To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

@frasier they’re quite startling aren’t they? Thankfully DP does recognise being a SAHM as work, in that he couldn’t do what he does if I didn’t do what I do and that we tick along together as a team.

I think you should start giving him lots of opportunities to be more hands on with the children when he gets in from work and at the weekends. You could book some refresher training to get prepared to re start your career, of course you will need money for that. He can also start ironing his shirts straight away, that will give you an extra hour to study / network.What type of career did you have pre-children?

I think you need to be prepared for a couple of possibilities.

1 he's planning to leave you. The way he's worded it suggests to me he's spoken to a lawyer or been on a forum asking advice on this. Depending on how long you've been married as a sahm you may be eligible for spousal maintenance. In addition he may have been told as the "secondary" parent he's likely to get only eow and maybe a day in the week contact arrangement. Also if you're working some men mistakenly think this reduces how much maintenance they have to pay. If he got more contact that can reduce maintenance costs depending on the arrangement.

This does sound like some wise sounding numpty has advised he frame it as you not pulling your weight to goad you into agreeing.

The more of your posts I read op the more I think it's this.

And now I see another poster thinking same.

What does he do at weekends? What are the expensive hobbies? I agree - if he was GENUINELY wanting more quality time with the kids he could pack those in!

"So even if solicitors and legal situations were on his mind, it wouldn't make an ounce of difference, I would still be the primary carer. " but if he's had crappy advice he may not know that

2 his company is looking to make redundancies or is going bust and he's worried about money. Getting unemployment benefits is not easy and depending what he's earning could be a huge problem in terms of mortgage etc

But yes you do need to ask where this has come from, why now?

And perhaps speak to a lawyer yourself - just in case.

List everything you do, everything. For a week, or a couple of days, record on your phone time and tasks undertaken.

What he's suffering from is Grass is Greeneritis, but this comes from a complete lack of understanding of what the Other Side is. Mind you, he's not that ignorant of it, as attested by his desire for you to wait until September.

Perhaps a colleague is going through a divorce and has said something about not getting the kids due to not being primary carer?

It might shake him up a bit if you ask him if he's considering divorce?

Does he have the numbers of their friends and arrange play dates? Does he arrange their out of school activities and bring them/collect them?
Sew on cub badges? Buy their new swimming gear when they’ve outgrown it? Spend their lunch break or commuting time finding their new winter coats online? Etc etc
As a full time working mother who is also the main breadwinner & does most of the wife work (if not the actual childcare) I have little sympathy for these men who opt out of all these things and then wonder why they are not the primary parent.

My dh would also hate if i were 'primary parent' and he were 'secondary parent'.

The difference is that he knows that in order to be equal parents we must do equal parenting. He does a fair share of nursery runs and takes the kids out Saturday mornings without me.

You need to go back to your dh and see which parenting tasks he's going to take on to equalise your balance, once he's freed up some of your time from parenting you can then get a job.

Sorry but the link to that chart of how much a SAHP costs is ridiculous. I don't argue for a second that it's hard work being a SAHP but to say it's worth 9 full time jobs because there are elements of each of those jobs on most days doesn't stack up at all!

I prefer :-

That chart really isn't accurate though, is it.

Of course being a SAHP is hard work, to say it's worth £160k is ridiculous!

From what you have said about your DH I would just tell him I had enough to do without getting a job as well unless he wanted to take on a lot more responsibility at home himself.

Of course being a SAHP is hard work, to say it's worth £160k is ridiculous!

Name any other job that has no breaks, no sick pay, no holidays and no days off and then tell me it’s ridiculous!

Why does everyone assume that no man could possibly understand how difficult it is to look after children and do housework?? I know lots of men who pull their weight at home, and a couple of sahds who do a great job.
OP, you can't expect someone to keep you financially if they don't want to. None of us is entitled to live off someone else forever, even if we do cleaning and childcare. It isn't fair to expect him to work until 7pm to enable you not to work at all. Even if doesn't want to go part-time, maybe if you get a job he will be able to feel less stressed and be able to leave at 5pm and have more time at home. You could both work 9-5 or thereabouts, and still have plenty of family time.
People on here are saying that he would then have to do the childcare during school holidays - that's ridiculous as he'll be at work. Out of both of your incomes you would have to pay for a holiday club or childminder for the holidays. You would also have to split the chores or pay for a cleaner out of both of your wages.

But that's also fairly irrelevant, snash, as the costs of raising children are not just the mothers'. You have to take the fathers' income into account too, and how do you calculate a generic "travel cost"? What about the people who live five minutes from their job, or the ones who work from home, or walk?

Generic statements like that really don't help anyone. The cost of childcare differs massively depending on where you are in the country, too. London costs are massively more than costs in the North, and where are you factoring in housing costs, food, bills etc?

harsh I don’t think that assumption has been made about men, but this DH doesn’t do anything with his kids, per op and spends weekends on hobbies, so I would expect this man doesn’t get it.

Name any other job that has no breaks, no sick pay, no holidays and no days off and then tell me it’s ridiculous!

