To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

I have to agree with @frasier there may be something in this...

"I can think of two reasons why this would come out of the blue.

1. He's feeling badly done to in the "You sit at home all day and I have to go to work" way. So it's a punishment for you. Ironically nearly everyone I know who does work says that it's a break going to work. Being a stay at home parent has to be one of the most stressful jobs going!

1. He is thinking of leaving and has been told by a solicitor that as you are the primary carer you will obviously get custody and (in his mind) call the shots re the children. Sorry but I thought it worth mentioning. I know people who have been given this exact advice when there marriages were breaking up. Well, to the primary carer the opposite: "Keep a diary of all the hours you look after the children, if your partner suddenly starts to up the hours he looks after them, offers to do the school run etc., he may have been given advice to up his role so he can claim he is the primary carer or at least on equal footing with you".

Be careful."

If he just wants you both to have more time with the kids (well him, more and you less) would you consider a job outside he home? If so will he work fewer hours? I think keeping a record of all you do is a good idea.

Lizzie48 "I agree that she's very likely been upset at the suggestion by a lot of posters that her DH is planning to divorce her"

Just to clarify, I am not suggesting he is, just flagging it up as a possibility as another poster did. I am not suggesting it is the fact.

Look at doing a week long "back to work" program else where. Tell him he needs to take a week off to facilitate this and that it will be good practice for when ALL housework and ALL childcare will be 50/50.

I would be thinking he has had legal advice re separation too OP, sorry :( It’s entirely possible that’s very far from the mark but it is the sort of thing lawyers talk about in terms of potential settlements

I haven't a clue whether your DH is planning to divorce you, OP, but it does sound like communications are breaking down in your family. Your lives have become very different. The very fact that you are asking us what he is thinking instead of asking him is telling.

If you still love each other you really need to work on this. It sounds like you are the housekeeper and childminder while he is the breadwinner. And you have facilitated him not having a relationship with his children, which may be what he is referring to. Yes, it takes two, but you have your part to play in this.

If he just wants you both to have more time with the kids (well him, more and you less) would you consider a job outside he home?

Since he doesn't want to even play with his children at weekends, I find the idea of him wanting more time with the kids unlikely.

It sounds like he's made it clear he doesn't actually want more time with or responsibility for his children or the house: he doesn't want to cut his hours, work more flexibly, or take on more of the household chores. He baulked at the very idea. He just wanted OP to have less time and primary responsibility for them; he didn't want to do more himself.

But that didn't stop him from suggesting she find a proper job as soon as they're in school in September.

Which is why people, including me, are wondering if he's sought legal advice and is just delaying his request to separate/divorce ... to cut down on any potential spousal maintenance claim.

It sounds as though he like the idea of spending more time with the kids, however the actual reality of this will be obviously something very different. On some level he must know this. It doesn't matter whether you work full- time, part-time or not at all, if the other parent is not really of the mindset to be default parent and to not prioritise themselves, then what can you do? It's not about "how much" time anyway, it's about "quality of time".

If he can't de-prioritise himself now even to play with them at weekends, how does he think he would cope on endless winter days, stuck at home because they have colds and they're whinging and bored? Never being able to leave the house "hands free" without factoring the kids in? Because that is the reality of being "priority parent."

I don't think there's any reason to suspect he's thinking about leaving you. I think he is jealous of the bond you have with the kids. He knows he's not capable of that, even if he was in your position.

I did say posters were suggesting it was the case, not that it was an actual reality because obviously we don't know. But I suspect it hadn't even occurred to the OP that this might be the case.

I thinks its entirely reasonable that the OPs DH heard the term "primary carer" and is just using it to make his needs known. I wouldn't suspect divorce from one phrase.
Maybe suggest a trial run where he takes over for 2 weeks to see how it all goes. You say you never spend any money on yourself, maybe this would be an opportunity to give you a break away for a few days while he takes over the 'Primary' role. It must be hard looking after 3 kids with SN.

I don't think there's any reason to suspect he's thinking about leaving you. I think he is jealous of the bond you have with the kids. He knows he's not capable of that, even if he was in your position.

This. My dh makes similar comments about how he's so jealous, he wishes e could have the bond i have with her, it's the sacrifice he's made,,, blah de blah de blah. Yet when i looked into it and said, look here's a job i could do for one day a week, why dont we start with that, you look into dropping a day/compressing hours so you can have her all to yourself that day he wouldn't even think about putting it to his employers as 'they won't go for it'. Good thing i hadn't got a full time job!

