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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

angry with housemate

264 replies

boywiththebrokensmile · 26/04/2018 23:52

So for the past yr i have lived in a house share in Cornwall, I am 28 and my housemate is a woman in her mid 40s. We get on ok but she is quite bitter [bitter at been alone, fallout with her family, hates house sharing....] She is quite territorial and has no life really, she obsesses over the other couple that live with us and hates them like she did to the couple before. 1 night they had a few friends over and she went mad to me, i told her it was a houseshare and they did not do it often and they were all gone by ten and she was been unreasonable. She acts like it is her house.

Anyway, a few weeks back, i had three mates over[1st time ever having ppl back,]. She even moaned about that saying she would have stayed elsewhere if she had known. They were staying the night and we went to the pub for 1 drink, we got home round ten and she was sitting in the front room. We all walked in but when we saw her walked back out, she was sitting watching shit tv and I would not mind but she hardly ever sits in there and she sat on. We went to the kitchen even though it was a clear q for her to go to her room [where she usually resides] and let me chat to my mates who i had not seen in yunks. Eventually i took my friends in and she sat on, it was so uncomfortable, i eventually asked her could we watch something on telly and she made a joke of it and said ok and went to bed. But the thing is i think she clearly did that deliberately to deter me taking ppl back to the house again, any normal person would have went up to their room and given me the front room [which i hardly use] for the evening when i had mates over but she imposed and i feel angry over it. What do you think?

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 16:28

Okay, fair enough. I'm not exactly in a place to comment as I'm a home owner with a family. But I was a lodger when I was younger, and moved a couple of times because I had landladies I didn't get on with. (I had one elderly lady who was lovely.) I had an inheritance so I was fortunate to be in a position to buy a flat of my own.

In this instance, the flatmate sounds like she'd probably like to have a place to herself but possibly can't afford it. (Is she working?) The OP is probably the one more able to move, as she's obviously working full-time.

I know it's difficult, but realistically, is she's not likely to change and she's also unlikely to move. So you either stay where you are and put up with her, or you find yourself a new place to live. She doesn't sound like someone who is willing to negotiate.

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 16:28

Lanie you are right. But in this scenario op has pointed out that guests came to the house very occasionally.
House sharing has to have a some give and take on both sides or it just doesn't work.
The flatmate doesn't have guests because she has no friends. She targets couples because she resents being single. It doesn't take a genius to work out why she lashes out.
I worked with someone like this and over the years watched him become embittered. I tried to help but gave up when a small child got to close to him in a pub and he told her to fuck off with venom.
He eventually died alone in his flat age 49, body found weeks later. All his friends had given up on him.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 16:35

QueenoftheBlitz, what you describe sounds very like her. Do not get me wrong she is nice[to me] but yet she is very bitter and very resentful with the world and jealous of others. Heck she even obsesses and hates our affluent landIord over what they own. I think that is why alot of ppl here do not get the story i am telling- because they have never met people like this who are very draining and difficult and clearly unhappy with life.

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 16:45

Op sadly I've met quite a few people like this and now can spot them a mile off.
I'd stay civil with her but don't get into long conversations with her.
It's not your responsibility to police her either. If she says she's going to kick off at the others, don't play peacemaker. Let her get on with it. And disengage when she slags them off. A non commital "hmmmm" should do it or leave the room. You're not there for her to vent to. She has proven how little she respects you.

Lizzie48 · 28/04/2018 16:51

As the saying goes, she's her own worst enemy. My DB comes to mind for me, he's similarly embittered like this. He suffered an abusive childhood like my DSis and I did, but we've managed to eke out good lives for ourselves with our families, whereas he's all alone and angry. He gets very defensive if anyone suggests anything to him, so I've given up trying.

She would be better off in her own place, but she doesn't sound like someone open to suggestions, so she doesn't sound likely to move herself. I don't really see any solution for you other than to move, realistically. Otherwise you'll be posting another thread like this in a year's time saying the same thing.

Crazyunicornlady · 28/04/2018 18:58

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. The housemate and OP were both BU in this case and holding a grudge is quite frankly childish.

You say you only have £16 in your account and need new shoes but that you are on holiday in the US, did I miss something??

LondonMrsA · 28/04/2018 19:32

Yep. You’re acting like it’s your house. Would you go to Bed if she brought friends back? Also - House Sharing is for 20-somethings. Her life is miserable - show some respect and compassion.

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 19:43

Yep. You’re acting like it’s your house. Would you go to Bed if she brought friends back? Also - House Sharing is for 20-somethings. Her life is miserable - show some respect and compassion.