Of course you get holidays as a SAHP, and days off. What about weekends, and days when your husband has annual leave? Yes, it's hard, but if you're in an equal relationship, you're not in a situation when you never get a minute to yourself. The working partner should be splitting the work in the evenings and at the weekends, and should be taking the children out at weekends/on holidays to allow the SAHP some time alone.

If that's not happening for you, it's not the fact that you're a SAHP which is the problem, it's the attitude of your partner.

Snash, clearly the amount of work involved depends on the age of the children. The OP has been at home for 5 years, so presumably her children aren't tinies. Also, the costs of childcare need to be considered as coming out of both people's incomes.
Don't forget the fact that working mums build up pensions and skills, and their lifetime earnings will be much higher. Someone at home for 10 years will pay a career penalty for this throughout their whole working lives in many cases.

Also, the standard mumsnet line is that a housewife "enables her husband to work", as if there are no families where wives also work... how does this line make sense if the husband doesn't actually feel there is a benefit to the woman being at home and wants a more modern partnership??

Sorry, but having a vadge doesn't provide a "get out of work" card for the rest of someone's life.

in the end of the day, if he is not happy with being the sole earner, then he is entitled to feel this way. Having a disabled child is challenging but work is still often possible, at least part time. I work part time (22h/week) despite having a severely disabled child and no family support. it is bloody hard but it is important for me to be financially independent (to some extend at least) and I would not be happy for DH to have the pressure of being the sole earner. But DH values this and does his bit at home.

how would your DH think school runs work? who does the cleaning, washing, cooking etc. who looks after the DC when one of them is ill. school holiday childcare can often be a problem for children with SN esp for those severely affected. How would you sort that?

or does he think you will take a less important part time role and just espect you to suck it all up?

two working parents is pretty normal and also possible when SN are involved. However, it also takes two parents, to share the work load at home. is he in for it?

If that's not happening for you, it's not the fact that you're a SAHP which is the problem, it's the attitude of your partner.

Read my post upthread, there’s nothing wrong with the attitude of my partner thank you very much. There’s also not much chance for downtime as a SAHP (especially in my case if the children have SN) because there’s always something that needs doing, even with DP pulling his weight and working 80 + hour weeks. So before you wrongly label my DP how about you actually read the thread?

Just ask him, "where has this come from"? you need to understand clearly what is driving this conversation from him. And REALLY drill him-its come out of blue so you really need to get to the crux of what is causing this

I would also specify that if YOU decide to go back to work, then its on the following terms.....then lay out your expectations around childcare, housework, covering kids sick days etc, spending time together as a family etc. He's going to need to do his fair share and sounds like he does very little currently (I liked the posters comment who has 12 and 15 year olds and is SAHP-fully supported and appreciated by her DH-that's how it should be!)

It appears he does not appreciate or does not understand everything you juggle being a SAHP.

The main consideration of course if your children and how you feel this could affect them. With their additional needs, would this be workable? and do you WANT to go back to work?

While I have always worked full time, I think its fantastic if a Mum or Dad has the means to be a SAHP. But equally I advocate men and women having the opportunity to work and have their independence. For me its about choice. It feels a bit like he is trying to push you towards something, for his own reasons from what you have said. that would make me feel uncomfortable and resentful. Hope you get to the bottom of it OP!

Name any other job that has no breaks, no sick pay, no holidays and no days off and then tell me it’s ridiculous!

not this old chestnut again. If you think being a working parent is easy, give it a try. Of course you have breaks as a Sahm - it is just not the same as working in a highly pressured job. and holiday for working parents is usually 'time off with the DC' (i.e. work in your words) and not a 2 week child free jolly. Some people obviously never worked

Sorry, but having a vadge doesn't provide a "get out of work" card for the rest of someone's life

Charming in the same vein, having a penis doesn’t entitle you to throw your weight around, not be a parent or equal partner and treat your partner like a skivvy. HTH.

Read my post upthread, there’s nothing wrong with the attitude of my partner thank you very much. There’s also not much chance for downtime as a SAHP (especially in my case if the children have SN) because there’s always something that needs doing, even with DP pulling his weight and working 80 + hour weeks. So before you wrongly label my DP how about you actually read the thread?

Then surely neither of you get down-time and holidays, so why make it sound like you have it worse than he does? If he works 80+ hours and pulls his weight when he's home, then when does he get his break?

@missadasmith oh fuck off. I didn’t say anything about SAHP having it harder than working parents so away and take that chip on your shoulder to someone else.

My post was in response to people who do devalue SAHPs and don’t see that they’re doing anything productive or contributing to the family.

@adaline i didn’t say I had it worse than he does! Fucking hell why are people so determined to twist what I’m saying?

No, we don’t get down time. No we don’t get breaks. But it’s what we signed up for, and we do it together. As a team, kind of why I posted to tell OP that she isn’t being treated fairly.

@missadasmith presumably you made those choices? In that case get off the cross, we need the wood.
Find me childcare that will take 3 autistic children full time (insurance prevents it apparently for childminders), meet their needs and allow me to work and I will happily go back to work,until then wind your fucking neck in and stop being so obnoxious.