The other day I was mixing aloud how is it I always end up being up till 11 even though in the middle of the day I think I want to crawl into bed at 9, I said I think it's because I need a couple of hours to unwind after she goes to bed and he kicked off... Saying that I get to habg out with my mum/friends during the day, go to the park, have lovely times etc while he's slaving away at work. He was really peed off, all from me just commenting that I need to unwind after she's in bed. I love being a sahm. It's my choice. But I think because I love it and he hates his job, he's really resentful and I've come to see that he seems to think me being unhappier would make it fair (rather than him being happier). Shitty stupid jealous attitude. He doesn't actually want to do what I do, but sees the good side and thinks 'hry, she looks like she's enjoying her life. I'm not. Unfair!' Wonder if his attitude would be the same if I had a paid job I loved?

tot if you do have those kind of sour grapes going on with your dh perhaps you ought to start planning what you’ll do when you return to work - whether it makes your dh any happier or not!

Sorry for not replying sooner. Nothing has been mentioned since Wednesday night and he has been his usual self. I do wonder if he was just venting and getting everything out because he was so angry with me about something else. He didn't use the words 'primary carer' he said that he thought i thought I was the primary parent and could make all the decisions regarding the children.

We have been through a sticky patch lately where we have clashed over a few things, which in some ways makes him even more determined to stand his ground and get wound up about things. However, we've also booked a summer holiday and a romantic weekend away for our anniversary in a few months time, in the past couple of days so I doubt very much that he's considering divorce? :(

I dont think so either. It does sound a lot like my husband although maybe I'm projecting. When i was pregnant he got cross as well about me insisting on the birth plan i wanted and saying 'its like you're making it the Tot show'. And began get very wound up if we clash over parenting. I suppose somehow they feel pushed out by not being the primary carer, and rather than just accept that itis a natural consequence, they take it out on us.

The solution seems simple to me. Stop making all the decisions without involving your DH. He is right, just because he isn't there, doesn't mean you get primary say over all the decisions regarding the children. Unless a decision needs to be made then and there - which in reality, most don't, you have time to discuss it with him. He is their father, involve him.

What age are the children op?

tot my dh has also felt like this at times but that’s a pretty nasty thing to say about a woman that’s about to go through childbirth.

My question to both you and the op is why you wouldn’t want to do something more appreciated by your partner? Sniping of this sort would really get me down.

And yes, if the real issue is a say in parenting decisions, it’s got zero to do with goes worked.

Alarecherche it's a tricky one. I dont want to build a career purely so my husband appreciates me more. I'm not even sure he would, but if he did I dont know if it would be worth it. I had a career that in the end made me very unhappy (teaching) and have been home with dd for two years.i think it benefits her having one parent at home and he agreed, long before we had kids, and still says he does now. He's also said he doesn't want to be that parent at home. So i did take the 8 hours a week job, to ease the pressure a little from him, but I wouldn't feel comfortable going back to a full time career job and putting our daughter in childcare just so he can't say I'm the primary parent, if that's not actually what's best for all of us. I'm muddling along at the moment between ignoring comments that i think are just stress coming out and sometimes calling him out on what I see as unacceptably disrespectful.

I see your point too - you could get a different variety of sniping even if you worked more hours out of the house...teaching is a very tough job to do ft, and i'd have thought crazy making with 1 or 2 small DC.

When we didn't have children DH was very much of the opinion that there should be a working parent and a SAHP for the children's benefit. DC1 arrived in 2008 so we didn't have a lot of choice but for me to work at first 0.6 and then 0.8FTE Once DC2 came along childcare was greater than my take-home so we tried the SAHP route as we had always planned. I hated SAHPing (sorry kids) and DH hated the pressure of being the sole earner. Perhaps OP's DH is feeling the same kind of pressure - from himself/society etc, not OP, I mean.

I now work around 0.3 FTE (flexibly within school hours so it's more like 0.15 during school holidays), and it works well for us logistically, financially and psychologically. Perhaps that's the kind of thing OPDH is vaguely thinking of, because he's only seeing the disadvantages of the current situation and none of its advantages.

Maybe he thinks that working outside the home would make you more interesting.

Your DH is being unreasonable but I think you need to value yourself more too. Your first post comes across as quite subservient. You never spend money on yourself, you don't go out for meals with friends like he does, you don't have an expensive hobby etc.

If my DH made a comment like yours did this is what I would do.

1. Work out the tasks you complete at home and with the kids over a week.

1. Do a costing for how much it would cost to pay someone else to do that. I.e cleaners, child minders, holiday clubs, taxi, wrap around care etc.

1. Sit him down and explain his comment made you think and reevaluate things. You've now realised that currently this is how much money you're contributing to the family finances by not having to outsource these tasks. Additionally your children have the stability and benefits of having a parent available to do all those things with them.

1. Buy yourself some new clothes. Arrange to go out for dinner with some friends. Choose a new hobby.

By having interests away from the home it give you and your DH something to talk about aside from the children which may help things too. Good luck OP