To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

Also, the costs of childcare need to be considered as coming out of both people's incomes.

Well, yes, but if the potential net earnings are £20k and the costs of working are £25k then the loss to the household is £5k regardless of which parent actually pays the childcare bill etc.

OP it sounds like your DH resents having to work long hours which means not having a lot of time to spend with his DC. Maybe you could work part time so that your DH can cut down on working hours. How old are your children? Is there an after school/breakfast club they could go to so you can work instead of doing the school run?

Also, although he loves the DC and would do anything for them

You haven’t said a single thing that he would do for them. He doesn’t even play with them for Christ’s sake.

smeddum, I just said that I don't think being a Sahm is harder than having a job. Not sure what you are reading into it. I never criticised parent carers who are in many ways excluded from the working world (I have DC with ASD and severe learning diffs and one with HFA - I know what it is like).

Well, yes, but if the potential net earnings are £20k and the costs of working are £25k then the loss to the household is £5k regardless of which parent actually pays the childcare bill etc.

the op is thinking about a part time role only and the DC will start school soon. so the earning would probably far outway the childcare costs.

Of course you have breaks as a Sahm - it is just not the same as working in a highly pressured job. and holiday for working parents is usually 'time off with the DC' (i.e. work in your words) and not a 2 week child free jolly. Some people obviously never worked

@missadasmith actually that’s what you said. So I didn’t need to read anything into it, it’s there in black and white.

OP it sounds like your DH resents having to work long hours which means not having a lot of time to spend with his DC

FFS. Read the OP's posts, then come back and tell us he's desperate to spend more time with them. I'll give you a pointer –search for the phrase 'he would never choose to actually play with them'

Smeddum, I was a Sahm to two children with complex SN and yes, I had breaks (,e.g. after the school runs, when the sat in front of the TV etc. little breaks throughout the day here and there - but maybe I am just lazy ). I don't have anything like that since returning to work. really not sure what your beef is. But for someone never ever having a break, you seem to have plenty of time for MN

There is no option of DH working part time and nor would he ever consider it. He enjoys his job but I think he seems really hung up on the fact that I'm considered the 'primary' parent - it's like he wants to take it away from me so he's telling me to get a job. He would not be interested in taking on half of the things that I do at home either.

Then how does he think things are going to work?
I had to have a few discussions like this with my husband after we moved overseas (I get to do all the admin, but with the added excitement of doing it in a second language, too). He got it.
I also think he's looking to separate or divorce. That terminology is very telling.

I never criticised parent carers who are in many ways excluded from the working world

But for someone never ever having a break, you seem to have plenty of time for MN

So which is it? Either way, I’m not engaging with your pish any more. Just pointing out that you keep contradicting yourself.

Sorry OP, seems your post is derailing. Can only recommend that you sit your DH down and let him know you've thought about what he said and wonder if he had any thoughts on how he was going to redress the shortfall in his parenting and housekeeping whilst you were working part-time. Also, he could start with some weekend activities with the DC while he's on his "training wheels" so to speak.

Sorry for the derail OP, I’ll bow out now.

I stand by my original reply to you, he’s not being fair at all.

OP can I ask how old he is? Could this be some kind of minor mid-life crisis?

Whatever it is, it stems from insecurity. Maybe he feels he has not achieved all he would have liked to have achieved at this point in his career? Maybe he looks at the future and sees nothing else but keeping at what he's doing for x years? Maybe he feels time is slipping by? Maybe he feels unappreciated? Maybe his feels belittled or under pressure at work at this time?

He is taking it out on you probably because he can't take it out on anyone else - he's projecting his insecurities into you so that you too will feel unsettled. Then he's less alone. Maybe he is just attention - seeking?

I would put it to him the indisputable fact that the children come first. He can't disagree with this.

What, in his view, is better for the children? Mum at home and things generally under control? Or a more tired, stressed mum with less energy and headspace?

Tell him in no uncertain terms that if you return to work just for the sake of it, it will be him and the children who suffer. He will have to take on some of the slack. He can't can't have his cake and eat it because life doesn't work like that.

Also, if he wants to be more of a "primary parent" then who is stopping him? Why doesn't he give it a whirl one day at the weekend, in place of his hobby?

Is he aware that being "primary parent" tends to mean your own agenda / hobbies need to take a back seat? Does he really get this because I doubt he has any idea.

Many valuable questions being asked here but OP is yet to answer a single one

Well he can moan and complain however much he wants, you are the primary parent!

And thank goodness, who else does he want to look after the kids?!

If he were struggling with money, if he felt you weren’t a ‘team’ then that’s more of a fair discussion. But it doesn’t sound like that.

Ignore him, frankly. If it’s not about money, but just wanting his status, then that’s a bit rubbish. Looking after a special needs kid is no joke, I do it and I’d be over the moon if my DP swapped roles.

I’d start off with the weekends with him then. Say that you are now enrolled on a Saturday course so that he can feel more like a parent...

the op is thinking about a part time role only and the DC will start school soon. so the earning would probably far outway the childcare costs.

Fingers crossed, yes - though you have to look at full day care during holidays, and having to save leave entitlement eg for chicken pox and the nativity and sports day. It's not uncommon for people to work at a loss during school holidays even if it does net out positive over the entire year.

Many valuable questions being asked here but OP is yet to answer a single one

She has at least one DC at home and has been "missing" for under two hours. Maybe give her a chance?

Do you make decisions he doesn't agree with and not listen to his suggestions? If you are honest with yourself?

You need a proper conversation to understand why he is saying this. Because on the face of it you sound reasonable, but as you say, you don't understand his motivation in wishing things to change, so you need to dig into that.

I agree @MrsHathaway
I think there is something suspect about her DH wanting to be more a ‘primary parent’ but not wanting to:

• work any less
• spend more time with the children

She did say at the start it was about decisions re the kids not going ‘his’ way - that really doesn’t have much to do with who works and the hours.

Perhaps she’s scared by all the people that smell a divorce - quite a shock if you didn’t suspect that.

He's being completely unrealistic so it's time to have a sit-down family meeting and put some facts and figures in front of him. If you're working then you both need to allocate school runs; cooking; shopping; laundry; cleaning; taking time off if the DC are ill, etc, etc.
If his attitude is that he isn't going to do anything more, then you can't go back to work unless he substitutes his support with paid help ie childcare/nanny/cleaner.
If this is all an attempt for him to assert his place as father and head of the household I'd tell him to fuck off . Unless you think he has genuine grounds for complaint because you undermine his parenting and exclude him from the family in subtle ways. In which case, he takes responsibility for particular tasks with the DCs and you leave him to it.
But his comment about starting when they are at school implies this is all just petty, mean-spirited, emotionally abusive nonsense. And I wouldn't be putting his happiness above the emotional well-being of the DCs.

@iwishicouldsmile good luck talking to your dh and getting to the bottom of this. Plus, please do spend some money on yourself. You deserve it.

I agree that she's very likely been upset at the suggestion by a lot of posters that her DH is planning to divorce her, she obviously doesn't want that.

The primary carer could equally be he is worried of you leave he wont see the kids. It doesnt mean he is planning to leave. Or it could be just a term.

I am a little shocked you feel obliged to do all the caring and cleaning as he earns. Plus you must need clothes or a new mascara. Do you really spend NOTHING. Do you not go out Md spend time together as a couple? Otherwise your his cleaner and nanny not his wife. He should do more without you having a job.

Sparklynails7

RTFT before commenting