To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

X-post with you OP, sorry.

You ought to have something from what is family money to spend on new clothes for yourself and just because he gets in at 7pm why isn’t he lifting a finger once home? Isn’t 7pm early enough for him to finish bath times and read stories with the children if he's concerned about the time he's missing out on.

His phrasing is weird, being the primary carer doesn’t make you the primary parent. My first thought was is he looking at what would happen with residency if you split. Perhaps that's too cynical.

Is you going back to work realistic. My DH announced something similar recently but a frank conversation about my caring responsibilities during the day including for a teen with severe anxiety and the need to be 'on call' (which he couldn't and wouldn't want to take over) changed his viewpoint. We don't have a support network, it's just us so him being the main breadwinner while I care for our children and home works for us.

I can't work at night as he does more work at home once the children are asleep, if they need anything or are ill I need to be there.

You should spend money on yourself. It is your money too

I don't get this at all. So both parents should work to ensure one parent doesn't have less time then the other with the kids? So a childminder, aupare, crèche get the time instead?
DH and I both work part time. But even ignoring the days off we have, neither of us feels the pressure to do all the overtime we are asked, or to work late every night because we are relying on that one job. We both know that there are days when it's my/his turn to be responsible for nursery pick up or sick days. Whereas when there is one person at home, IME it is harder to draw that line.

Spot on frasier I was coming on to say exactly the same thing. Take note.

I wonder why you don’t spend any money on yourself? How are the finances managed?
It does sound as if your husband is resentful but hasn’t thought through his helpful suggestion of you getting a job.
if he’s on board with doing more at home then great, but it doesn’t sound like it.

Ok so I would say fine, if that is how you feel I will get a job but as soon as I start working we split housework, childcare and every day admin 50/50. If he’s unwilling to do that, you should be unwilling to get a job your household doesn’t exactly need. As it stands, you are working too for free. If you weren’t around, he would not have money for his expensive hobbies and days out. Instead he would have to pay for childcare and possibly a cleaner. He needs to get a grip.

I was thinking the same as Frasier, it's suspicious that he is using the term primary parent/carer.

Also :

I said to him that is fine that i could get a job three days a week in school hours but he would have to look after the children on those days during the summer. He instantly changed his mind and said that i should wait until September when they are at school full time.

Wouldn't he have to look after them on those days anyway during school holidays?

You need to discuss this openly with him and firstly look at the financial implications of you both working.

Can he easily work less hours in his industry?
Has he had a chat with his employers?
Do you want to get back into work?
Will you be able to go back to work and earn enough to fill in the income your dh will lose?
How much will childcare cancel out your wages?
What work related bills will you have? Travel expenses, clothing etc

Then the practical implications.

Who will take time off for dcs sickness, school holidays, school events etc?
How will you split housework?
Will you also get time out for a hobby?

Agree that you should ask him what's brought this on - and watch his reaction carefully.

I agree with @frasier - this doesn't sound good either way! It seems like at the very least, he simply doesn't like you being "primary" but doesn't in any way appreciate how much you do or how essential it is to what he wants to do (hobby, intensity of his job, weekend agenda). Or worse, he has been told to up his role so he can claim he's an equal carer. Both of these are not good. Hope it works out OK.

I don't get this at all. So both parents should work to ensure one parent doesn't have less time then the other with the kids? So a childminder, aupare, crèche get the time instead?

Eh? Who has said that?

Maybe both parents could work part-time, or work shifts around each other so they both get solo, quality time with the children? It might not be a conventional way of doing things, but I know several couples where both parents work part-time hours - generally making up more than one full-time salary, and reducing the need for childcare.

Not everyone wants a SAH partner and that arrangement can only work if both parties are happy with the situation.

There is no option of DH working part time and nor would he ever consider it. He enjoys his job but I think he seems really hung up on the fact that I'm considered the 'primary' parent - it's like he wants to take it away from me so he's telling me to get a job. He would not be interested in taking on half of the things that I do at home either.

Oh well if that's the case that isn't very fair to you or your kids. I mean I could understand if he actively wants to do something so he's more involved but not that he wants to still not do more to be involved, he just wants you to be less involved with them too? That's really selfish and mean

What Frasiersaid, exactly that.

I don't know where the notion of 'primary parent' has come from; if from you then yes, you need to go and get a job. You say you wouldn't mind doing that so do it.

Your husband isn't happy for you to carry on as you are and you sound a bit disgruntled with him and perhaps a bit too comfortable in the role you've made. He's clocked that - and he wants it to change.

For your own sake OP, get a job and start rebuilding your career. Every woman should do that, never be beholden to a spouse, married or not.

I can't believe the posters still saying 'he needs to do this' and 'he needs to do that' - that's EXACTLY what he IS saying! He wants a fairer spit of parenting.

Well by MN standards, that moved rather slowly to 'he is going to leave you'.

Usually happens with the first half a dozen posts.

Well done for holding back.....

If he resents the fact that you're seen as the 'primary parent', then there is something he can do about that. He can spend his free time actually parenting his DCs rather than indulging himself with his expensive hobbies. He should stay home with the DCs sometimes so that you have a chance to spend money doing things you want to do. No, he's being selfish.

Obviously you could get a job, but you would need to be very careful that you don't end up going to work and still doing everything that you're doing now, because it doesn't sound as if your DH is going to change his ways unless you put your foot down.

Also, although he loves the DC and would do anything for them. He isn't a hands on dad, at the weekends he would never choose to actually play with them, he's got his own agenda.

"would do anything for them" except play with them, cut down his hours to spend time with them, do any of the drudge parenting, be nice to their mother...

Yeah, sounds like a great father.

If he wants to be the joint primary parent, can he explain why he doesn't seem to want to increase the time he spends parenting?

frasier

Option 3 - He's been reading mumsnet and all these threads about fathers and primary carers and has a bee in his bonnet about it

Joanna57 Unfair. The H is speaking solicitor speak.

What does having his own agenda mean? I find it really sad that he'd never choose to spend time with his children. Start spending money on yourself! You work hard, treat yourself, he seems to have no problem spending on himself.

Why do you accept his awful treatment of you and your DC?

Patronising much, Joanna? No woman should carry on in the hope that nothing happens to her marriage when there are clear signs that something is afoot. And there are.

I don't really get the primary carer, secondary carer thing. Surely he can see that you both bring different things to the care of your children? Supporting them financially is caring for them, albeit not hands on.

If you get a job and need childcare then he is not going to be doing anymore 'caring' as you will need to outsource that and any income you receive will probably go on funding this.

I agree that you need to get to the root of what has brought this on then have an open an frank conversation about it.

A good start to this would be for him to spend at least one full weekend day every week with the kids rather than on his "hobbies".

If he won't cut his working hours then he can't be around for the children any more to make it more equal. The only way it's more equal is if you're working more - your children are used to you being around and are with someone he totally trusts and doesn't involved childcare costs. He'll hear a lot more about what's happened with his children during the day than if they go to nursery.

My DH works long hours as well and when he returned he'd take over while I cooked tea. DD would then have time with us while we eat, he might do a jigsaw/looks at books with her if time and he'd put her to bed while I washed up. At weekends I tended to still do most of the cooking, washing up and gardening as I'd had more time to myself in the week, also I did the food shopping as I had the car. This was where DD got to spend time with DD.