To be upset that DH feels this way?

[iwishicouldsmile]

Last night DH said that he was tired of being seen as a 'secondary' parent, that I wasn't the 'primary' parent and that he thought i should get a job.

DH works until 7pm and naturally things fall on me to be the primary carer for our children, one of whom has special needs. For the past 5 years i 'work' from 6:30am until 8:30pm at night, looking after the children, and taking care of everything in the house and all admin, etc. Basically, i keep the household running and DH doesn't lift a finger during the week, which works for us because I appreciate that he is at work all day.

His comments out of the blue have really upset me for a number of reasons:

1. I have no problem with finding a job - I worked for 18 months when the children were babies and used to do all i do now plus when they were in bed i used to work from 9pm-12am every night.

1. We do not 'need' the money. So why would i take time away from the children who are still young (and have special needs) and need me so much? Is it so I'm no longer classed as the primary parent?

1. Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

To conclude, I do everything around the house, 90% of childcare and things for the children, I don't spend anything. So why has DH suddenly turned on me and made me feel like a piece of dirt for living the way that we do? :(

Then he'd better resign himself to being the "secondary parent" til the kids are teens. During your "frank discussion" you'd better point that out to him. He doesn't get to tell you to get a job until he's ready to pick up the slack in terms of at least arranging childcare, taking turns at pick ups/drop offs.

My dh was the opposite - happy for me to stay at home even after youngest started school. I wanted to work and he was a bit horrified that suddenly he had to take on more responsibility for childcare (he's always been good at household stuff). Now he works from home on a Friday (despite saying hed "never" get permission) and deals with afterschool pick ups, homework and evening activities on this day. He also does some childcare in school holidays. Has definitely made him a more hands-on parent and strengthened his relationship w the kids.

Also, although he loves the DC and would do anything for them. He isn't a hands on dad, at the weekends he would never choose to actually play with them, he's got his own agenda.

Well, he wouldn't 'do anything' for them, then, would he, if he doesn't even play with them?!

Where's he getting the phrase 'primary parent' from? Of course you're the primary carer if he's out of the house for 11 hours every day.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Tell him that even when the dc are in school, if you are working he will have to step up and do his share of household tasks.

I was just going to suggest what pig suggested.
Time for him alone with the kids and a long list of jobs. And not just for one day because anybody can wing it for a day.
Are the children old enough for you to leave them , I might have missed that (as in, not breast feeding)
Have a nice spa break as MN loves so much. Or, what I'd prefer, a trip to the city, lunch on my own/ with friends, browse the shops, cinema, night in a hotel, maybe hair and nails done the next day. Another film, browse the book shops.
Make sure when you get home you ask why your dinner is not on the table, why the kids aren't washed and cleanly dressed and why the house is such a sh*t tip

I don’t understand why, if he wants to do equal you have to go back to a family friendly McJob and not a career that could take you somewhere.

I don’t understand why you don’t spend money on yourself either.

If he really wants no primary parent, that means he does 50% of everything you are currently doing, not that you squeeze in some part time family friendly min wage job around everything else.

I too would be worried that he’s seen a lawyer - you do need to talk to him but go back to work to something you want, not something that lets you do even more!

Money wise - I do not spend ANYTHING on myself. I do not buy new clothes, no treats, nothing. This isn't an exaggeration, I only have treats on my birthday and Christmas. Meanwhile DH has an expensive hobby and will think nothing of spending £50 on meals, drinks out with friends (which again, is fine as he works hard, but it's just to compare).

No that is not fine. You are a family and a household, with him currently earning the money, but you doing at least as much hard work as he does. You should already have equal amounts of spare time and spending money, as fairly as that can be worked out. During the time he is at home, any work left to be done should be shared equally (so that's childcare, cooking, laundry, admin etc).

If he doesn't understand that you are working hard now, harder than him in fact, and getting less money for it, then you need to make him see that.

In your shoes I definitely would get a job, and give him a list of EVERYTHING that needs to be done at home, share it out fairly between you, and watch him beg for mercy.

