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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL being absolute dick

207 replies

Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 07:50

Brief background, I have been very happily married to awesome DH for 18 years. DH has a brother 5 years younger and they are incredibly close. It's always been a long standing joke that if you take up with one you get the other for free. BIL is a totally different personality to my DH and that's fine. He likes to drink, likes the ladies, is loud and boisterous, the complete opposite to DH. I have loved him like a little brother from the start and he has always been welcome. He has his own key, comes away with us on weekends occasionally, invited to all my family events. He is family. And a complete dick at times.
Last year after caring for my awesome dad for 6 months who eventually passed away, 5 of us went away for a long weekend. This had been booked months before, a lot of money had been spent and I decided that actually the change of scenery would do me good for a few days.
One afternoon he was on another boat with some people he had met and I wandered over to take him fresh supplies of beer and tell him dinner would be in about 30 minutes and he just looked at me like a piece of shite and said "f@ck off you stupid c@nt". We are all in the military and I am not offended generally by swearing but it was done with such vehemence and nastiness. DH took him to task for it as did his girlfriend as I was too shocked to do so.
Cue weekend just gone and its his birthday. I have gone to massive effort over his gift which he was totally dismissive of and then that night in front of everyone at the meal he launches another verbal attack on me in front of everyone. DH was at the bar so didn't hear it, but it brought the table to a standstill. AIBU to be so upset about this. 2 occasions in 18 years isn't so bad in the great scheme of things I guess, but it's like I told DH. I'm not entirely sure if when absolutely wasted his true feelings towards me are coming out and it just seems to be pure hatred.
DH has spoken to him again and he was apologetic but to DH, not me. Honest to God I we can think of nothing I have done to cause this. I have said 3rd strike and he's out. Not wanting to drip feed I was in a very violent relationship many years ago and he ended up inside for 24 months as a result, and the I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive to BIL's behaviour because it brings aspects of that past relationship back to me. So am I being too sensitive or is he being a dick, and any suggestions?!

OP posts:
Lemond1fficult · 25/04/2018 08:34

I have an uncle like this - totally lovely 99% most of the time, total abusive dickhead when drunk. Once Facebook started and her could write and abuse people whenever he'd had a drink, he alienated all of my aunties and some of my cousins. Haven't seen him for years now, which is a shame, but he could have taken control by not getting in states.

Bowlofbabelfish · 25/04/2018 08:35

He’s a grown adult. He may be influenced by his past as we all are but if he’s responsible enough to be in the military he’s responsible enough not to treat you like this.

Tell him you dont get spoken to like that, get the key back and get a bit of distance for a while. If he apologise and moderates the behaviour you can move forward positively. If he doesn’t, I’m afraid he’s just a twat.

eddielizzard · 25/04/2018 08:36

i think next time you / your dh have to kick him out immediately. whatever the reason for it / bad childhood / treating you this way is totally unacceptable and really your dh has to make that clear.

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 25/04/2018 08:38

This might be a touch left field but do you think he perhaps has a bit of a thing about you?

picklemepopcorn · 25/04/2018 08:39

Talk to him when he is sober. Tell him that it is completely unacceptable, and that he needs to stay dry around you, if that is what happens when he has been drinking.

I can't decide if that conversation should happen when you DH is there or not. Maybe he should be nearby listening, just in case BIL starts having a go.

From that point on, there are no more excuses. If it happens again, then he needs to be excluded from your company.

JamPasty · 25/04/2018 08:39

Decent people, no matter how drunk, are not abusive. Alcohol just brings out what they are really like underneath. And no amount of mollycodling makes decent people behave this way.

bonnyshide · 25/04/2018 08:40

If someone called me a cunt I would not be:

Letting them have a key to my home
Buying my them birthday presents
Going on holiday with them

You need to pull right back from him, he is not a nice man. It is in NO WAY normal to accept this treatment.

Appuskidu · 25/04/2018 08:42

Has he explained why he spoke to you (and only you) like this? Twice.

What did he say to you at the dinner that that your DH didn’t hear?

I’d stop forgiving things like this by saying he’s family, as an excuse, tbh. He’s your husbands family, not yours. If you split up-would you see him again?!

Shizzlestix · 25/04/2018 08:43

You've treated him like a favoured pet/younger brother/child for years. He's responding like a petulant child. No more. He hasn't apologised, so no more nice birthday presents, ever, no more key to your house, he doesn't pay the fucking mortgage! He needs to explain himself and your dh needs to extract a promise of never again or I'd go nc. He does not deserve you.

