BIL being absolute dick

[Pugwash1]

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

Right I’ll bite. PTSD isn’t being “fucked up”, it’s being severely mentally unwell as a result of trauma. So your flippant comment was fucking awful. My BIL has combat related PTSD and he’s not fucked up, he’s traumatised in ways you couldn’t possibly imagine.

Really well then so will I. I’ve had PTSD and have the right to call it what I like. Fucked up is exactly what I felt.

Of course misogyny isn’t exclusive to armed forces. But even today it’s mostly male and it’s a very macho culture. It’s a culture that some boys go into at 16 - and the army becomes their family. A family that is primarily men. That has consequences as to how they relate to woman.

I had an 8 year relationship with a serving officer before I met my DH. I saw at first hand not only the consequences of battle trauma, but also issues with women - treating women badly, a rate of da that studies indicate is higher than civilian population.

It is quite well known that there is a relatively high proportion of ex service personnel in the criminal justice system and the most common conviction is for domestic abuse.

Stick your ‘education’ where you like. I’m not attacking your ‘nearest and dearest’ so there’s no need to be so ridiculously defensive I very explicitly said ‘some’.

I’ve had PTSD and have the right to call it what I like. Fucked up is exactly what I felt

So have I it’s not top trumps you have the right to define how YOU felt, absolutely. What you have no right to do is refer to people who have combat related PTSD as “fucked up”.

It is quite well known that there is a relatively high proportion of ex service personnel in the criminal justice system and the most common conviction is for domestic abuse

I know that there is a disproportionate amount of ex military in the prison system. I don’t know what the most common offence they’re in for is, and you’ll forgive me if I don’t take your word for it.

You’re still bang out of line.

There are a disproportionate number of ex service personnel in the prison system and it is mainly serious violence and sexual offences.
www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/mar/18/uk-armed-forces-veterans-prison-population-mental-health-issues

I suspect that’s in large part to do with the woeful lack of support from either the Armed Forces or civvy MH support.

In actual fact I have the ‘right’ to say what I like. You can disagree and that’s fine.

I wasn’t simply referring to PTSD in my original comment.

It’s quite typical of career soldiers who go into the army at 16 to be escaping family problems or incipient trouble with the law. The early emotional problems are often never really addressed or healed which then causes problems later on.

One particular study showed that violent offending amongst ex service personnel was strongly linked to history of violent behaviour before joining the army.

Equally fighting is all about aggression. Controlled aggression, toughness, hardness is trained into soldiers. That can cause problems too.

If a combination of issues spills over into crime and domestic abuse - ‘fucked up’ is a legitimate description.

tatiana I had an 8 year relationship with a serving officer I'll raise you my 33 years with dh, 29 of which were with him as a serving officer, until he retired. This 'misogynist' paid for me to do my BA, was happy for me to go part time when I had ds, and again, supported me financially when I went back and did my PGCE. He has never raised a hand to me.

I note you make the normal mistake of equating the military with the Army. Please don't. The Army is but one of three Armed Services, and they are most definitely not the same.

I don’t know what the most common offence they’re in for is, and you’ll forgive me if I don’t take your word for it

I don’t mind either way. That was taken from a NAPO study 2009.

There are many many studies about general offending. A 2013 study found that of 2700 men serving under 30 - 20.6% had been convicted of violent offences including domestic abuse, compared to 6.7% of the general population. Personnel with multiple experiences of combat had a 70-80% greater risk of being convicted of violence.

@Pugwash1 was BIL drunk when he was totally dismissive of your carefully chosen gift for him? Or was that before he'd been drinking?

Has he since thanked you for it?

Because I'd be wondering if his dismissive behaviour showed his hidden contempt for you.

In actual fact I have the ‘right’ to say what I like

In relation to your own experiences. You do not, however many times you insist you do, have the right to label people you’ve never met, have no experience of, and have no idea what trauma brought them to their illness “fucked up”.

Fair enough, I’ve read your studies and statements. So when do you plan to write to your MP to demand the Armed Forces better support personnel in return from tours? Or start a petition to demand that the government stops funding cuts which are buckling the Armed Forces? You don’t, do you. Because it’s easier to sit in judgement.

The thread is being derailed. Can't you just agree to disagree, and stop taking personal offence at someone's remarks that were not about you or your loved ones.

So you failed to clock the ‘can be’ in my original post scaryteacher

NAMALT NAMALT NAMALT

My ex wasn’t misogynist either but I saw it in guys around him.

I’m not making any mistake of conflating military and army - I intentially specified the army latterly.

@Motoko fair point.

Sorry for the derail OP.

Xpost - good point Motoko.

I’m not judging anyone Smeddon. Ironically I wrote a letter to the paper at the start of the second Iraq war asking the government to guarantee better support for personnel than after the first Iraq war. Was published but I never did hear back...

@TatianaLarina to be fair I took it personally because of BIL and I shouldn't have. 15 years he’s been like this, and the army, the civvy psychs, the charities, none of them can help. Some because they don’t want to and others because they’re unable to.

All boils down to not enough support, so looks like we agree on something

No worries, I’m sorry if you were offended.

@TatianaLarina I’m sorry I got angry.

Maybe you guys could start a new thread rather than put all this on pugwatches ?

OP regardless of his condition and the reasons it’s behaviour that’s shows a veiled hatred and contempt . Which you do not deserve

Time to draw a line and whilst you decide how to handle it don’t see him and protect yourself

It’s a horrible way to treat someone who has always been kind to you and he must learn you won’t tolerate it

@timeisnotaline it’s done now and we’ve both apologised to OP.

It's all cool. Despite the differences of opinion it does show that mental health issues amongst the armed forces are finally being recognised. That can only be a good thing. My sincerest hope that those who have posted on this thread who have been and still are being affected with PTSD, however it was caused, get the help they deserve. It is a silent killer.

@Pugwash1 it really is. It makes me very sad that there isn’t more support widely available.

When I post I try not to mention DH job as no matter what I'm posting about it gets switched to he's cheating on you : has another family somewhere. If OP thought it was relevant she would have said.

tatiana I did notice your 'can be' and have pmd you a response to keep it off this thread.

Just don’t expect me to read it.