To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

I think lots of people are over looking the fact that you have a child with SN. finding suitable childcare is bloody hard.

If you decide to go back to work you will both need to collaborate to make that happen.

It is totally do-able but he needs to recognise that some of the bigger changes might actually need to come from him.

If he’s so keen on becoming closer to your DC why doesn’t he with the time he already has available to him at the weekends?

From what info you’ve given us, like PPs I’m suspicious about what really is his angle. He asks to be more involved, you come up with the three day idea and he instantly dismisses it with no reason why. You also say that you couldn’t see him actually wanting to go part time, so what the fuck does he want? I’ve read a fair few threads on here before where the OPs partner just enjoy making them jump through hoops making demands but then when given a reasonable solution they don’t want to know, they just like to keep the OP on their toes/in their place. Coupled with what you said about you not spending anything on yourself like it’s a good thing is worrying.

initially, it just sounds as if he wants you to get the kids of to school, work 9-5, pick them up from wraparound care, then do all the housework (wifework) all evening, while he plays disney dad at the weekend on "his" time.

But - No man uses the phrase "primary carer".

He's been taking legal advise.
He's planning to divorce.
Watch your back OP.

He thinks that I treat the DC that they are more mine than his and I don't take his opinions into consideration. I've told him that as I am a SAHP it just works out that way, and because I do 90% of things for the children. It's not that i think i'm any better...it's just that it's me that deals with most things.

Also, just to make things clear...even if i could find a magical job that fitted the exact school hours we wanted....i still wouldn't be doing any less for the children. So even if solicitors and legal situations were on his mind, it wouldn't make an ounce of difference, I would still be the primary carer.

So what is his real motive? Why does he want me to get a random job for money we don't need, so i can spend less time concentrating on the children and home?

You'll have to ask him that.

Silver, While I understand it's upsetting, he is entitled to feel that he doesn't spend enough time with his children, and this may be be difficult for him.

He doesn't WANT to spend more time with them. Read the OP's posts properly.

OP, I'm sorry, I can't figure out his motive. I do think his thinking is 'cake and eat it', though; he wants more recognition for being a parent but doesn't want to do the actual work of looking after the children and house.

There is no option of DH working part time and nor would he ever consider it. He enjoys his job but I think he seems really hung up on the fact that I'm considered the 'primary' parent - it's like he wants to take it away from me so he's telling me to get a job. He would not be interested in taking on half of the things that I do at home either

Then why should you be interested in changing the status quo?

Be wary but don't panic. It could be no more sinister than a workmate bending his ear - possibly one who has recently divorced and has a major bee in their bonnet?

OP I do wonder if he is caught upon you getting out of the primary parent role because he is thinking of bowing out of the relationship. How is your relationship aside from this?

So even if solicitors and legal situations were on his mind, it wouldn't make an ounce of difference, I would still be the primary carer.

So what is his real motive? Why does he want me to get a random job for money we don't need

Avoidance of spousal maintenance?

How old are your DC? From the sound of it they are now at school but not full time? I agree you need to have a conversation with him to see why this is suddenly an issue. He may feel that if you do not return to the workplace soon you will struggle to find a job but it depends on what you are trained in as to whether he is right about that.

What is your intention and wish re going back to work? It is unfair for you not to have any personal money so I think for that reason I would be looking to returning to work anyway and forcing him to help out more at home and with the children. It is every couples joint decision as to whether one or other parent should remain at home. I did it when mine were babies then went back part time. My husband had to help out more at weekends so that made him a more hands on dad as he worked long hours during the week.

Are you sure he is not thinking of leaving? The talk of primary parent may be something mentioned by solicitor and if one is a SAHP they tend to get the main custody and lions share of any property in the case of divorce.

Could you work a couple of weekends somewhere to save the need for childcare and allow him to be the primary parent each Saturday and Sunday?

So what is his real motive? Why does he want me to get a random job for money we don't need, so i can spend less time concentrating on the children and home?

Maybe he's jealous of the relationship you have with your kids and maybe he thinks he works harder than you because he has job outside the home? Do you think he appreciates all the work you do do or do you think he thinks you swan around all day?

No, i think he genuinely thinks that i do nothing all day. He thinks those shirts turn up clean and ironed in his wardrobe by magic, he thinks the children are fed and their homework done by magic too.

Ask him what has caused the change of heart and watch his reaction carefully.
It's an odd thing to say, in essence what he is saying is you should be working, however he's not going to be reducing his hours or doing any of the housework type stuff though? He can't have it both ways, if you do work, even part time, he needs to up the amount he does in the home, fairs fair isn't it?

Well in that case I think you should really do nothing all day and let him see the difference.

Or alternatively, tell him to fuck off.

Try him out by telling him you have looked around and you have found a job you might apply for in a cafe/shop at the weekends so he can look after the children and increase his parenting of them so there is more equality. See what his response is. It should be very telling.

Be very suspicious OP. It sounds like he might be considering separation or divorce and trying to get custody.

I;d be quite worried about this. The sudden lack of respect for you. It kinda screams affair.

People who are saying about OP and her DH splitting work hours etc - this type of person will never cut down his hours. He likes his job and wants to work and will keep working until 7pm. OP it's all about control and power and being jealous that you are getting more time with the children and what he sees as an "easier ride", despite the fact that he does not want time with the children. Not ok. Agree with others who said to check what has prompted this, in case it is legal care.

Sorry OP but you do need a "what's going on" conversation and get to the bottom of it. I also came on here to say that primary and secondary carer speak is legal jargon when talking about custody. I am not suggesting anything dodgy is going on at all. It could be as simple as he knows someone who is going through a divorce who is giving your DH a very one sided account of it. Your DH may have been a bit taken aback about this and be thinking of his own situation if you and he were to split. I am not saying he is leaving. He may be scared of losing you if you are way out of his league

This 'primary' parent has all come out of him thinking that I make a lot of decisions regarding the children. He said that he thinks his views aren't taken into consideration.

It may well be 'legal speak' but I feel it has arisen more out of this situation.

"No, i think he genuinely thinks that i do nothing all day."

This is your problem. You've put it yourself in a beautiful succint way.

It's time to change this. Why not suggest that he takes an experimental week off (or half-week, if leave is thin on the ground). You will leave him with a list of the jobs you do each day (and a timetable), and see how he does with it all.

I don't think you're doing yourself, or him, any favours by taking all housework responsibility from him. If you're working til 8.30 at night, he should be by your side helping on the domestic front as soon as he gets in from work.

Perhaps you need to discuss with him what decisions he wants to be involved with, and how practical that is?

e.g.
Choosing schools - yes he should be involved
Deciding what they eat for lunch in the week - your call

Perhaps you need to discuss general policies/guidelines together but he leaves detailed implementation to you?