Dulra · 25/04/2018 08:44

The way he spoke to you is horrendous and it is not even the words but the obvious hate behind them that is scary. You say this is the 2nd time in 18years that he has done this and you have never heard him speak to anyone else like this? I would be really wondering why the change what has happened. Yes it could be his true feelings coming out but surely they would have shown before now? I agree with others that twice is enough and no waiting for 3rd strike but I also think it is worth finding out why the sudden hate? I am not excusing it but I would want to know why.

Original poster
Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 08:45

After the first instance he was too drunk to speak with by the time he came back to the boat and then promptly passed out. The weekend was finished and we were heading home and there were other people with us I didn't want to make a scene and ruin the weekend. I had just lost my dad so was already feeling fragile. These are the reasons why I didn't personally speak in the first instance and the most recent was because I didn't wish to create a scene on his birthday in front of his friends, although tbh I think he managed to make himself look like a tit quite nicely. I do think that you are right though and I need to speak with him to discuss it.

OP posts:
Roussette · 25/04/2018 08:46

I imagine he is jealous of your relationship with his brother. Personally, I would be speaking to him myself and not doing it through my husband... it won't get done right because it's his brother and he makes allowances

youngnomore · 25/04/2018 08:47

If my bil spoke to me in this way. That would be It with that relationship. Tbh. I would be pretty pissed at dh for not telling his brother to speak with you and explain himself. How bloody disrespectful. Especially how incredibly trusting and welcoming you’ve been towards him.

catattack123 · 25/04/2018 08:49

That's not okay at all op. Complete disrespect and it's not okay for him to continue to act this way towards you.

JamPasty · 25/04/2018 08:53

By the way, if anything I think you are not being sensitive enough. What he is doing is in no way normal or acceptable.

Original poster
Pugwash1 · 25/04/2018 08:53

I have to walk the hound so will be back in a bit. If anyone has any suggestions from their experience or thoughts on why this is happening I would be grateful to hear them. I think I can now rest assured that I am not BU to be upset by the so thank you for the support everyone.

OP posts:
jay55 · 25/04/2018 08:54

You had just lost your dad and were feeling fragile and he kicked you while you were down, hard. Unacceptable at the best of times but unforgivable in the circumstances.

You’re making a lot of excuses for him, when he doesn’t deserve them.

KERALA1 · 25/04/2018 08:56

Utterly inexcusable in a grown adult unless he has a brain tumour or something. Think your dh should be supporting you more

Juells · 25/04/2018 08:58

As others have said, don't wait for a third strike, just go NC now.

@Thenewwiderworldthird

My sis in law (doctor) said that if people suddenly do something very out of character like that she would always look into a tumour first

I'm very passive aggressive, so I'd kick him in the goolies as I left by starting a huge panic with his brother, all faux concern, that he must have a brain tumour.

Change the locks and tell him to fuck off if he ever contacts you again. He's relying on the fact that you don't want to interfere with your DH's relationship with him.

Saltcrust · 25/04/2018 08:59

Its strange that on both occasions he he has done this, it's been in public, in front of other people ..is he trying to make himself look "big" in a horribly insulting and crass way?

Speaking as someone who had very challenging in-laws (in a completely different way) your DH needs to be very clear with his db that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. However close the two brothers are, your dh's first loyalty should be to his wife. I'm surprised he didn't insist that his db apologise to you over the last incident. I appreciate he wasn't there at the time of the last incident, but it is your DH who should be worrying and dealing with the fall-out, not you. Flowers

GeekyWombat · 25/04/2018 09:00

If he's been fine for the first 17 and a half years and this is a new development I definitely think it's time for a chat. I think you're being really kind - three strikes and he's out is definitely a plan, especially if you can have the chat with him about how unacceptable his behaviour is rather than having your DH water it down or minimise it somehow.

letsdolunch321 · 25/04/2018 09:00

How has he kept a girlfriend with that attitude !!!

You are a better person than me wanting to discuss with him. I would want nothing more to do with him the vile bullying pig

WizardOfToss · 25/04/2018 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegarbanzo · 25/04/2018 09:06

Key back, stop doing things for him. His ever-so-close-DB can run around after him and put together thoughtful presents if he wants to.

He needs to apologise to you.

Sounds like he views you as a substitute mother, an authority figure, whose orders he can follow or resent.

Also, men who 'like the ladies' generally don't like women very much. They view women as sexual objects, not as people.

Bowlofbabelfish · 25/04/2018 09:09

I dont think you need to look for reasons - the ‘why’ isn’t your responsibility to sort out. Doing that puts the responsibility back on you (at the extreme end it’s how abusers work, you made me do it etc.) because you are looking for excuses for him, or will end up moderating your own behaviour to avoid him doing it.

He needs to be told clearly that what he did was unacceptable and that there will be consequences if he continues to act like this.

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