But if you don't want a job and want to be a SAHM, I'd arrange for him to take a week off work and do everything you do for a week. You take his role - do some temp work during his hours, then have leisure time and spend money. Then ask him if he'd like to be the "primary" parent.

(Of course, that's if he's not having an affair and just being ridiculous. I can see where PPs are coming from re possible affair too. If that's what's going on, if you separate, he'll end up with more parenting time than he does now, and you'll end up with more money.)

I don’t know. A week off work in spring is easy, entertaining bored children in the 3rd week of the Christmas holidays when it’s raining solidly otoh...

You could use the time seeing recruiters, updating linked in and figuring out what you want from a career though.

Lots of men have no idea how much work goes into looking after the home and kids. My oh once asked me why I bothered cleaning the bathroom as it was always clean anyway...er, yeah, that's precisely because I clean it!

Make a list of everything you do.

Housework
Laundry
Cooking
Shopping
Appointments
Etc

Tell him you expect him to take on an equal share of these chores. Also tell him you expect him to take an equal role in sourcing appropriate childcare and paying for it.

Bet that would give him a shock!

Sorry OP, when I made my post I hadn't read any of your subsequent comments and that does paint the situation in an entirely different light.

It's clear his concern has nothing to do with spending more time with the children :(

I have to say he doesn't sound like a very nice husband :( You as a household have disposable income yet you spend nothing and he spends freely. You care full time for your (and his) young children with SN yet he criticises you for not having a job.

Are you happy with your situation and relationship apart from the stuff you've talked about here?

My Dh begs me not to get a job because I am the SAHM and I do everything. During the week he walks through the door, I have prepared dinner, we all sit down as a family to eat and then we spend time as a family after dinner. Our children are 15 and 12.

He knows I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, dusting, hoovering, shopping, house admin, school stuff, homework etc all the tiny things like sewing name labels into clothes, shoe shopping with the children in school holidays, research all the stuff we buy big and small.

My life is good and he cherishes me. His life is good too. He is a full on hands on Dad. He knows all about the children's lives because he is part of it. On weekends he used to get up with the children when they were little, feed them breakfast, we'd take them to the park etc. I have gone away for weekends on my own to see friends. He regularly has the children by himself, makes an effort to spend 1 on 1 time with them.

Dh cooks on a weekend as he likes cooking and taking care of us. He is over the top grateful for the daily grind stuff that he doesn't have to do because I do it.

Your Dh clearly doesn't realise how boring and monotonous a job housework and childcare is. It is brain numbing. Maybe he should take a turn at it.

I love these men who say get a job but nothing must affect my life whilst you do it.

A week off work in spring is easy, entertaining bored children in the 3rd week of the Christmas holidays when it’s raining solidly otoh...

Totally agree, even a week won't come close to giving him the responsibility OP has, but if he has to complete all the SAHM/"wifework" tasks she does as well he'l get some idea.

Ages ago I saw a spreadsheet/accounts for a SAHP and the cost to replace those tasks was horrendous. Anyone else see it? I think it was in the papers. I can't find it now.

Basically it showed you how much you needed to earn to break even if you needed to replace childcare/cleaning/laundry/etc tasks and took into account commuting costs etc.

Might be a useful tool for the OP.

He wants a more equal partnership I really don’t see the problem? He might not know HOW to manage housework etc right now, like a lot of women don’t have a clue how to go about getting back to work. Surely just give him the chance instead of slaying him online before he’s even had the chance

Meant to say, the article that showed the above ^^ said that over HALF of partners of SAHPs complain at one time or another about the "easy job" the carer has!

I can't find it now.

My oh once asked me why I bothered cleaning the bathroom as it was always clean anyway

Oh god that takes me back to the endless housework arguments with my ex! (I do also have a paid job and he should have been doing half.) Once we agreed he'd take on the job of cleaning the bathroom and toilet. He wondered why this ever needed doing, as surely it kept itself clean. But when it was his job, it strangely became dirty after a week or two and I reminded him to do it.

He then explained to me that the dirt in the toilet was actually a permanent stain and couldn't be removed, as he'd tried.

