he's doing fuck all.
Stop it now.

Original poster
Snoopysmiles · 27/04/2018 16:14

I may be doing the 'pick me' dance...but it's more of a 'pick our relationship' dance. There is no OW but if there was there is no way i would be dancing at all...at that point the door would be no further discussion. I would never compete for him - that i can be sure of,

OP posts:
PerfectlyDone · 27/04/2018 16:15

Well, you sound like you have your head screwed on.

I hope it all works out for your and your DH Smile

hdh747 · 27/04/2018 16:21

I'm not sure that you too have really got to the bottom of this. If he feels undervalued he needs to know that you value his contribution or him, that shouldn't involve you dancing round trying to make him happy - if he has poor self-worth within the relationship then having YOU fix everything would probably make it worse not better. Which could well be why he sees you 'being NICE' but he probably doesn't feel that it's actually helping. Add in the fact that you're feeling resentful about being nice and getting nothing back, which he will feel, and it's no wonder he's saying, 'stop trying so hard.'

It sounds like you are trying to fix him and it's making you both unhappy. You need to get to the bottom of what he wants and what HE is prepared to do to make it happen. I think you may well need a counsellor to help.

hdh747 · 27/04/2018 16:21

sorry you two not too

MumW · 27/04/2018 17:17

In your position, I think I would be withdrawing from sex. Tell him this on/off nice guy/bad guy stuff is exausting and you don't find it a come on at all.

The situation seems very much like the child that is ignored by her parents so is being naughty because getting smacked and screamed at is better than no attention at all.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life accepting unloving sex just because it's the only way to get any kind of intimacy? I think you need to tell your DH that this cycle has got to stop. Ask if he wants your relationship to continue. Insist on some couples counselling and maybe have an escape plan just in case your marriage isn't salvageable.
Flowers

AnyFucker · 27/04/2018 17:21

He's setting you up to fail, op. Then when he deems the time is right he will feel justified in walking away. How will you feel about all this "dancing" then ?

katyonamission · 27/04/2018 17:24

This happened to me. Something changed. He wouldn't come near me, no physical contact. Found out he'd shagged someone else that he didn't even know and still apparently can't remember.

We've since had a terrible break up and he doesn't see his son anymore through his own choice.

Probably not want you want to hear :/ but that was my experience.

FantasticButtocks · 27/04/2018 17:56

How would it be if you told him and showed him how it feels to be on the other end of this treatment. If you truly expressed your anger, your sadness, your fear and your upset? Instead of trying to appease him? If he's worth having, he would be so sad and sorry that you are so upset and that his lack of affection is causing it. He would want to reassure you that he lives you! If it's just something else for him to win, to argue, then maybe you need to decide if you're going to let him continue somehow toying with you in this way. He is your husband. He is not supposed to making a project of making his wife unhappy. SadAngrySadAngry

FantasticButtocks · 27/04/2018 17:57

Loves you! Not... lives you

Juells · 27/04/2018 18:00

How would it be if you told him and showed him how it feels to be on the other end of this treatment.

Having got away with this behaviour with me when we were married, ex started doing it to the DDs as well, when they were adult. They finally let him stew for six months, where once they'd have been phoning and appeasing. At the end of six months NC he suddenly rang back as if nothing had happened and watches how he behaves now as he knows they're not going to play along.