Because of the housing crisis more middle aged people than ever are having to houseshare.
Being middle aged myself I know I would struggle - too set in my ways etc.
Respect and compassion is a two way street - older sharers will have to learn to adapt to the needs of others if this type of housing option continues.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 19:44

''You say you only have £16 in your account and need new shoes but that you are on holiday in the US, did I miss something??''

got the flights basically free as we went with a girl who works in the airline and she used her designated cheap flight tokens with us, when we got to Boston it was free accomm as we stayed with a friend...jesus i am sick of having to justify everything here, people pick everything apart.

OP posts:

southeastdweller · 28/04/2018 19:46

Move when you get paid, borrow money off family, take an overdraft...if you really want to do it you will. There'll be plenty of choice.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 19:48

Christ it amazes me here how many ppl see house sharing as a happy choice people make when they don't seem to consider that alot of folk do not have the money to buy houses these days.

Anyway here is an update, I saw her today and she told me the couple were taking friends over on Wednesday evening and that 'we' needed to invite our friends and 'cause as much disruption as possible for them''. Yea please try to justify this sort of mental behavior some more ...

OP posts:

Icanttakemuchmore · 28/04/2018 19:49

Sorry nrtft. You should gave told her you were bringing friends back and asked if you could have the TV room for a couple of hours. She was already in there watchibg TV when you got home so you shouldn't expect her to just up and leave unless you've arranged this beforehand.

southeastdweller · 28/04/2018 20:04

Just move to a new house share when you get paid again. It’s not difficult, surely? Better than living with someone you despise.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 20:09

''Just move to a new house share when you get paid again. It’s not difficult, surely?''

again clearly you are ignoring earlier posts, much of my salary goes on paying off university debts and if i go before contract ends i lose deposit, to me money is a big object. I do not have enough to move any time soon.

OP posts:

southeastdweller · 28/04/2018 20:15

Going to continue to be pretty miserable then aren't you?

If you really want to move, you'll do it, simple as that.

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 20:22

So she has friends? Tell her you won't do that but she's very welcome to bring her friends, whoever they are. She sounds a right rotter.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 20:25

She doesn't have many no but she was saying it in the hope i bring mates round and i said nothing but just thought ''get a fucking life, I could not give a dam what the couple do or who they bring around as long as they clean up after themselves and do not keep me up at crazy hours.'', I know now for certain she sat in that room with the lights off to spite me.

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 20:35

Op if you're unable to avoid her then it might be best to stick up for the others, making it clear there is no "we". Just say 'I don't mind them having people around occasionally". Tell her you like this couple, they've done you no harm".
It was the perfect opportunity for you to ask her if she had a problem having your friends round. Pin her down. She may reveal a valid reason for hating strangers in her home or failing that she will make no sense at all.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 20:43

Yea i have always being bad with confrontation. I have so much more shit going on in my life that I don't need her crap too.

OP posts:

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 20:46

''She may reveal a valid reason for hating strangers in her home''

thing is though, it is not her home, she has to understand that. And even the most valid reason cannot allow her to act like this. You nailed it earlier when you said she is bitter and wants to spread the misery i think and that her lack of having a life makes her overfocus on the house and what is going on as it is her life now. I kind of have gone off her after her stunt with my mates.

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 20:51

Well it is her home but it's your home too. But it's not her house.
You don't have to be confrontational but you do need to take a stand in a respectful way. She is trying to get you to back up her hatred of this couple. Don't allow her to use you.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 20:57

yea after her stunt i have become weary of her.I am no saint, in fairness when she used to slag the couple i would join in a little bit but most of my stuff would be taking the piss of them as they are a bit strange in their behaviour and mannerisms while she talked about them with extreme hate and shooting venom which was way ott. I have no bad feeling towards them. Now i just don't want to engage in that convo with her anymore as i am weary of her. She even asked me today in a suspicious tone was i having a conversation with them due to a chair arrangement in kitchen table...I know, it's deranged thinking.

OP posts:

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 28/04/2018 21:00

if i go before contract ends i lose deposit,

Have you actually checked this with your LL? My houseshare landlord is fine with people moving in and out at will so long as they find an acceptable replacement tenant and the new tenant pays an admin fee.

Failing that can you pick up some extra shifts - either at your current workplace or elsewhere - to pay for it?

The unfortunate reality is that she sounds miserable to live with, but she won't change and she won't move out, so you need to either learn to live with her or find the funds to move elsewhere.

Queenoftheblitz · 28/04/2018 21:07

Yes it's too easy to get sucked into this type of bitching. Don't engage.
The chair thing is a prime example that she thinks you're her flying monkey.

Original poster

boywiththebrokensmile · 28/04/2018 21:11

the chair thing is also an example of like you say she over focuses on what is going on in the house and creates needless dramas and scenarios. In reality, I hardly communicate with the couple yet she has enticed me to start arguments with them on several occasions while i am quite indifferent to them.

OP posts:

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