To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

He would not be interested in taking on half of the things that I do at home

Ask him how he envisages childcare and household work and admin
being done if you're at work and he won't do them.

Also, although he loves the DC and would do anything for them. He isn't a hands on dad, at the weekends he would never choose to actually play with them

So what you mean is he'd do anything for them except actually parent them?

You need at the very least a breakdown of the hours and nature of work you both do (and don't put your work in inverted commas!), and of income and expenditure. If he gets to spend money on socialising then so should you, for example.

You spend no money on yourself? Why though?

Are you allowed to spend money on yourself and your children?

He clearly does not appreciate how much you do and how much effort it takes to manage the home and children

Please please when you go back to work do not still do everything else! Get him involved

Sorry I've only read your OP and not any of the comments yet, but to be honest it sounds like you both have rather unbalanced roles.

While I understand it's upsetting, he is entitled to feel that he doesn't spend enough time with his children, and this may be be difficult for him.

And then there's you, who feel like you can't spend any money whatsoever on yourself. You say you don't need the money, so I can only infer that you feel as though you're not entitled to any money, even though in an equal partnership it should be seen as household income. I would not be okay with feeling like I wasn't allowed to buy myself anything.

Perhaps his line of thinking is that, rather than doing it to "spite" you and to feel like he's not the only one not seeing the kids much, he is thinking that if you worked, he could reduce his hours and you could both have more of a balanced life - I'm sure looking after small children with SN 24/7 is very tiring in itself. I think you should try and be more open and sympathetic, and have a frank discussion where you can both raise your desired outcomes, think up the potential drawbacks and raise both of your concerns (for example, do you worry about him being at home with the DC instead of you because you feel more experienced looking after them?)

I hope it goes well, you're both entitled to attempt to adjust your circumstances to get the best out of your situation :)

Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

Stop enabling this behaviour, OP. Do you have a joint account? You need a fun budget for you, him and the kids, and either spend your share, or save it in your own private bank account.

Don't sleepwalk into a situation where you can be financially abused.

DH and I have a joint account but separate current and savings accounts too.

I think if he is suggesting that you rebalance your responsibilities so that you both work but also both do an equal share of housework and childcare, that is reasonable and something you should consider as far as possible. It's not at all weird that he would rather be caring for his kids than working, and if he feels that he is missing out because he doesn't get to do this it's only fair to find a solution.

If on the other hand he thinks you should work as well as being primary carer and looking after the house, that isn't fair and he needs to understand that.

I think there is an element of very old fashioned resentment here and a very limited view of 'wifework'.

I work from home for a charity which is handy because it allows an element of flexibility for family life eg I can do both school runs (my DD is at middle school) and I don't have any commuting costs. I earn only a little less than my DH who works normal office hours locally. He was unhappy on arrival from work the other day as he felt the kitchen was untidy and that I should have cleared it up because I was 'at home all day'. Well yes, because that's where my office is, where I work. We had a few words on the issue.

I suspect there is an underlying suspicion that you are watching Jeremy Kyle all day. Perhaps take a weekend away and he can have a little go at being primary carer for a few days. That might make him rethink! Seriously though, stand your ground, the household needs both of you to run effectively.

If he actually used the words 'primary carer' then have a good long look at your relationship.

The only place I have heard or seen primary carer used is in the context of divorce and children's arrangements

You need to put a realistic scenario to him of what would happen if you worked.
It's hard to get parttime unless you're already employed so chances are you'd only find a full time job. Then who does drop off, pick up, admin, house work, doctor/denitst appointments etc etc.?
The issue he has is that he forgets that the role of a SAHM parent is a full time job and all that goes with it. Whilst acknowledging that I'm stereotyping, the life of the working parent is generally a lot easier when the other parent works inside the home rather than outside it because they don't have to do much in the way of school/drop off/pick ups/cover when a child is ill/holidays/housework etc. They tend to forget that and think SAH parenting is one long coffee morning/gym session.
Spell out to him how his life would have to change if he got a job because it can't all be on you if you're also in a full time job.

So he wants all the good stuff. He wants the job he loves, without the worry about school runs, ill children, house work, and ALL of the mental load that goes with it. But he ALSO wants the silver lining to being the one responsible for all those things. He wants the children to feel that he does as much for them as you do, he wants them to go to him as often as they go to you for something.

He wants it all. Well the poor little diddums needs to wake up to the fact that some things are incompatible.