Yes, the dirt that hadn't been there (because I'd been cleaning it) for the previous year since we moved in.

Why not talk about a 3 day/week job rather than working in school hours, then you can talk about who is doing the school pick up, swimming lesson run, gymnastics club and spellings practice etc.
And at least start with which are his preferred days next week to take time off while you go to interviews.

Does he not do much in the evenings because you charge in and start doing it? I used to do that, when DH came home off I'd go and continue doing everything, but a simple, 'which one of us will do the showers?' or 'are you going in for teeth brushing or will I?' Will change it. Men don't always think of these things! And sit down and talk it out! And while I don't get the terminology, it's rather stiff, I get the primary thing-the kids will automatically gravitate towards you for stuff, or talk about things you did together (without Daddy) during the day. DH told me once there were times he barely felt part of the family as we'd have gotten ice creams during the day or gone to the park before he got home etc.

jobs where you can go in as part time are very often the lower paid ones and leaves the distinct chance that DH expects her to do it all and work.

Go see recruiters in the field you want to work in op if you did return and leave all these options where you still do everything and work to one side.

Go back to something with prospects you want to do.

If you feel this is about him not agreeing with your decisions, he wouldn’t get to make unilateral decisions even if you both work ft - what does he mean by that?

Oh and as for the weekend thing, organise to do things at the weekend that it's a given he's going to, example family walks

'over HALF of partners of SAHPs complain at one time or another about the "easy job" the carer has!'

The 'carers' need to start getting out more and leaving the kids with the oh more often! The odd FULL day away every few months re-energises everyone and also re-inforces that you do actually do a great job! ;)

You don’t need to go to work to enable your H to do more for your children. Tell him he can be responsible for your children from the time they get up until he leaves for work and again from the time he gets home until the children’s bedtime. He can also be primary career all weekend, starting from when he gets home on Friday, until he leaves for work Monday, so no more weekends fishing or battle re-enactment or whatever his hobby is.

If he and the children are happy with this arrangement for 3 months, then you can start looking for a job. Once you start looking for a job he will have to start work asking on his share of the housework.

Just watch his plans change when he realises he is responsible for cooking three nights a week (and the washing up) he can do all the laundry if you clean the bathroom, he can clean the kids rooms when you are cleaning your bedroom and that includes changing bedding.

So even if solicitors and legal situations were on his mind, it wouldn't make an ounce of difference, I would still be the primary carer.

So what is his real motive? Why does he want me to get a random job for money we don't need?

Avoidance of spousal maintenance?

That was my first thought, too. He's not happy, life doesn't look like what he wanted, so he's looking to bail but doesn't want to pay spousal maintenance. So he needs you working.

Families with special needs children are at a higher risk of breakdown; more men leave such families (sadly).

I'd have a serious chat with him, OP. Funny that he doesn't want to actually cut back on his own work hours so he could do his half of the pick ups, drop offs, sick days, childcare cost coverage, shopping and house and child work, but still wants you working and to keep doing all that. Tell him you're going to look into full time jobs like his, so he will absolutely, 100% have to do his full share of all the child and home care, sick days and holiday coverage included. Why should his career potential be more important than yours, especially since you may well need that career by the sound if it.

I'd be worried.

Do you have disagreements about the children that you get the final say in the resolution of as the 'Primary carer'?
I think sometimes men are happy enough to leave all the decisions re babies to the women,but as the kids get older ,go to school etc they want more say?(particularly re boys)

Essentially he is clearly unhappy with how things are and you and he need to talk until you reach agreement.

These things can't be set in stone,what works for babies doesn't work so well for children at school or looking ahead when they leave home

While I could never be a SAHM,I have no issues with people who are,but it only works if both parties are happy with it

I do think all women (and men) should be able to support themselves if required

how much would a SAHP earn if they were paid

Excuse the awful headline, and sneery undertones. It’s the ££££ I was sharing. And it’s a fucking eye opener!

Thanks Smeddum, I think they were the stats I saw attached to another article.