Yes he has his own agenda

You need to give him a shock and explain to him that if he wants to share the load he shares the load

I agree about the weekday away. I was coming on here to say that. Disappear for a day and leave him with the kids to cope, do meals etc. Maybe then he will realise.

adaline I was responding to another poster you have taken my sentence out of context.

I said to him that is fine that i could get a job three days a week in school hours but he would have to look after the children on those days during the summer. He instantly changed his mind and said that i should wait until September when they are at school full time.
This paints a different light on it. It sounds like he wants you to work while they are school as opposed to sitting at home twiddling your thumbs but not change his situation at all

Does he really do nothing at all in the house? My friend used to say that about her partner but thst was because he never did what SHE did. She seemed to forget thst he looked after the garden all on his own as well as the DIY, sorting out the cars and other things she had no involvement in at all.

I see a bigger issue in the fact that you don't spend anything on yourself. Is that because you genuinely don't want to or you know he'd get arsey at you for spending "his" money?

frenchknitting DH and I both work part time that would be the ideal for most people but very hard to achieve I know in me and dh's careers part-time work is not an option for people

I wonder how much of a choice he was actually given prior to conception or even when the children were born. Was it just assumed he would return to work, not just by him but also the OP? Was it properly discussed about him becoming a SAHP? When the children were very small how much was he actually involved or did he feel he had to continually defer to the OP, thereby setting up a dynamic where he isn’t involved as much as he would like?

If he said the phrase "primary parent" I think you need to be very careful. I do not want to be some harbinger of doom but that sounds like he has possibly spoken to a lawyer or someone in the know about what the deal would be in the event of a divorce. If you are seen as the primary carer then the likelihood is that you get custody, get to stay in the house etc and he pays maintenance. He might not fancy that and may have been told if you are working and he can suggest you are equal carers then there are other options. I'm sorry OP I don't want to scare you but the words "primary parent" went ding ding ding on my red flag radar. Be careful. Of course he could just be desperado to do more chores and housework and not be subscribing as much to traditional gender roles and take more of an active parenting role.........but I'm afraid I'm a bit of a cynic and I'd rather warn you than not.

Meckity1 ahhh you saw it too....sorry I just noticed that

Joanna might not like the idea, but I would seriously consider frasier's option 2

I too am a bit at the use of the words "primary carer".

I agree that using the term "primary carer" raises a red flag regarding the marriage.

OP, you're not saying much. Why don't you spend any money on yourself?
Do you ever go out with friends (I'm guessing no, as that would most likely involve spending money on yourself)?
Why doesn't he do anything with the children, or do any parenting in the evenings? You say he works hard, but I bet if you worked outside the home for the same hours, you would still parent the children in the evenings, so why does he get away with not doing it?

So, to summarise the situation:

You do all childcare and housework
He refuses to engage with his own children or do any housework
He wants you to work while still doing all childcare and housework
You don't spend any money on yourself (why?)
He is a great dad who essentially does nothing at all for his children except provide money
He doesn't like you being the 'primary parent' but he's not interested in actually doing anything to change that.

What an odd person.

Agree it sounds like things are out if balance. I think all sorts of set-ups of division of work and household/childcare responsibilities can work but it doesn't sound like yours is at the moment, it sounds like you are both resentful and the money/hobbies situation doesn't sound very healthy. Time for a conversation about what you both want your lives to look like?

Our plan for when we had children was for DH to work about 75-80% hours, me to work about 50% hours and to split home and childcare accordingly with a bit of paid childcare. Our situation isn't like that now, he works a condensed 4.5 day week in a stressful job, I am part time self employed at home. Default is that I do all sickness and holiday childcare, the lion's share of housework/life admin. We have roughly equal hobby/social time and equal access to money. This situation has evolved over time, and we both think it's the best option for us at the moment, but we review it regularly to check that's the case. I know every family works differently, but sounds like you need to have a look at how things could work better for you both.

You need to talk to your DH properly and understand what could possibly be the trigger for this change.....cos there WILL be something that's prompted this feeling he has. Otherwise everything is just speculation and could needlessly put the willies up you....he might have just had the mother of all days at work and be venting!

Something doesn't add up here OP, you need to sit down and have a conversation.
He cannot have his cake, and eat it.
Hear him out, maybe he is feeling a bit pushed out, or maybe something else, don't forget, your opinions count.